The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 108

Ans.--Nothing that i kno ov, except fas.h.i.+on, and musketoze.

Qu.--Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last?

Ans.--I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word.

Qu.--Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?

Ans.--The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.

Qu.--Iz it proper under enny circ.u.mstances tew use the word _d.a.m.n_ as a tonick?

Ans.--It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn't worth a dam.

Qu.--What iz one ov the princ.i.p.al dutys we owe to our country?

Ans.--The customs.

Qu.--Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see?

Ans.--I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.

Qu.--Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?

Ans.--The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun.

Qu.--If yu waz _blest!_ with a boy, which ov the lernt profes.h.i.+ons would yu dedikate him to?

Ans.--The shumakers.

Qu.--Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?

Ans.--Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.

Qu.--Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man's life?

Ans.--Immediately after he haz did a square thing.

Qu.--Is whiskee a tonick?

Ans.--No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits.

Qu.--Iz revenge a viktory?

Ans.--Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker.

Qu.--Don't you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients?

Ans.--I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented.

Qu.--What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?

Ans.--When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder.

Qu.--If i couldn't hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?

Ans.--Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.

Qu.--Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian?

Ans.--Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don't think the Lord ever takes the length of a man's face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.

Qu.--What iz the best cure for love?

Ans.--Tew liv on it.

Qu.--What iz the best cure for pride?

Ans.--A fall on the ice before folks.

Qu.--What iz a sik old bachelor like?

Ans.--A coc.o.o.n.

Qu.--What iz an excuse?

Ans.--The finesse ov reason.

Qu.--What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?

Ans.--At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in.

Qu.--Where do the vain go tew when they die?

Ans.--A barber's shop.

LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.

Theze three places are wet spots.

I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about this.

Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun.

I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mineral water aint mi fort.