Redshirts: A Novel Part 21

"Don't ask me, it's not my century," Duvall said. "We all got thrown out and now Corey's pa.s.sed out on the sidewalk. He was already drunk off his a.s.s when we got there."

"Sc.r.a.pe him off the sidewalk and fish through his pockets for his valet ticket," Dahl said. "Get all of you in his car and then wait for me. I'll be there in just a couple of minutes. Try not to get yourselves arrested."

"I promise nothing," Duvall said, and hung up.

"Problem?" Nick asked. He had come back up while Dahl was on the phone.

"My friends got into a fight at the Vine Club and got kicked out," Dahl said. "I need to go get them before the police arrive."

"You're having an interesting night," Nick said.

"You have no idea," Dahl said. "What do I owe you for the beer?"

Nick waved him off. "On the house," he said. "Your one good thing for the evening."

"Thank you," Dahl said, and then paused, looking at his phone and then looking up at Nick. "Would you mind if I took a picture of the two of us?"

"Now you're getting weird," Nick said, but smiled and leaned in. Dahl held the phone out and took the picture.

"Thanks," Dahl said again.

"No problem," Nick said. "Now you better go before your friends are hauled away."

Dahl hurried out.

Two minutes later he was outside the Vine Club, watching Duvall and Kerensky wrestling with Marc Corey by a black, sleek automobile, while Mitch and a valet looked on. The pretty, posed people had their phones out, taking video of it all.

"Man, what the h.e.l.l is this?" Mitch asked as Dahl walked up. "Your pals are in there not ten minutes and this chump tries to wreck the place getting at them."

"Sorry about that," Dahl said.

"And this clone action is just freaky," Mitch said.

"My friends were in there to get Marc," Dahl lied, and pointed at Kerensky. "That's his public double. They use him for publicity sometimes. We heard he was getting a little rowdy and came to get him because he's got to be on set tomorrow."

"He wasn't rowdy until your friends showed up," Mitch said. "And what does that dude need a double for? He's a supporting actor on a basic cable science fiction show. It's not like he's actually famous."

"You should see him at Comic-Con," Dahl said.

Mitch snorted. "He better enjoy that, then, because he's banned here," he said. "When your friend is coherent tell him that if he shows up again, he'll achieve warp speed thanks to my foot in his a.s.s."

"I'll use those words exactly," Dahl said.

"Do that," Mitch said, and turned back to his duties.

Dahl walked over to Duvall. "What's the problem?" he asked.

"He's drunk and has no bones," Duvall said, struggling with Corey. "And he's woken up enough to argue with us."

"You can't handle a boneless drunk?" Dahl asked.

"Of course I can," Duvall said. "But you said you didn't want us to get arrested."

"A little help here would be nice," Kerensky said, as Corey's drunken hand stabbed a finger up his nose.

Dahl nodded, opened the door to the black car and pulled the front seat forward. Duvall and Kerensky got a better grip on Corey, steadied him and then hurled him into the backseat. Corey jammed in, head into the far corner of the backseat, a.s.s in the air. He whimpered for a second and then made a flabby exhaling sound. He was out again.

"I'm not sitting with him," Kerensky said.

"No you're not," Dahl agreed, reached into the car and pulled Corey's wallet out of his pants. He held it out to Kerensky. "You're driving."

"Why am I driving?" Kerensky asked.

"Because then if we get pulled over, you're him," Dahl said.

"Right," Kerensky said, taking the wallet.

"I'll pay the valet," Duvall said.

"Tip well," Dahl said.

A minute later Kerensky figured out what "D" meant on the s.h.i.+ft column and the four of them were driving up Vine.

"Keep to the speed limit," Dahl said.

"I have no idea where I'm going," Kerensky said.

"You're an astrogator," Duvall said.

"This is a road," Kerensky said.

"Hold on," Duvall said, and pulled out her phone. "This thing's got a map function. Let me get it working." Kerensky grunted and kept driving.

"Well, we had a fun evening," Duvall said to Dahl, as she entered the address of the Best Western into her phone. "What did you do?"

"I saw an old friend," Dahl said, and showed Duvall the picture of him and Nick.

