Our Deportment Part 2

In introducing members of your own family, be careful not only to specify the degree of relations.h.i.+p, but to give the name also. It is awkward to a stranger to be introduced to "My brother Tom," or "My sister Carrie." When either the introducer or the introduced is a married lady, the name of the party introduced can only be guessed at.

BESTOWING OF t.i.tLES.

In introducing a person give him his appropriate t.i.tle. If he is a clergyman, say "The Rev. Mr. Clark." If a doctor of divinity, say "The Rev. Dr. Clark." If he is a member of Congress, call him "Honorable,"

and specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he is governor of a State, mention what State. If he is a man of any celebrity in the world of art or letters, it is well to mention the fact something after this manner: "Mr. Fish, the artist, whose pictures you have frequently seen," or "Mr. Hart, author of 'Our Future State,' which you so greatly admired."

OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS.

A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers, and courtesy requires the latter to cultivate the acquaintance while your visitor remains with you. If you are the caller introduced, you must show the same attention to the friend of your friend that you wish shown your own friends under the same circ.u.mstances. Persons meeting at public places need not introduce each other to the strangers who may chance to be with them; and, even if the introduction does take place, the acquaintance need not be continued unless desired.

THE OBLIGATION OF AN INTRODUCTION.

Two persons who have been properly introduced have in future certain claims upon one another's acquaintance which should be recognized, unless there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even in that case good manners require the formal bow of recognition upon meeting, which, of itself, encourages no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person will meet another with a stare.

THE SALUTATION AFTER INTRODUCTION.

A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy, after an introduction.

Shaking hands is optional, and it should rest with the older, or the superior in social standing to make the advances. It is often an act of kindness on their part, and as such to be commended. It is a common practice among gentlemen, when introduced to one another, to shake hands, and as it evinces more cordiality than a mere bow, is generally to be preferred. An unmarried lady should not shake hands with gentlemen indiscriminately.

THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE.

It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether she will recognize a gentleman after an introduction, and he is bound to return the bow. In bowing to a lady on the street, it is not enough that a gentleman should touch his hat, he should lift it from his head.

THE "CUT DIRECT."

The "cut direct," which is given by a prolonged stare at a person, if justified at all, can only be in case of extraordinary and notoriously bad conduct on the part of the individual "cut," and is very seldom called for. If any one wishes to avoid a bowing acquaintance with another, it can be done by looking aside or dropping the eyes. It is an invariable rule of good society, that a gentleman cannot "cut" a lady under any circ.u.mstances, but circ.u.mstances may arise when he may be excused for persisting in not meeting her eyes, for if their eyes meet, he must bow.

MEETING IN THE STREET.

If, while walking with one friend, in the street, you meet another and stop a moment to speak with the latter, it is not necessary to introduce the two who are strangers to one another; but, when you separate, the friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation, the same as yourself. The same rule applies if the friend you meet chances to be a lady.

INTRODUCING YOURSELF.

If, on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you are not recognized, mention your name immediately. If you know but one member of the family and you find others only in the room, introduce yourself to them. Unless this is done, much awkwardness may be occasioned.

ABOUT SHAKING HANDS.

When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should merely bow but not give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well known friend of some member of the family. In that case she may do so if she pleases, as a mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has made the first movement.

A married lady should extend her hand upon being introduced to a stranger brought to her house by her husband, or by a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial welcome.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

Friendly letters of introduction should only be given to personal friends, introducing them, and only addressed to those with whom the writer has a strong personal friends.h.i.+p. It is not only foolish, but positively dangerous to give such a letter to a person with whom the writer is but slightly acquainted, as you may thus give your countenance and endors.e.m.e.nt to a person who will take advantage of your carelessness to bring you into embarra.s.sing and mortifying positions. Again, you should never address a letter of introduction to any but an intimate friend of long standing, and even then it should not be done, unless you are perfectly satisfied that the person you are to introduce will be an agreeable and congenial person for your friend to meet, as it would be very annoying to send to your friend a visitor who would prove to him disagreeable. Even amongst friends of long standing such letters should be given very cautiously and sparingly.

The form of letters of introduction is given in the chapter on "Letter-writing."

DELIVERING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.

It is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of introduction to a person who resides in another town. It is better to send it to the person to whom it is directed, on your arrival, accompanied by your card of address. If he wishes to comply with the request of his friend he will call upon you, and give you an invitation to visit him; circ.u.mstances, however, might render it exceedingly inconvenient, or impossible for the person to whom the letter is addressed, to call upon you; consequently a neglect to call need not be considered a mark of ill-breeding, though by some people it is so considered. The person addressed must consult his own feelings in the matter, and while aiming to do what is right, he is not bound to sacrifice business or other important matters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's friend.

In such a case he may send his own card to the address of the person bearing the letter of introduction, and the latter is at liberty to call upon him at his leisure.

THE DUTY OF THE PERSON ADDRESSED.

In Europe it is the custom for a person with a letter of introduction to make the first call, but in this country we think that a stranger should never be made to feel that he is begging our attention, and that it is indelicate for him to intrude until he is positive that his company would be agreeable. Consequently, if it is your wish and in your power to welcome any one recommended to you by letter from a friend, or to show your regard for your friend's friend, you must call upon him with all possible dispatch, after you receive his letter of introduction, and give him as hospitable a reception and entertainment as it is possible to give, and such as you would be pleased to receive were you in his place.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.

Letters of introduction to and from business men may be delivered by the bearers in person, and etiquette does not require the receiver to entertain the person introduced as a friend of the writer. It is entirely optional with the person to whom the latter is introduced how he welcomes him, or whether he entertains him or not, though his courtesy would be apt to suggest that some kind attentions should be paid him.

CHAPTER IV.

Salutations.

Carlyle says: "What we call 'formulas' are not in their origin bad; they are indisputably good. Formula is method, habitude; found wherever man is found. Formulas fas.h.i.+on themselves as paths do, as beaten highways leading toward some sacred, high object, whither many men are bent.

Consider it: One man full of heartfelt, earnest impulse finds out a way of doing something--were it uttering his soul's reverence for the Highest, _were it but of fitly saluting his fellow-man_. An inventor was needed to do that, a poet; he has articulated the dim, struggling thought that dwelt in his own and many hearts. This is the way of doing that. These are his footsteps, the beginning of a 'path.' And now see the second man travels naturally in the footsteps of his foregoer; it is the easiest method. In the footsteps of his foregoer, yet with his improvements, with changes where such seem good; at all events with enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more travel it, till at last there is a broad highway, whereon the whole world may travel and drive."

SALUTATION ORIGINALLY AN ACT OF WORs.h.i.+P.

A lady writer of distinction says of salutations: "It would seem that good manners were originally the expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of wors.h.i.+p. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for example, the words 'sir' and 'madam.' 'Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The t.i.tle of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France, who, as Selden has said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than baron, as _Le Sire de Montmorenci_ and the like.' 'Madam' or 'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your highness,' _madame_ originally meaning high-born, or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank.

"To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friend as he pa.s.ses the window or drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian n.o.ble. Each of these acts has a primary, an historical significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is from _salutatio_, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of manners.

"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to G.o.ds and rulers. A bow is a modified prostration. A lady's courtesy is a modified genuflection. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand 'somewhat off before the images of their G.o.ds, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.'

Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair _chatelaine_; and the custom, which began in necessity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette."

SALUTATIONS OF DIFFERENT NATIONS.

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours. The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation.