The Jest Book Part 12

SAYS his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise, I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."

"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good; For I never can _raise it_ myself."

CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.

JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the country, a lady who was pa.s.sing turned round and said, audibly, "What an ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied, "Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks _about us_ at this moment!"

CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.

MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving, could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.

Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself unhappy, D'Egville; _perhaps it is in the other leg_."

CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.

IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman immediately rose, and wis.h.i.+ng to clear her own s.e.x from the aspersion, said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."--"So much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the clergyman; "it will be the _sooner over_."

CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.

THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at "the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'"

CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.

"DO you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident, some train oil."--"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had _swallowed a dancing-master_!"

CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.

JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he who wrote these can write more":--

"With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face, With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair, And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"

Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion of the portrait, immediately sent the money.

CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.

JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I know between France and England is--_the sea_," said Jerrold.

CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.

ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a _crick in his neck_."

CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.

A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick paris.h.i.+oners, asked him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."--"What is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because _my nose_ was betwixt them."

CCXXIV.--BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.

WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness, began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your evidence."--"_Be cool, Mr. Counsellor_," said Billy, "_only be cool, you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that_."

CCXXV.--THE RULING Pa.s.sION AFTER DEATH.

A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared for anything but women and horsefles.h.!.+" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death, some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were the _dearest objects_ of your affections."

CCXXVI.--CUT AND COME AGAIN.

A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's _whipcord_ it is!"

CCXXVII.--CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLa.s.s.

A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a gla.s.s. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I never break a gla.s.s."--"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply, "you ought whenever _you look in one_."

CCXXVIII.--UNION IS STRENGTH.

A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, paris.h.i.+oner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie,"

said the minister, "that's my place."--"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie; "they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this place, and it will _take us baith_ to manage them."

CCXXIX.--FRENCH PRECIPITATION.

THE late Mr. Petion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely _two-and-thirty minutes_ in the Old Bailey.

CCx.x.x.--MAKING IT UP.

AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough provided, upon one occasion when _company_ were expected, he asked if she had _brothed_ the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well then," said he, "broth 'em _again_."

CCx.x.xI.--OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.

BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew that about this time of day _you would tell that story_."

CCx.x.xII.--HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.

"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a t.i.tan at a thunderbolt!"