The Queen's Fool Part 24

"And if anything changes between the princess and the queen, if you should chance to meet with our friend John Dee, I should be glad to know of everything."

I smiled at his touch on my hand, at his words that told me that he was alive and yearning for life again.

"I shall write to you," I promised him. "I shall tell you everything that I can. I cannot be disloyal to the queen-"

"Nor now to Elizabeth either?" he suggested with a smile.

"She is a wonderful young woman," I said. "You could not be in her service and not admire her."

He laughed. "Child, you want to love and be loved so much that you are always on all sides at once."

I shook my head. "n.o.body could blame me. The queen's servants all love her, and Elizabeth... She is Elizabeth."

"I've known her all her life," he said. "I taught her to jump with her first pony. She was then a most impressive child, and when she grew older, a little queen in the making."

"Princess," I reminded him.

"Princess," he corrected himself. "Give her my best of wishes, my love and my loyalty. Tell her that if I could have dined with her I would have done."

I nodded.

"She is her father's daughter," he said fondly. "By G.o.d, I pity Henry Bedingfield. Once she has recovered from her fright she will lead him a merry dance. He's not the man to command Elizabeth, not even with the whole council to support him. She will outwit and outman him and he will be driven to distraction."

"Husband?" Amy rose from her seat at the table.

"My lady?" He let go my hand and stepped back toward her.

"I would be alone with you," she said simply.

I had a sudden rush of absolute hatred toward her and with it came a momentary vision so dark that I stepped back and hissed, like a cat will suddenly spit at a strange dog.

"What is it?" Lord Robert asked me.

"Nothing," I said. I shook my head to dispel the picture. It was nothing: nothing I could see clearly, nothing I could tell. It was Amy thrown down, pushed clear away from Robert Dudley, and I knew it was my vision clouded by jealousy and a woman's spite that gave me a picture of her flung away, pushed into a darkness as black as death. "Nothing," I said again.

He looked at me quizzically but he did not challenge me. "You had better go," he said quietly. "Do not forget me, Hannah."

I nodded, and went to the door. The guard swung it open for me, I bowed to Lady Dudley and she gave me a brief dismissive nod. She was too anxious to be alone with her husband to care for being polite to someone who was little more than a servant.

"Good day to you, your ladys.h.i.+p," I said, just to force her to speak to me.

I could not make her acknowledge me. She had turned her back to me; as far as she was concerned, I had gone.

Elizabeth's gloom and fear did not lift until the litter came to the gateway of the Tower and she went out under the dark portcullis into the city of London. Once we were through the city I, and a handful of ladies, rode behind, and the further we went west the more the march turned into a triumphal procession. At the small villages when they heard the rattle of the horses' bits and the clatter of the hooves, they came running out and skipped and danced along the road, the children crying to be lifted up to see the Protestant princess. At the little town of Windsor, in the very shadow of the queen's castle, at Eton and then Wycombe, the people poured out of their houses to smile and wave at her, and Elizabeth, who could never resist an audience, had her pillows plumped up so that she could sit up to see and be seen.

They brought her gifts of food and wines and soon we were all laden with cakes and sweetmeats and posies of the roadside flowers. They cut boughs of hawthorn and may and cast them down on the road before her litter. They thrust little nosegays of primroses and daisies toward her. Sir Henry, riding up and down the little train, desperately tried to stop people crowding forward, tried to prevent the calls of love and loyalty, but it was like riding against a rising river. The people adored her, and when he sent soldiers ahead into the village to ban them from coming to their doorways, they leaned out of their windows instead, and called out her name. And Elizabeth, her copper hair brushed down over her shoulders, her pale face flushed, turned to left and right and waved her long-fingered hand and looked - as only Elizabeth could - at one and the same time like a martyr being taken to execution and like a princess rejoicing in the love of her people.

