Our Deportment Part 8

These are a loving tribute to the memory of the departed; an English custom rapidly gaining favor with us; it announces to friends the death, of which they might remain in ignorance but for this mark of respect:

[Ill.u.s.tration: George A. Custer

Lieutenant-Colonel Seventh Cavalry, Brevet Major-General United States Army, Born December 5th, 1839, Harrison County, Ohio, Killed, with his entire Command, in the Battle of Little Big Horn, June 25th, 1876.

Oh, Custer--Gallant Custer! man fore-doomed Go ride, like Rupert, spurred and waving-plumed, Into the very jaws of death.]

CARDS OF CONDOLENCE.

Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances must be returned by "mourning cards" before such persons feel at liberty to make a call.

When the bereaved are ready to receive calls (instead of the cards) of their acquaintances, "mourning cards" in envelopes, or otherwise, are returned to all those who have left their cards since the death, which was the occasion of the cards being left. Intimate friends, of course, do not wait for cards, but continue their calls, without regard to any ceremonious observances made for the protection of the bereaved.

Acquaintances leaving cards should inquire after the health of the family, leaving the cards in person.

MOURNING CARDS.

On announcement of a death it is correct to call in person at the door; to make inquiries and leave your card, with lower left hand corner turned down. Unless close intimacy exists, it is not usage to ask to see the afflicted. Cards can be sent to express sympathy, but notes of condolence are permissible only from intimate friends.

A BRIDEGROOM'S CARD.

When only the family and the most intimate friends of a bride and bridegroom have been included in the invitation for the marriage, or where there has been no reception after the marriage at church, the bridegroom often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope) to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on visiting terms. Those who receive a card should call on the bride, within ten days after she has taken possession of her home. Some persons have received such a card as an intimation that the card was to end the acquaintance. This mistake shows the necessity of a better understanding of social customs.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

CHAPTER VIII.

Conversation.

The character of a person is revealed by his conversation as much as by any one quality he possesses, for strive as he may he cannot always be acting.

IMPORTANCE OF CONVERSING WELL.

To be able to converse well is an attainment which should be cultivated by every intelligent man and woman. It is better to be a good talker than a good singer or musician, because the former is more widely appreciated, and the company of a person who is able to talk well on a great variety of subjects, is much sought after. The importance, therefore, of cultivating the art of conversation, cannot easily be over-estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent persons to acquire the habit of talking sensibly and with facility upon all topics of general interest to society, so that they may both interest others and be themselves interested, in whatever company they may chance to be thrown.

TRAINING CHILDREN.

The training for this should be commenced in early childhood. Parents should not only encourage their children to express themselves freely upon everything that attracts their attention and interests them, but they should also incite their faculties of perception, memory and close observation, by requiring them to recount everything, even to its minutest details, that they may have observed in walking to and from school, or in taking a ride in a carriage or in the cars. By training a child to a close observation of everything he meets or pa.s.ses, his mind becomes very active, and the habit having once been acquired, he becomes interested in a great variety of objects; sees more and enjoys more than one who has not been so trained.

CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.

A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring the art of conversation, and the cultivation and training of this faculty is a matter of importance. Early youth is the proper time to begin this training, and parents and teachers should give special attention to the cultivation of memory. When children are taken to church, or to hear a lecture, they should be required to relate or to write down from memory, such a digest of the sermon or lecture as they can remember. Adults may also adopt this plan for cultivating the memory, and they will be surprised to find how continued practice in this will improve this faculty. The practice of taking notes impairs rather than aids the memory, for then a person relies almost entirely in the notes taken, and does not tax the memory sufficiently. A person should also train himself to remember the names of persons whom he becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them whenever or wherever he may subsequently meet them. It is related of a large wholesale boot and shoe merchant of an eastern city, that he was called upon one day by one of his best customers, residing in a distant city, whom he had frequently met, but whose name, at the time, he could not recall, and received his order for a large bill of goods. As he was about to leave, the merchant asked his name, when the customer indignantly replied that he supposed he was known by a man from whom he had purchased goods for many years, and countermanding his order, he left the store, deaf to all attempts at explanation. Though this may be an extreme case, it ill.u.s.trates the importance of remembering the names of people when circ.u.mstances require it.

HENRY CLAY'S MEMORY OF NAMES.

One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politician was his faculty of remembering the names of persons he had met. It is said of him that if he was once introduced to a person, he was ever afterwards able to call him by name, and recount the circ.u.mstances of their first meeting. This faculty he cultivated after he entered upon the practice of law in Kentucky, and soon after he began his political life. At that time his memory for names was very poor, and he resolved to improve it. He adopted the practice, just before retiring at night, of recalling the names of all the persons he had met during the day, writing them in a note book, and repeating over the list the next morning. By this practice, he acquired in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering the names of persons he had become acquainted with.

WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING.

To converse correctly--to use correct language in conversation--is also a matter of importance, and while this can be acquired by a strict attention to grammatical rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the habit of writing down one's thoughts. In writing, strict regard is, or should be, paid to the correct use of language, and when a person, from constant writing, acquires the habit of using correct language, this habit will follow him in talking. A person who is accustomed to much writing, will always be found to use language correctly in speaking.

REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER.

To be a good talker then, one should be possessed of much general information, acquired by keen observation, attentive listening, a good memory, extensive reading and study, logical habits of thought, and have a correct knowledge of the use of language. He should also aim at a clear intonation, well chosen phraseology and correct accent. These acquirements are within the reach of every person of ordinary ability, who has a determination to possess them, and the energy and perseverance to carry out that determination.

VULGARISMS.

In conversation, one must scrupulously guard against vulgarisms.

Simplicity and terseness of language are the characteristics of a well educated and highly cultivated person. It is the uneducated or those who are but half educated, who use long words and high-sounding phrases. A hyperbolical way of speaking is mere flippancy, and should be avoided.

Such phrases as "awfully pretty," "immensely jolly," "abominably stupid," "disgustingly mean," are of this nature, and should be avoided.

Awkwardness of att.i.tude is equally as bad as awkwardness of speech.

Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-gla.s.s or watch chain and the like, give an air of _gaucherie_, and take off a certain percentage from the respect of others.

LISTENING.

The habit of listening with interest and attention is one which should be specially cultivated. Even if the talker is prosy and prolix, the well-bred person will appear interested, and at appropriate intervals make such remarks as shall show that he has heard and understood all that has been said. Some superficial people are apt to style this hypocrisy; but if it is, it is certainly a commendable hypocrisy, directly founded on that strict rule of good manners which commands us to show the same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves.

We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and even modify our likings whenever or wherever these are liable to give offense or pain to others. The person who turns away with manifest displeasure, disgust or want of interest when another is addressing him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act.

FLIPPANCY.

In conversation all provincialism, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations and slang are detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies of expression, hesitation, an undue use of foreign words, and anything approaching to flippancy, coa.r.s.eness, triviality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address ladies in a very flippant manner, which the latter are obliged to pa.s.s over without notice, for various reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy man has done himself an irreparable injury by thus creating a lasting prejudice in the minds of those whom he might have made his friends, had he addressed them as though he considered them rational beings, capable of sustaining their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects.

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half-opened mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation.

BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED.

Do not go into society unless you make up your mind to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well as animated. Society does not require mirth, but it does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The manner of conversation is as important as the matter.

COMPLIMENTS.

Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible. But between equals, or from those of superior position to those of inferior station, compliments should be not only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant to know that our friends think well of us, and it is always agreeable to know that we are thought well of by those who hold higher positions, such as men of superior talent, or women of superior culture.