11/23 Chapter 19

Thank you @ImJustTesting for pointing out my mistakes in previous chapters! ❤

And oh my goodness, this chapter is… 

¹Tatay - Nanay is Mom while Tatay is Dad. ²Kokoro - j.a.panese for Heart. #AchillesHeels

“Bottled toxic feelings, when exposed, can lead vulnerability to own downfall.”

-x-

Breathing became a ch.o.r.e for Jhing—dragging the air in and out of her lungs, trying to get everything inside, especially the outside,  intact—and keep going like she did the past years. She can't escape from him any longer. Jhing must face her fear, her anger, her disgust which were the reason she kept everything bottled inside.

In writing stories, it’s a must that a writer creates conflict for the character to choose between two important things. They must have a hard time choosing what to do where even the readers will go insane because choosing either one will have consequences.

Conflicts will make a character dynamic, relatable and… human.

Jhing was a writer, alright. And she hated the fact that she couldn’t write her own life because she didn’t want to write the day she needed to choose between; to save herself from her Tatay¹ or save her Tatay from her.

She wanted to be selfish, but she couldn’t stand hearing her Nanay’s pleads, apologies, and cries anymore; like what her Nanay did when she gave her savings for his hospital bill.

“Thanks, Jhing,” her mother cried on the phone.

She can also hear her Tatay's screaming "I don't need any help!"

His sound decreased in volume. It seems like her Mother walked a distance to not let Jhing hear his words. "Thank you, Jhing, really. I'll pay it back in the future."

The call ended with Jhing’s silence.

There was no time for crying. She can't explain what she was feeling right now—everything was too much. Jhing needed to force herself to get up from the bed and work to get all the money she lost. The feeling was f.u.c.king h.e.l.l when she withdraws all her money from the bank—she gave everything away for someone who won’t care for her.

d.a.m.n. f.u.c.k. s.h.i.+t s.h.i.+t. s.h.i.+t. s.h.i.+t.

Her Mom was so worried about her Father that she didn't go home even though she already has a high blood pressure. Her brother texted Jhing two weeks after her birthday. Their parents fought the moment they got home so yeah…

Jhing wanted to curse, and she was going to h.e.l.l for thinking: f.u.c.k! We should've let him rot! but she ended up feeling nothing… She tried to feel nothing while all the emotions tried to escape from her. Anger. Fear. Disgust. Hatred.

But she didn't have time to be emotional.

Jhing dragged herself to the office and forced herself to smile when Miko sat next to her in the pantry. Looking at him as he chats with everyone happily made her envy him.

I hope I could smile like him.

“Are you okay?” Miko asked in the middle of lunch. “You're in a daze again. I'm already next to you and you still miss me?"

Jhing tried to smile. “I was thinking of ways to kill you."

It was Miko’s smile that forced Jhing to not think too much. “Wow, your words are so moving sometimes… just sometimes."

Jhing started OT'ing with or without pay. Working gave her the reason to not think too much and just go with the flow of reading the ma.n.u.scripts even though some of them are boring. She's in Manila but her mind kept flying away as it worries about her family who's in the province.

When she asked how her Nanay was, the latter only texted: we're ok here. you? dont forget 2 eat and sleep. take care ok. i'll pay the money you lost asap.

But her brother said otherwise: i can hear nanay cry every night in the washroom. tatay hasn't been home either.

Her Mother is good at hiding her pain and it was p.i.s.sing Jhing off but she can't complain when she was the same as her. Ah, like Mother like daughter.

“How can I be optimistic like you?" Jhing asked while staring at the ma.n.u.script she was editing.

On the cubicle next to hers was Miko who also stayed overnight. He was using his laptop while wearing earphones on. He's listening to Screamo so he couldn't hear Jhing's words.

“How do you do it? Cope with a smile?”

Jhing turned to Miko. He was busy drawing ill.u.s.trations. She stared at his lips smiling and singing the lyrics of the song silently and at his relaxed posture that made Jhing thought: How do you do it?

Probably because she was staring too long, Miko noticed her. Without looking away from his laptop, the man gave a knowing smile as he said with a loud voice: "IS THIS THE MOMENT WHERE YOU WILL CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE FOR ME THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STARING? YOU'RE MELTING ME."

d.a.m.n! His voice is making her ears bleed!

Jhing pulled Miko's earphone off. She can clearly hear the loud music coming from the buds. "I realized that I wanted to melt you with my stare so you can disappear from this world," she said and rolled her eyes before shutting her computer down. "I'm going home."