The next day, and the next, word of the princess's progress spread ahead of us, and they were ringing the bells of the parish church in the villages as we pa.s.sed through. There was many a priest whose bells pealed out for the Protestant princess who wondered what his bishop would make of it, but there were too many bell ringers to be resisted, and all that Sir Henry could do was order his soldiers to ride closer to the litter and ensure that at least no one attempted a rescue.

All this flattery was meat and drink to Elizabeth. Already her swollen fingers and ankles were returning to their normal size, her face blushed rosy, her eyes came alive, and her wit sharpened. At night she dined and slept in houses where she was welcomed as the heir to the throne, and she laughed and let them entertain her royally. In the day she woke early and was happy enough to travel. The suns.h.i.+ne was like wine to her and her skin soon glowed in the light. She had her hair brushed with hundreds of strokes every morning so that it flowed and crackled around her shoulders, and she wore her hat rakishly to one side with a Tudor green ribbon. Every man at arms had a smile from her, everyone who wished her well had a wave in reply. Elizabeth going through an England ablaze with early summer flowers, even on her way to prison, was in her element.

Woodstock turned out to be a crumbling old palace which had been neglected for years. They had fitted up the gatehouse for Elizabeth in a bodged job that still left draughts howling through the windows and underneath the broken floorboards. It was better than the Tower but she was still undoubtedly a prisoner. At first she was allowed access to only the four rooms of the gatehouse; but then, Elizabeth-like, she extended her parole until she could walk in the gardens, and then into the great orchard.

At first she had to request every piece of paper and pen, one at a time, but as time wore on and she made more and more demands of the hara.s.sed Sir Henry she obtained more and more liberties. She insisted on writing to the queen, she demanded the right to appeal to the queen's council. As the weather warmed, she demanded the right to walk out beyond the grounds.

She became increasingly confident that she would not be a.s.sa.s.sinated by Sir Henry, and instead of fearing him she became utterly contemptuous of him. He, poor man, just as my lord had predicted, was worn gray and thin by the peremptory demands of the queen's most disgraced prisoner, the heir to the throne of England.

Then, one day in early summer, a messenger came from London, with a bundle of business for Elizabeth and a letter for me. It was addressed to "Hannah Green, with Lady Elizabeth at the Tower of London," and it was not a hand that I recognized.

Dear Hannah,

This is to tell you that your father is safely arrived in Calais. We have rented a house and a shop and he is buying and selling books and papers. My mother is keeping house for him and my sisters are working, one at a milliner's, one for a glover and one as a housekeeper. I am working for a surgeon, which is hard work but he is a skilled man and I am learning much from him.

I am sorry that you did not come with us, and I am sorry that I spoke to you in such a way that did not convince you. You find me abrupt and perhaps demanding. You must remember that I have been the head of my family for some time now and I am accustomed to my sisters and my mother doing as they are bid. You have been the indulged daughter of two parents and are used to having your own way. Your later life gave you dangerous experiences of the world and now you are quite without a master. I understand that you will not do as I command, I understand that you do not see why I should command. It is unmaidenly; but it is the truth of you.

Let me try to be clear with you. I cannot become a cat's-paw. I cannot do as you desire and set you up as the master of our home. I have to be man and master at my own bed and board and I cannot imagine any other way, and I believe that I should not imagine any other way. G.o.d has given me the rule of your s.e.x. It is up to me to apply that rule with compa.s.sion and kindness and to protect you from your mistakes and from mine own. But I am ordained to be your master. I cannot hand over the mastery of our family; it is my duty and responsibility, it cannot be yours.

Let me try to make you an offer. I will be a good husband to you. You can ask my sisters - I do not have an ill-kept temper, I am not a man of moods. I have never raised my hand to any of them, I am always kind to them. I can find it in me to be kind to you, far kinder than you imagine at the moment, I think. Indeed, I want to be kind to you, Hannah.

To be brief, I regret that I released you from our betrothal and this letter is to ask you to promise yourself to me once more. I wish to marry you, Hannah.

