The Jest Book Part 54

CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, "_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere."

CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.

CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "_I'll be hanged, then, if I do_."

CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A s.h.i.+LLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a s.h.i.+lling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury _one-and-twenty of them_."

CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how many years it would take "_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!"

CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is _represented_. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country."

CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

IF by their names we things should call, It surely would be _properer_, To term a singing piece a bawl, A dancing piece a _hopperer_!

CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.

CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against _the next_." The joke settled the quarrel.

CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, "It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can _hiss_ and _gape_ at the same time."

CMLXII.--TROPHIES.

A FRENCH n.o.bleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_."

CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."

WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life?

Remember, yours is a _brief_ existence."

CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.

A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."

CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.

WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of.

No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.

CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.

A GREAT pretender to gentility Came to a herald for his pedigree: The herald, knowing what he was, begun To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done, Told him he was a gentleman of note, And that he had a very glorious coat.

"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."

"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees, One couchant; and, to give it further scope, A ladder pa.s.sant, and a pendent rope.

And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves, There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."

CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.

A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with great naivete: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an _emetic_! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would _not stay_ on my stomach either time."

CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.

IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPEt.i.tION.

POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no compet.i.tor!"

CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.

A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now _owe more_ than a thousand pounds!"