Our Deportment Part 10

VULGAR EXCLAMATIONS.

No lady should make use of any feminine subst.i.tute for profanity. The woman who exclaims "The d.i.c.kens!" or "Mercy!" or "Goodness!" when she is annoyed or astonished, is as vulgar in spirit, though perhaps not quite so regarded by society, as though she had used expressions which it would require but little stretch of the imagination to be regarded as profane.

WIT.

You may be witty and amusing if you like, or rather if you can; but never use your wit at the expense of others.

"Wit's an unruly engine, wildly striking Sometimes a friend, sometimes the engineer; Hast thou the knack? pamper it not with liking; But if thou want it, buy it not too dear.

Many affecting wit beyond their power Have got to be a dear fool for an hour."--HERBERT.

DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS.

Avoid all exhibitions of temper before others, if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of your own apartments.

IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS.

Never ask impertinent questions. Some authorities in etiquette even go so far as to say that _all_ questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished to inquire after the health of the brother of your friend, you would say, "I hope your brother is well," not, "How is your brother's health?"

THE CONFIDENCE OF OTHERS.

Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others; but if they give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge one.

USE OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

Do not form the habit of introducing words and phrases of French or other foreign languages into common conversation. This is only allowable in writing, and not then except when the foreign word or phrase expresses more clearly and directly than English can do the desired meaning. In familiar conversation this is an affectation, only pardonable when all persons present are particularly familiar with the language.

PRETENSES.

Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pa.s.s for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies, if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to impress upon your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the faces of others.

It is better to say nothing about it, either in excuse or defense.

DOGMATIC STYLE OF SPEAKING.

Never speak dogmatically or with an a.s.sumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. If they discover your superiority of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.

FAULT-FINDING.

Do not be censorious or fault-finding. Long and close friends.h.i.+p may sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, "First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye."

CONVERSING WITH LADIES.

A gentleman should never lower the intellectual standard of his conversation in addressing ladies. Pay them the compliment of seeming to consider them capable of an equal understanding with gentlemen. You will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to find in how many cases the supposition will be grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it is not, the ladies will be pleased rather than offended at the delicate compliment you pay them. When you "come down" to commonplace or small-talk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the consequence; she either recognizes the condescension and despises you, or else she accepts it as the highest intellectual effort of which you are capable, and rates you accordingly.

HOBBIES.

People with hobbies are at once the easiest and most difficult persons with whom to engage in conversation. On general subjects they are idealess and voiceless beyond monosyllables. But introduce their special hobby, and if you choose you need only to listen. There is much profit to be derived from the conversation of these persons. They will give you a clearer idea of the aspects of any subject or theory which they may have taken to heart, than you could perhaps gain in any other way.

The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however, to be specially recommended. An individual, though he may be pardoned in cultivating special tastes, should yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and general information to be able to converse intelligently on all subjects, and he should, as far as possible, reserve his hobby-riding for exhibition before those who ride hobbies similar to his own.

THINGS TO BE AVOIDED.

It must be remembered that a social gathering should never be made the arena of a dispute. Consequently every subject liable to provoke a discussion should be avoided. Even slight inaccuracy in a statement of facts or opinions should rarely be remarked on in conversation.

Do not permit yourself to lose your temper in society, nor show that you have taken offense at a supposed slight.

If anyone should a.s.sume a disagreeable tone of voice or offensive manner toward you, never return it in company, and, above all, do not adopt the same style of conversation with him. Appear not to notice it, and generally it will be discontinued, as it will be seen that it has failed in its object.

Avoid all coa.r.s.eness and undue familiarity in addressing others. A person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.

Never attack the character of others in their absence; and if you hear others attacked, say what you can consistently to defend them.

If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all cant. Cant words and phrases may be used in good faith from the force of habit, but their use subjects the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity.

Do not ask the price of articles you observe, except from intimate friends, and then very quietly, and only for some good reason.

Do not appear to notice an error in language, either in p.r.o.nunciation or grammar, made by the person with whom you are conversing, and do not repeat correctly the same word or phrase. This would be as ill-bred as to correct it when spoken.

Mimicry is ill-bred, and must be avoided.

Sneering at the private affairs of others has long ago been banished from the conversation of well-mannered people.

Never introduce unpleasant topics, nor describe revolting scenes in general company.

Never give officious advice. Even when sought for, give advice sparingly.

Never, directly or indirectly, refer to the affairs of others, which it may give them pain in any degree to recall.

Never hold your companion in conversation by the b.u.t.ton-hole. If you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you wish, you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome, and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.

Especially avoid contradictions, interruptions and monopolizing all conversation yourself. These faults are all intolerable and very offensive.

To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood by him alone, is as rude as if you had whispered in his ear.

Avoid stale and trite remarks on commonplace subjects; also all egotism and anecdotes of personal adventure and exploit, unless they should be called out by persons you are conversing with.

To make a cla.s.sical quotation in a mixed company is considered pedantic and out of place, as is also an ostentatious display of your learning.

A gentleman should avoid talking about his business or profession, unless such matters are drawn from him by the person with whom he is conversing. It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ technical or professional terms in general conversation.