I think about you all of the time, I want to see you, I want to touch you. When I kissed you good-bye I am afraid I was rough with you and you did not want my kiss. I did not mean to repel you. I felt anger and desire, all mixed up at that moment, and had no care what you might be feeling. I hope to G.o.d that the kiss did not frighten you. You see, Hannah, I think I am in love with you.

I tell you this because I don't know what else to do with this hot stir of feelings in my heart and in my body. I cannot sleep and I cannot eat. I am doing everything I should do and yet I cannot settle to anything. Forgive me if this offends you, but what am I to do? Surely I should tell you? If we were married we would share this secret in the marriage bed - but I cannot even think about being wedded and bedded with you, it heats my blood even to think of you as my wife.

Please write back to me as soon as you read this and tell me what you want. I would tear this up rather than have you laugh at it. Perhaps it would be better if I did not send it. It can join the other letters that I have written to you but never sent. There are dozens of them. I cannot tell you what I feel. I cannot tell you in a letter what I want. I cannot tell you how much I feel, how much I want you.

I wish to G.o.d you would write to me. I wish to G.o.d I could make you understand the fever that I am in.

Daniel

A woman ready for love would have replied at once, a girl ready for womanhood would have at least sent some sort of reply. I read it through very carefully, and then I put it at the back of a fire and burned it, as if I would burn my desire to ashes, along with his letter. At least I had the honesty to recognize my desire. I had felt it when he had held me in the shadowy press room, it had blazed up when he had crushed me to him when we parted at the wagon. But I knew that if I replied to him, he would come to fetch me, and then I would be his wife and a woman tamed. This was a man who believed that G.o.d had ordained him to be my natural master. A woman who loved him would have to learn obedience, and I was not yet ready to be an obedient wife.

Besides, I had no time to think about Daniel, or about my future. The messenger from London had brought papers for Elizabeth as well as me. When I entered her rooms I found her wound up to breaking pitch at the prospect of her sister's marriage, and her own disinheritance. She was stalking the room like a furious cat. She had received a cold message from the queen's chamberlain that Philip of Spain had left his country and was sailing for his new home of England, that the court would meet him at Winchester - but Elizabeth herself was not invited. And - as if to add insult to Elizabeth's hurt pride - she was to send me to join the queen and the court at once, on receipt of these orders. The fool was valued more than the princess. My service to Elizabeth was to be put aside, I imagined that it would be forgotten as Elizabeth was currently forgotten.

"This is to insult me," she spat.

"It will not be the queen's doing," I said, soothingly. "It will just be the gathering of her court."

"I am part of her court!"

I said nothing, diplomatically silent about the numbers of times that Elizabeth had refused to join the court, feigning ill health or demanding a delay, because she had her own reasons to stay at her home.

"She does not dare to meet Philip of Spain with me at her side!" she said crudely. "She knows he will look from the old queen to the young princess and prefer me!"

I did not correct her. No one would have looked at Elizabeth with desire at the moment, she was bloated with her illness again, and her eyes were raw and red. Only anger was keeping her on her feet.

"He is betrothed to her," I said quietly. "It's not a matter of desire."

"She cannot leave me here to rot my life away! I will die here, Hannah! I have been sick near to death and there is no one to care for me, she won't send me doctors, she is hoping I will die!"

"I am sure she will not..."

"Then why am I not summoned to court?"

I shook my head. The argument was as circular as Elizabeth's furious pace around the room. Suddenly she stopped, put her hand to her heart.

"I am ill," she said, her voice very low. "My heart flutters with anxiety and I have been so sick I cannot get out of bed in the morning. Really, Hannah, even when there is no one watching. I cannot endure this, I cannot go on like this. Every day I think to have the news that she has decided to have me executed. Every morning I wake thinking that the soldiers will come for me. How long can I live like this, d'you think, Hannah? I am a young woman, I am only twenty! I should be looking forward to a feast at court to celebrate my coming of age, I should have presents and gifts. I should have been betrothed by now! How can I be expected to bear such continuous fear? n.o.body knows what it is like."

