Wild Oats Part 7

_Jane._ Perhaps the gentleman might wish to send her ladys.h.i.+p a compliment. An't please you, sir, if it's even a kiss between us two, it shall go safe; for, though you should give it me, brother Sim then can take it to my lady.

_Rover._ "I kiss'd thee e'er I kill'd thee."

_Jane._ Kill me!

_Rover._ "No way but this, killing myself to die upon a kiss!"

[_Advancing._]

_Sim._ Go! [_To Jane--puts her out._]

_Rover._ "Ay; to a nunnery go to." I'm cursedly out of spirits; but hang sorrow, I may as well divert myself.--"'Tis meat and drink for me to see a clown."--"Shepherd, was't ever at Court?"

_Sim._ Not I.

_Rover._ "Then thou art d.a.m.n'd."

_Sim._ Eh!

_Rover._ Ay, "thou art d.a.m.n'd like an ill roasted egg--all on one side."--Little Hospitality. [_Looking out._

_Enter_ FARMER GAMMON.

_F. Gam._ Eh, where's the showman, that wants to hire my barn? So, Madam Jane, I place her out to sarvice, and instead of attending her mistress, she gets gallopping all about the village.--How's this, son?

_Rover._ "Your son? Young Clodpate, take him to your wheat stack, and there teach him manners."

_F. Gam._ Ah, thou'rt the fellow that would bolt out of the dirty roads into people's houses. Ho, ho, ho! Sim's schooling is mightily thrown away if he hasn't more manners than thou.

_Sim._ Why, feyther, it is! Gadzooks, he be one of the play! Acted Tom Fool, in King Larry, at Lymington, t'other night--I thought I know'd the face, thof he had a straw cap, and a blanket about'n--Ho, ho! how comical that was when you said--

_Rover._ "Pillic.o.c.k sat upon Pillic.o.c.k hill, pil--i--loo, loo!"

_Sim._ That's it! He's at it! [_Claps._] Laugh, feyther.

_F. Gam._ Hold your tongue, boy! I believe he's no better than he should be. The moment I saw him, says I to myself, _you are a rogue_.

_Rover._ There you spoke truth for once in your life.

_F. Gam._ I'm glad to hear you confess it. But her ladys.h.i.+p shall have the vagrants whipp'd out of the country.

_Rover._ Vagrant! "Thou wretch! despite o'erwhelm thee!" "Only squint, and, by Heaven, I'll beat thy blown body till it rebounds like a tennis ball."

_Sim._ Beat my feyther! No, no. Thou must first beat me. [_Puts himself in a posture of defence._]

_Rover._ [_Aside, with great feeling._] "Though love cool, friends.h.i.+p fall off, brothers divide, subjects rebel, oh! never let the sacred bond be crack'd 'twixt son and father!"--I never knew a father's protection, never had a father to protect. [_Puts his handkerchief to his eyes._]

_Sim._ Ecod! he's not acting now!

_Enter_ LANDLORD, _with a book, pen, and ink_.

_F. Gam._ Landlord, is this Mr. Lamp here?

_Land._ I've just opened a bottle for him and t'other in the parlour.

_Rover._ "Go, father, with thy son; give him a livery more guarded than his fellows."

_Sim._ Livery! Why, I be no sarvant man, though sister Jane is. Gi's thy hand. [_To Rover._] I don't know how 'tis; but I think I could lose my life for him; but mustn't let feyther be lickt though--No, no! [_Going, turns and looks at Rover._] Ecod, I ne'er shall forget Pillic.o.c.k! [_Exeunt_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ SIM.

_Rover._ Thou art an honest reptile, I'll make my entree on the London boards in Bayes, yes, I shall have no comparison against me. "Egad, it's very hard that a gentleman and an author can't come to teach them, but he must break his nose, and--and--all that--but--so the players are gone to dinner."

_Land._ No such people frequent the Sun, I a.s.sure you.

_Rover._ "Sun, moon, and stars!"--Now mind the eclipse, Mr. Johnson.

_Land._ I heard nothing of it, sir.

_Rover._ "There's the sun between the earth and moon--there's the moon between the earth and the sun, tol, lol, lol! dance the hay! Luna means to show her tail."

_Enter_ WAITER.

_Waiter._ Two gentlemen in the parlour would speak with you.

_Rover._ "I attend them, were they twenty times our mother."

_Waiter._ Your mother, sir! why it is two gentlemen.

_Rover._ Say I attend them with all respect and duty. [_Exit Waiter._

_Land._ Sir, you go in the stage; as we book the pa.s.sengers, what name?

_Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder." [_Exit._

_Land._ [_Writing._] Mr. Thunder.

_Enter_ JOHN DORY.

_John._ I want two places in the stage coach, because I and another gentleman are going a voyage.

_Land._ Just two vacant; what name?

_John._ Avast! I go aloft. But let's see who'll be my master's messmates in the cabin: [_Reads._] Captain Muccolah, Counsellor Fazacherly, Miss Gosling, Mr. Thunder. What's this? speak, man! is there one of that name going?

_Land._ Booked him this minute.

_John._ If our voyage should now be at an end before we begin it?--If this Mr. Thunder should be my master's son!--What rate is this vessel?

_Land._ Rate!