Humours of Irish Life Part 55

arguin' an' perswadin', and houldin' back wan, an' pus.h.i.+n' out the other, the hall was redd without blows, an', bit by bit, they all went home quiet enough.

But the Cramery Society was clane split. It wasn't wee Billy so much; for whin people begin to think about it the next mornin', there was more laughed at him than was angry; but the party feelin' was up as bitther as could be.

The Nationalists was mad at themselves for givin' in to go to a meetin'

in the Orange Hall, for fear it might be taken that they were weakenin'

about Home Rule; an' the Orange party were just as afeard at the papers makin' out that they were weakenin' about the Union. Besides, the ould King William in the corner av the Hall had done no good.

I'm no party man, myself; but whin I see William Robinson, that has been me neighbour this twinty years, goin' down the road on the Twelfth av July wi' a couple av Orange sashes on, me heart doesn't warm to him as it does av another day. The plain truth is, we were bate at the Boyne right enough; but some av us had more than a notion we didn't get fair play at the fightin'; an' between that and hearin' about the batin' iver since, the look of ould Billy on his white horse isn't very soothin'.

Anyway, the two parties couldn't be got to join again. The red-hot wans av both av thim had meetin's, wee Billy leadin' wan side, and Tammas McGorrian the other, an' the nixt thing was that there was to be two Crameries.

The moderate men seen that both parties were makin' fools av themselves, for the place wasn't big enough for two; but moderate men are scarce in our parts, an' they could do nothin' to soothe matthers down. Whin the party work is on, it's little either side thinks av the good av thimselves or the counthry either.

It's "niver mind a dig yourself if ye get a slap at the other fellow."

So notices was sent out for a meetin' to wind up the Society, an' there was a powerful musther av both sides, for fear either of them might get an advantage over the other wan.

To keep clear av trouble it was to be held in the Market house.

The night av the meetin' come; an' when I got into the room who should I see on the platform but Major Donaldson an' Father Connolly. An' thin I begin to wondher what was on.

For the Major was too aisy-goin' and kindly to mix himself up wi'

party-work, an' Father Connolly was well known to be terrible down on it, too.

So a sort av a mutther begin to run through the meetin' that there was goin' to be an attempt to patch up the split.

Some was glad and not afraid to say it; but the most looked sour an'

said nothin'; an' wee Billy and Tammas McGorrian kept movin' in an' out among their friends an' swearin' them to stand firm.

When the room was well filled, an' iverybody settled down, the Major gets on his feet.

"Ladies an' gentlemen," sez he--the Major was always polite if it was only a travellin' tinker he was spakin' to--"Ladies an' gentlemen, you know why we've met here to-night--to wind up the Ballygullion Cramery Society. I wish windin' up meant that it would go on all the better; but, unfortunately, windin' up a Society isn't like windin' up a clock."

"Now, I'm not going to detain you; but before we proceed, I'd like you to listen to Father Connolly here for a minute or two. I may tell you he's goin' to express my opinion as well as his own. I needn't ask you to give him an' attentive hearin'; ye all know, as well as I do, that what he says is worth listenin' to." An' down the Major sits.

Thin Father Connolly comes forward an' looks roun' a minit or so before spakin'. Most av his own people that catched his eye looked down mighty quick, for they all had an idea he wouldn't think much av what had been goin' on.

But wee Billy braces himself up an' looks very fierce, as much as to say "there'll no praste ordher me about," and Tammas looks down at his feet wi' his teeth set, much as if he meant the same.

"Men an' wimmin av Ballygullion," sez Father Connolly--he was aye a plain-spoken wee man--"we're met here to end up the United Cramery Society, and after that we're goin' to start two societies, I hear.

"The sinsible men av Ballygullion sees that it would be altogether absurd an' ridiculous for Catholics an' Protestants, Home Rulers an'

Unionists, to work together in anything at all. As they say, the two parties is altogether opposed in everything that's important.

"The wan keep St. Patrick's Day for a holiday, and the other the Twelfth av July; the colours of the one is green, an' the colours of the other orange; the wan wants to send their Mimbers av Parliament to College Green, and the other to Westminster; an' there are a lot more differences just as important as these.

"It's thrue," goes on the Father, "that some ignorant persons says that, after all, the two parties live in the same counthry, undher the same sky, wi' the same sun s.h.i.+nin' on them an' the same rain wettin' thim; an' that what's good for that counthry is good for both parties, an'

what's bad for it is bad for both; that they live side by side as neighbours, an' buy and sell among wan another, an' that n.o.body has iver seen that there was twinty-one s.h.i.+llin's in a Catholic pound, an'

nineteen in a Protestant pound, or the other way about; an' that, although they go about it in different ways, they wors.h.i.+p the same G.o.d, the G.o.d that made both av thim; but I needn't tell ye that these are only a few silly bodies, an' don't riprisint the opinion av the counthry."

A good many people in the hall was lookin' foolish enough be this time, an' iverybody was waitin' to hear the Father tell them to make it up, an' most av them willin' enough to do it. The major was leanin' back, looking well satisfied.

"Now," sez Father Connolly, "after what I've said, I needn't tell ye that I'm av the opinion av the sinsible men, and I think that by all manes we should have a Catholic cramery and a Protestant wan."

The Major sits up wi' a start, an' wan looks at the other all over the room.

"The only thing that bothers me," sez the Father, goin' on an' takin' no notice, "is the difficulty av doin' it. It's aisy enough to sort out the Catholic farmers from the Protestant; but what about the cattle?" sez he.

"If a man rears up a calf till it becomes a cow, there's no doubt that cow must be Nationalist or Orange. She couldn't help it, livin' in this country. Now, what are you going to do when a Nationalist buys an Orange cow? Tammas McGorrian bought a cow from wee Billy there last month that Billy bred an' reared himself. Do ye mane to tell me that's a Nationalist cow? I tell ye what it is, boys," sez the Father, wi' his eyes twinklin', "wan can av that cow's milk in a Nationalist cramery would turn the b.u.t.ther as yellow as the shutters av the Orange Hall."

By this time there was a smudge av a laugh on iverybody's face, an' even Tammas an' wee Billy couldn't help crackin' a smile.

"Now," sez Father Connolly, "afther all, it's aisy enough in the case of Tammas's cow. There's no denyin' she's an Orange cow, an' either Tammas may go to the Orange cramery or give the cow back to Billy."

Tammas sits up a bit at that.

"But, thin, there's a lot of mighty curious cases. There's my own wee Kerry. Iverybody knows I bred her myself; but, thin, there's no denyin'

that her father--if that's the right way to spake av a bull--belonged to Major Donaldson here, an' was called 'Prince of Orange.' Now, be the law, a child follows its father in these matters, an' I'm bound be it to send the wee Kerry's milk to the Orange cramery, although I'll maintain she's as good a Nationalist as ever stepped; didn't she thramp down ivery Orange lily in Billy Black's garden only last Monday?

"So, boys, whin you think the matter out, ye'll see it's no aisy matther this separatin' av Orange an' Green in the cramery. For, if ye do it right--and I'm for no half-measures--ye'll have to get the pedigree av ivery bull, cow, and calf in the counthry, an' then ye'll be little further on, for there's a lot av bastes come in every year from Americay that's little better than haythin'.

"But, if ye take my advice, those av ye that isn't sure av your cows'll just go on quietly together in the manetime, an' let thim that has got a rale thrue-blue baste av either persuasion just keep her milk to themselves, and skim it in the ould-fas.h.i.+oned way wi' a spoon."

There was a good dale av sn.i.g.g.e.rin' whin the Father was spakin'; but ye should have heard the roar of a laugh there was whin he sat down. An'

just as it was dyin' away, the Major rises, wipin' his eyes--

"Boys," sez he, "if it's the will av the prisint company that the Ballygullion Cramery Society go on, will ye rise an' give three cheers for Father Pether Connolly?"

Ivery man, woman, an' child--Protestant and Catholic--was on their feet in a minit; an' if the Ballygullion Market-house roof didn't rise that night, it's safe till etarnity.

From that night on there was niver another word av windin' up or splittin' either. An' if ever ye come across a print av b.u.t.ther wi' a wreath of shamrocks an' orange-lilies on it, ye'll know it come from the Ballygullion Cramery Society, Limited.