Takeoff. Part 34

III.

"Father," said Benedict Breadfruit's son, Benedict II, "look at that robot over there! How can a machine in such horribly battered condition move about?"

Benedict Breadfruit looked sorrowfully at his offspring. "Haven't you ever seen junk amble, Junior?"

IV.

"But what will they do with the robot when it becomes too decrepit to move?" persisted the boy.

Breadfruit pointed to a large vat of bubbling acid in the public square: "They'll throw him in the pool, yonder, son."

V.

On the Planet Tenta I, plants of the melon and related families were so rare that the king himself had issued a royal fiat to protect them. Not knowing this, Benedict Breadfruit's young son started to pick a pumpkin. Fortunately, his father stopped him in time.

"But why can't I pick a pumpkin, father?" asked the child.

"It would be a violation of the Gourd Edict, son."

VI.

"On the planet Toupher VI," said Benedict Breadfruit in his address to the members of the Inst.i.tute for Twenty-First Century Studies, a group specializing in ancient history, "the natives keep time by means of cords which have knots tied along their length at precisely measured intervals. Since the material from which these cords are made is remarkably even in its rate of burning, it is possible to tell the exact hour by noticing how many knots have burned after one end has been lit."

"What is this remarkable contraption called?" asked one of the members.

"Why, naturally,"said Benedict Breadfruit in his best British accent, "it would be a knot clock."

VII.

The Black Beast of Betelgeuse, although horrible in aspect, was really a very pleasant fellow when you got to know him, as Benedict Breadfruit did. But because of his alienness he was forbidden to go to Earth by a Galactic s.p.a.ce Lines regulation forbidding tickets to be sold to "horrible monsters."

"It's an unfair law," said the Black Beast. "You're a man of some importance, Benedict; couldn't you do something about it?"

Breadfruit nodded. "I believe I can get the wretch anulled, Bete Noir."

VIII.

The peculiar religio-s.e.xual practices of the inhabitants of Hoogaht VIII are known throughout the Galaxy. One day a group of Hoogahtu called upon Benedict Breadfruit.

"We are," said their spokesman, "planning to build an old-fas.h.i.+oned Earth-type house for our group. The living quarters for the males and females will be on the first and second floors. The Temple of Love, as we call it, will occupy the top floor, just under the roof. Knowing your abilities with language, we would like for you to give us a name for our Temple."

"Orgiastic top floor, eh?" asked Breadfruit.

"That's right?"

"A hot-pants attic, as it were?" said Breadfruit.

"If you insist, yes," said the spokesman.

"A libidinous area just under the roof, one might say."

"That's what we said," agreed the Hoogahtu.

"In other words, a lewd loft?" persisted Breadfruit.

"Most emphatically," said the Hoogahtu spokesman.

Benedict Breadfruit shook his head, baffled for the first time in his life. "Gee, fellas, I just can't think of a d.a.m.n thing."

COPYRIGHT DATA.

Backstage Lensman, Copyright 1978 by Conde-Nast Publications, Inc.

The Best Policy, Copyright 1957 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

The Cosmic Beat, Copyright 1962 by Ziff-Davis Publications, Inc., under the t.i.tle The Hepcats of Venus.

Despoilers of the Golden Empire, Copyright 1959 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

The Horror Out of Time, Copyright 1978 by Mercury Press, Inc.

Look Out! Duck!, Copyright 1957 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

On the Martian Problem, Copyright 1978 by Davis Publications, Inc.

Masters of the Metropolis, Copyright 1957 by Mercury Press, Inc.

No Connections, Copyright 1958 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

Mustang, Copyright 1961 by Mercury Press, Inc.

Alfred Bester's "The Demolished Man," Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

L. Sprague de Camp's "Lest Darkness Fall," Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

A. E. Van Vogt's "Slan," Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

Isaac Asimov's "The Caves of Steel," Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

John w. Campbell, Jr's "Who Goes There," Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.

Zap!, Copyright 1963 by Mercury Press, Inc.

Hot Argument, Copyright 1960 by Mercury Press, Inc.

Blaze of Glory, Copyright 1955 by Mercury Press, Inc.

Through Time and s.p.a.ce with Benedict Breadfruit, Parts I through VIII, Copyright 1962 by Ziff-Davis Publications, Inc.

Poul Anderson's "Three Hearts and Three Lions," Copyright 1978 by Randall Garrett.

Prehistoric Note, Copyright 1978 by Randall Garrett.

About the Author:

Randall Garrett sold his first science fiction story to John Campbell in 1942. He was fourteen years old at the time, and in the Marines. Since that auspicious beginning he has published many books and stories, though even aficionados will probably not recognize some of the pseudonyms he has used: Darrell T. Langart (an anagram) for Anything You Can Do; Robert Randall for The Dawning Light and The Shrouded Planet (with Robert Silverberg); Mark Phillips for The Impossible, Super Mind and Brain Twister. He also wrote under the names of Blake MacKenzie and Seaton McKettrig. His best-known work, however, is under his own name: Too Many Magicians, part of the Lord Darcy series. Most recently, he collaborated with his wife, Vicki Ann Heydron, on the Gandalara cycle, published by Bantam Books. Another collection of humorous stories, Takeoff, Too!, will be published by The Donning Company in 1986.