Miko's smile widened. "Are you telling me this as a hint for me to walk you home?"

“Hah,” Jhing breathed. “It's a hint where one more word of your nonsense and I will push you off the building.”

Miko also turned his laptop off and put it in his backpack. They both walked towards the fire exit.

“Is that a hint that you will catch me when I fall?"

“Try it,” she said before stopping in her tracks. “Jump off.”

“Weh?” Miko raised a brow.

“How will we not know if we don't try?” she asked.

“You're really a s.a.d.i.s.t.”

Jhing was tired of talking, but talking to Miko was the only thing that made her sane the past few days. It was the only thing that can stop her unwanted thoughts from coming. She was clinging to him—something she didn't want to do in the past, Jhing ended up doing it today/

She didn’t want to drag him to her own h.e.l.l… but she didn’t want to burn again.

“What are the most hateful words that have been said to you an Artist?"Jhing asked out of the blue while having dinner at a mall.

Miko didn't want to go home yet while Jhing also didn't want to be alone so they went out.

Miko smirked. “Drawing for free.”

Jhing grimaced. “For free?”

“Yeah. They treat me like a drawing factory as if I don't need money to live," Miko said while eating his spaghetti. “It's annoying. They think that being an artist is easy. They think that drawing and thinking of an original concept are easy—and they want me to do it for free. They even want to rush me! Sometimes I want to tell them: Why don't you draw it yourself if you think it's this easy."

Jhing smiled at Miko’s outburst. The way he stabbed the hotdog of his pasta looked as if he wanted to stab someone with a knife. “This is the first time I heard you rant. I thought I'm the only one that has problems in life."

His laugh made Jhing’s heart lighter. “Everyone has problems in life," Miko said. “I also want to complain about people who walk really slowly especially when I'm late for work. I almost got into a fight before because someone suddenly stopped walking while screaming Whaaat!? Over the phone." I b.u.mped into her then, it was so annoying.”

“You get into fights too ah?”

“If only I can punch her in the face,” Miko said as he shook his head. “But she was a woman ah. My fists need to be respectful."

Jhing likewise shook her head and rolled her eyes. They both started chatting about random topics and s.h.i.+tty things until the happy night ended. And just like every night, she ended up alone in her apartment—lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling with thoughts that were far from the silence she wanted to have.

Thankfully, the book team got busy. Her work was keeping her alive. They organized a signing event in February. By March, their list of 2016 books increased, and April got hectic for editing ma.n.u.scripts. May was the month where another book got adopted to a movie so Jhing further got distracted away from her problems. She was fed up asking her Nanay how she was because she kept spouting lies anyway.

She was tired of too much I’m okay lies so she stopped asking.

“My kokoro² is hurting!”

It was obvious that Fall was in a bad mood and she was trying to lighten up her mood by fooling around. They sat inside a coffee shop waiting for Jhing’s departure. She wanted to go back home to the province. She already worked hard for the money she lost anyway.

“Just let it be,” Jhing said.

It was nice for Fall to see her off in the terminal. Her home is nearby anyway so even though it's early morning, she still went for Jhing. Though the latter felt bad for her, she still jumped on Fall’s kindness so she won't get bored while waiting.

“I can’t! I just can’t!” Fall said dramatically. “They keep on judging me, us! It's mainstream so it's cheesy? Mainstream, that's why it's a s.h.i.+tty story? We can't win awards because we're a trash?" she said, ranting. “They seem to think that we will never improve. I’m trying to get out of that stupid mainstream idea, okay?”

“You’re trying your best,” Jhing said as she tries to lift Fall’s spirit. “Right?”

“Yes ah.” Fall sighed. “I just want to go back 10 years ago when I first started. They all told me that I was underrated—better than those mainstreams. Oh~ If only we can be as happy as before when there weren't any judgemental haters."

Jhing bit her lip. Indeed, if only they can go back to the past… "But we won't be able to learn our lesson," she said. “You won't be able to experience the things you have experienced until now. Maybe there’s one thing that you can do.”

“What?” Fall sipped her coffee.

“Don’t be scared,” Jhing said those words not only for Fall but also for herself. "Don’t let it get to you.”

When Jhing's ride came, Fall texted someone before bidding their goodbyes. Jhing also saw Fall riding a jeepney home. She texted Fall, thanks for coming and got a reply of Treat me in the future! Hahaha!