I nodded. The only one who could have understood was the queen; for she too had once been the heir that everyone hated. But Elizabeth had thrown away the love of the queen and she would have trouble in finding it again.

"Sit down," I said gently. "I will fetch you some small ale."

"I don't want small ale," she said crossly, though her legs buckled beneath her. "I want my place at court. I want my freedom."

"It will come." I fetched a jug and a cup from the sideboard and poured her a drink. She sipped it and then looked at me.

"It's all right for you," she said nastily. "You're not a prisoner. You're not even my servant. You can come and go as you please. She wants you at her side. You will be able to see all your grand friends again when you meet them at Winchester for the wedding feast. No doubt they will have a new doublet and hose for you - the pet hermaphrodite. No doubt you will be in the queen's train."

"Perhaps."

"Hannah, you can't leave me," she said flatly.

"Lady Elizabeth, I have to go, the queen commands me."

"She said you were to be my companion."

"And now she says I am to leave."

"Hannah!" She broke off, near to tears.

Slowly, I knelt at her feet and looked up into her face. Elizabeth was always such a mixture of raging emotion and calculation that I could rarely take her measure. "My lady?"

"Hannah, I have no one here but you and Kat and that idiot Sir Henry. I am a young woman, I am at my peak of beauty and wit and I live alone, a prisoner, with no companion but a nursemaid, a fool and an idiot."

"Then you will hardly miss the fool," I said dryly.

I meant to make her laugh but when she looked at me her eyes were filled with tears. "I will miss the fool," she said. "I have no one to be my friend, I have no one to talk to. I have no one to care for me."

She rose to her feet. "Walk with me," she commanded.

We went through the ramshackle palace and through the door which hung, half off its hinges, into the garden. She leaned on me and I felt her weakness. The gra.s.s was sprawled over the path, there were nettles thrusting up in all the ditches. Elizabeth and I made our way through the ruin of the garden like two old women, clinging to each other. For a moment I thought that her fears were true: that this imprisonment would be the death of her, even if the queen did not send for the executioner and his ax. We went through the swinging gate and into the orchard. The petals from the blossom were spilled over the gra.s.s like snow, the boughs leaned down with their creamy weight. Elizabeth looked around the orchard before she put her hand in my arm and drew me to her.

"I am ruined," she said softly. "If she bears a son to him, I am ruined." She turned from me and walked across the gra.s.s, her shabby black gown brus.h.i.+ng the damp petals which clung to the hem. "A son," she muttered, cautious even in her chagrin to keep her voice low. "A d.a.m.ned Spanish son. A d.a.m.ned Catholic Spanish son. And England an outpost of the Spanish empire, England, my England, a cat's-paw of Spanish policy. And the priests back, and the burnings beginning, and my father's faith and my father's legacy torn out of English earth before it has time to flower. d.a.m.n her. d.a.m.n her to h.e.l.l and her misconceived child with her."

"Lady Elizabeth!" I exclaimed. "Don't say that!"

She rounded on me, her hands up, her fists clenched. If I had been closer, she would have hit me. She was in such a pa.s.sion she was beyond knowing what she was doing. "d.a.m.n her, and d.a.m.n you too for standing her friend."

"You must have thought it might happen," I started. "The marriage was agreed, he would not delay for ever..."

"Why would I think that she would marry?" she snapped. "Who would have her? Old and plain, named as a b.a.s.t.a.r.d for half her life, half the princes of Europe have refused her already. If it was not for her d.a.m.ned Spanish blood, Philip would never have had her. He must have begged to be excused. He must have gone down on his knees and prayed for any fate rather than to be forced to stick it up that old dried-up virgin."

"Elizabeth!" I exclaimed, I was genuinely shocked.