"Oh," Duvall said, taking the phone. She reached into the backseat and grabbed his hand. "Oh, Andy. You okay?"

"I'm okay," he said.

"He looks just like him," Duvall said, looking at the picture again.

"He would," Dahl said, and looked out the window.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.

"He's slept long enough," Dahl said, nodding to Marc Corey's unconscious form on the bed. "Wake him up."

"That would mean touching him," Duvall said.

"Not necessarily," Hester said. He reached over and took one of the pillows Corey wasn't using, and then hit him on the head with it. Corey woke up with a start.

"Nicely done," Hanson said, to Hester. He nodded in acknowledgment.

Corey sat up and looked around, disoriented. "Where am I?" he asked, to no one in particular.

"In a hotel," Dahl said. "The Best Western in Burbank."

"Why am I here?" Corey said.

"You pa.s.sed out at the Vine Club after you attacked a friend of mine," Dahl said. "We got you in your car and drove you here."

Corey looked down and furrowed his brow. "Where are my pants?" he said.

"We took them from you," Dahl said.

"Why?" Corey said.

"Because we need to talk to you," Dahl said.

"You could do that without taking my pants," Corey said.

"In a perfect world, yes," Dahl said.

Corey peered at Dahl, groggily. "I know you," he said after a minute. "You're an extra on my show." He looked at Duvall and Hanson. "So are you two." His gaze turned to Hester. "You I've never seen before."

Hester looked slightly exasperated at this. "We had a scene together," he said to Corey. "You were attacked by swarm bots."

"Dude, I have a lot of scenes with extras," Corey said. "That's why they're called 'extras.'" He turned his attention back to Dahl. "And if any of you ever want to work on the show again, you will give me my pants and my car keys, right now."

"Your pants are in the restroom," Hanson said. "Drying."

"You were so drunk you p.i.s.sed yourself," Hester said.

"Besides taking your pants for discussion purposes, we figured you might not want to go into work with clothes that smelled like urine," Dahl said.

Corey looked puzzled at this, glanced down at the underwear on his body, and then bent over at the waist, sniffing. Both Duvall and Hester gave up looks of mild disgust; Dahl watched impa.s.sively.

"I smell fine," Corey said.

"New underwear," Dahl said.

"Whose?" Corey said. "Yours?"

"No, mine," Kerensky said. All this time he had been sitting silently in a suite chair with its back to the bed. Now he stood and turned to face Corey. "After all, you and I are the same size."

Corey gazed up at Kerensky, dumbly. "You," he said, finally.

"Me," Kerensky agreed. "Who is also 'you.'"

"It's you I saw on Gawker yesterday," Corey said.

"I don't know what that means," Kerensky said.

"There was a video of someone who looked like me standing in the street without pants," Corey said. "Someone took the video on their phone and sent it to the Gawker Web site. Our show had to confirm I was on the set before anyone would believe it wasn't me. It was you."

"Yes, it was probably me," Kerensky said.

"Who are you?" Corey asked.

"I'm you," Kerensky said. "Or who you pretend to be, anyway."

"That doesn't make any sense," Corey said.

"Well, you talking about this Gawker thing doesn't make any sense to me, either, so we're even," Kerensky said.

"Why were you running around in the street without pants?" Corey asked.

Kerensky motioned to the others in the room. "They took my pants," he said.

"Why?" Corey asked.

"Because we needed to talk to him," Dahl said.

Corey tore his eyes away from Kerensky. "What is wrong with you people?" he asked.

"You're still here," Dahl pointed out.

But Corey was ignoring him again. He got out of the bed and walked over to Kerensky, who stood there, watching him. Corey looked him all over. "It's amazing," Corey said. "You look exactly like me."

"I am exactly like you," Kerensky said. "Down to the last detail."

"That's not possible," Corey said, staring into Kerensky's face.

"It's possible," Kerensky said, and stepped closer to Corey. "Take a closer look." The two of them stood an inch apart while Corey examined Kerensky's body.

"Okay, this is getting creepy," Hester said, quietly, to Dahl.

"Marc, we need your help," Dahl said to Corey. "We need you to get us in to talk to Charles Paulson."