The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 104

_Seven._--Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to see if he knows how tew kick.

_Eight._--Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, windgalls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a whirl-bone; look for sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks.

_Nine._--Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron.

_Ten._--Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glanders; look just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny.

_Eleven._--Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pa.s.s him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things.

_Twelve._--Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don't be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler.

_Thirteen._--Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter.

Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a _good family hoss_, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him.

Good hosses are ska.r.s.e, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov hosses, are ska.r.s.er.

Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a _good family hoss_ ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him.

"_An honest man iz the n.o.blest work ov G.o.d_," this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying _a good family hoss_.

GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.

AT PORDUNK.

_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._

JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.

Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash.

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.

The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.

The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.

FUST DAY.

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.

Thare waz thirteen entries.

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-cla.s.s females, and one white foot behind.

SEKOND DAY.

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.

THIRD DAY.

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.

FOURTH DAY.

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.

Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns.

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.

FIFTH DAY.

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.

One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.