Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 12

When Blaine was a young lawyer, and cases were few, he was asked to defend a poverty-stricken tramp accused of stealing a watch. He pleaded with all the ardor at his command, drawing so pathetic a picture with such convincing energy that at the close of his argument the court was in tears and even the tramp wept. The jury deliberated but a few minutes and returned the verdict "not guilty." Then the tramp drew himself up, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the future "Plumed Knight," and said: "Sir, I have never heard so grand a plea, I have not cried before since I was a child. I have no money with which to reward you, but (drawing a package from the depths of his ragged clothes), here's that watch; take it and welcome."

The other day an ingenious-looking person called with the message to the housewife that her husband had sent him for his dress suit, which was to be pressed and redone by the tailor.

"Dear me," said the housewife, "he said nothing to me about it. Did he look quite well?"

"Yes, mum; he wuz in good health and spirits."

"And he seemed quite as if he knew what he was about?"

"He did that, mum."

"And did he look as if he were quite content with things about him?"

"He was all that, mum."

"Well," said the lady, "it seems strange that he should only think of that dress suit now, because it's ten years since he's dead and buried, and I've often wondered how he's been getting on."

Two friends were walking down Bond Street, London. A man came up and saluted the elder: "How do you do, Lord ----?"

"Ah! how-do? Glad to see you. How's the old complaint?"

The stranger's face clouded over and he shook his head. "No better."

"Dear me; so sorry. Glad to have met you. Good-by."

"Who's your friend?" asked the other, when the stranger was gone.

"No idea."

"Why, you asked him about his old complaint!"

"Pooh, pooh!" replied the n.o.bleman, unconcernedly. "The old fellow's well over sixty; bound to have something the matter with him."

"Did you tip the waiter?"

"Yes, so to speak. I turned him down."

Dr. Jowett of Oxford was a formidable wit. At a gathering at which he was present the talk ran upon the comparative gifts of two Balliol men who had been made respectively a judge and a bishop. Prof. Henry Smith, famous in his day for his brilliancy, p.r.o.nounced the bishop to be the greater man of the two for this reason: "A judge, at the most, can only say, 'You be hanged,' whereas a bishop can say, 'You be d.a.m.ned!'"

"Yes," said Dr. Jowett, but if the judge says, "'You be hanged,' you _are_ hanged."

"I'm so glad you've come. We're going to have a young married couple for dinner."

"I'm glad too. They ought to be tender."

"I pay as I go," declared the pompous citizen.

"Not while I'm running these apartments," declared the janitor.

"You'll pay as you move in."

Among seven distinguished men who were to speak at the opening exercises of a new school was a professor well known for his lapses of memory. But his speech was clear that night, and as he seated himself his loving wife felt that he had fully earned the burst of applause that followed, and she clapped her little hands enthusiastically.

Then her cheeks crimsoned.

"Did you see anything amusing about the close of my address, my dear?"

asked the Professor as they started for home. "It seemed as if I heard sounds suggestive of merriment about me."

"Well, dear," said she, "of all the people who applauded your address, you clapped the loudest and longest."

Teacher--"What is the Hague tribunal?"

Willie--"The Hague tribunal ar--"

Teacher--"Don't say 'The Hague tribunal are,' Willie; use is."

Willie--"The Hague tribunal isbitrates national controversies."

Sir Wilfrid Laurier was once on an electioneering tour in Ontario and, as the elections were bitterly contested, every effort was made to stir up race and religious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal sent this telegram to Sir Wilfrid: "Report in circulation in this country that your children have not been baptized. Telegraph denial." To this the Premier replied: "Sorry to say report is correct. I have no children."

The teacher of one of the rooms in a school in the suburbs of Cleveland had been training her pupils in antic.i.p.ation of a visit from the school commissioner. At last he came, and the cla.s.ses were called out to show their attainments.

The arithmetic cla.s.s was the first called, and in order to make a good impression the teacher put the first question to Johnny Smith, the star pupil.

"Johnny, if coal is selling at $6 per ton, and you pay the coal dealer $24, how many tons of coal will he bring you?"

"Three," was the prompt reply from Johnny.

The teacher, much embarra.s.sed, said, "Why, Johnny, that isn't right."