Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 1

Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers.

Vol. I.

by Various.

_PREFACE_

_The collection of these humorous paragraphs has extended over a number of years. Even a small beginning became a source of such entertainment that the collection grew and grew, always without any thought of publication._

_The man who can not laugh has yet to be found. Therein lies that immediate appeal to a common ground which the sense of humor gives, and it has been a conspicuous characteristic of those who look to the public for appreciation and support. Lord Palmerston and Abraham Lincoln were two notable examples of men for whom sympathy quickened through their ready wit, and no political speaker drives home his arguments half so well as he who can introduce a witty ill.u.s.tration.

The joke has ever been a potent factor in combating oppression and corruption, in ridiculing shams. It has embalmed some reputations, and has blasted others. It is the champion of the weak against the strong, and has often illuminated for us, as in a flash, a glimpse of character or custom that would otherwise have been lost to the world._

_There is only one similar collection of which I am aware, the "Jest Book" by Mark Lemon, who was for twenty-nine years the editor of "Punch." Alas that there should be fas.h.i.+ons in jokes as well as in hats, for much of his book that we know must have been humorous reading to his contemporaries, leaves us, of the present generation in America, indifferent._

_I shall be glad if some of my readers are minded to do a graceful act and send me, in return, some paragraphs to add to my collection._

_I wish to take this opportunity to thank the following publications for the paragraphs borrowed from their columns:_

_Evening Sun, Lippincott's, Pittsburg Dispatch, San Francisco News-Letter, Ladies' Home Journal, Was.h.i.+ngton Star, Mail and Express, Youth's Companion, Life, Good Housekeeping, Argonaut, Buffalo Commercial, t.i.t-Bits, Punch, The Tattler, Harper's Weekly, Harper's Monthly, Democratic Telegram, Cleveland Plaindealer, Harvard Lampoon, Judge, Philadelphia Ledger, Sat.u.r.day Evening Post, Philadelphia Evening Bulletin, Boston Herald, Kansas City Star, Was.h.i.+ngton Post, Success, Atchison Globe, New York Times, Woman's Home Companion, London Mail, Louisville Courier-Journal, Rochester Post-Express, New York Tribune, New York Observer, Chicago Daily News, Pittsburg Post, Pittsburg Observer, Philadelphia Public Ledger, New York World, Pick-me-up, Harper's Bazar, The Green Bag, Tacoma Ledger, Pittsburg Dispatch, The Wasp, Cornell Widow, Was.h.i.+ngton Post, Kansas City Independent, Short Stories._

_W. P._

AMONG THE HUMORISTS AND AFTER-DINNER SPEAKERS

There is a delicious flavor about this story of a Virginia lady, married to a man who, though uniformly unsuccessful in his hunting trips, boastingly spoke of his "killings."

One day, returning from a trip, with the usual accompaniment of an empty bag, it occurred to him that his wife would make fun of him if he returned without even one proof of his oft-boasted skill. So he purchased a brace of partridges to deceive his trusting spouse. As he threw them on the table in front of her, he observed: "Well, my dear, you see I am not so awkward with the gun after all."

"d.i.c.k," replied the wife, turning from the birds with a grimace, after a brief examination, "you were quite right in shooting these birds to-day; to-morrow it would have been too late."

Uncle Toby was aghast at finding a strange darky with his arm around Mandy's waist.

"Mandy, tell dat n.i.g.g.ah to take his ahm 'way from round yo' waist," he indignantly commanded. "Tell him yo'self," said Mandy haughtily. "He's a puffect stranger to me."

A c.o.c.kney tourist was on a visit to a Highland town famous for its golf-links. Through wearing a pair of stiff leather gaiters several sizes too large for him, he was compelled to walk bow-legged. Being a very slow player, others were forced to wait for him at every hole. At the fourth hole a Highlander after watching the visitor miss the ball three times was unable to wait any longer, and drove his ball clean between the tourist's legs. "What!" he of the gaitered legs yelled furiously. "Do you call that golf?" "Mebbe no," replied the Gael, "but it's very good croquet."

After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands with a young German.

"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector.

"Yes," said the German, "I take the 7.45 every morning."

Meeting a negro, a certain Southern gentleman asked him how he was getting on.

The negro a.s.sumed a troubled look, and replied:

"Oh, so far's physicality goes, I'm all right; but I sure do have ma troubles wif ma wife."

"Well, Sam, I'm sorry to hear that. What seems to be the matter?"

"She thinks money grows on trees, I reckon. All de time she keeps pesterin' me foh pinch o' change. If it ain't a dollah it's half or a quarter she wants."

"What on earth does she do with the money?"

"I dunno. Ain't nevah give her none yet."

A mountaineer of one of the back counties of North Carolina was arraigned with several others for illicit distilling. "Defendant,"

said the court, "what is your name?"

"Joshua," was the reply.

"Are you the man who made the sun stand still?"

Quick as a flash came the answer, "No, sir; I am the man who made the moons.h.i.+ne."

"They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon than they do now," said a well-known Frenchman. "The emperor one day met an old one-armed veteran.

"'How did you lose your arm?' he asked.

"'Sire, at Austerlitz.'

"'And were you not decorated?'

"'No, sire.'

"'Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier.'

"'Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm! What would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?'

"'Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion.'

"Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his other arm."