The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 89

If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn't alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-sh.e.l.l baptist.

Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide open.

THE POSATIFF MAN.

The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn't win.

He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don't happen he knew that too.

If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn't help but happen.

He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks at.

Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor ennything old, he iz more certain ov things than Webster's unabridged d.i.c.ks.h.i.+onary.

The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz.

He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last tew be a good hit.

The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very malishus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest.

THE CROSS MAN.

The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, followed by flies.

He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl.

He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan't tell, tew save hiz life.

Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him.

He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble.

Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyer tew kure.

He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so.

THE PASHUNT MAN.

The pashunt man never sez "_dam it_," however much he may think so.

He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales.

He kan't tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be nothing but numbness after all.

Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun.

It ain't but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time.

Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew.

The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man's pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both.

THE FUNNY MAN.

The funny man kan't open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out.

Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don't stoop so low.

The funny man's jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor.

It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness.

Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion.

THE HONEST MAN.

Honest men are ska.r.s.e, and are a going tew be ska.r.s.er.

Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable.

If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the demand.

Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it.

Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount.

You couldn't put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn't be found.

Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn't hunt for hen's eggs on sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs.

PECULIAR ONES.

THE SQUARE MAN.

The square man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him.

He is free from knots and sap, and won't warp.

He iz klear stuff, and I don't kare what yu work him up into, he won't swell, and he won't shrink.