The Funny Side of Physic Part 13

John Radcliffe, the humbug, "the physician without learning," was the son of a Yorks.h.i.+re yeoman. When he had risen to intimacy with the leading n.o.bility of London,--as he did by his "shrewdness, arrogant simplicity, and immeasurable insolence,"--he laid claim to aristocratic origin. The Earl of Derwenter recognized _Sir_ John as a kinsman; but the heralds interfered with the little "corner" of the doctor and earl, after Radcliffe's decease, by admonis.h.i.+ng the University of Oxford not to erect any escutcheon over his plebeian monument.

Of Radcliffe's success in getting patronage we have spoken in another chapter. Doubtless he, Dr. Hannes, and Dr. Mead all resorted to the same sharp tricks, of which they accused each other by turns, in order to gain notoriety and practice.

DR. EDWARD HANNES was reputed a "_basket-maker_." At least, his father followed that humble calling. Of the son's earlier life little is known.

About the year 168-, he burst upon the London aristocracy with a magnificent equipage, consisting of coach and four, and handsome liveried servants and coachmen.

These were _his_ advertis.e.m.e.nts, and he soon rode into a splendid practice, notwithstanding Radcliffe's contrary prognostication.

Dr. Hannes and Dr. Blackmer, being called to attend upon the young Duke of Gloucester, and the disease taking a fatal turn, Sir John Radcliffe was also called to examine into the case. Radcliffe could not forego the opportunity here offered to lash his rivals, and turning to them in the presence of the royal household, he said,--

"It would have been happy for the nation had you, sir (to Hannes), been bred a basket-maker, and you, sir (to Blackmer), remained a country schoolmaster, rather than have ventured out of your reach in the practice of an art to which you are an utter stranger, and for your blunders in which you ought to be whipped with one of your own rods."

As the case was simply one of rash, none of them had much to boast of.

A HORSE DOCTOR.

There have been, and still are, thousands in the various walks of life, who, at some period, have attempted the practice of medicine. Among the hundreds whom our colleges "grind out" annually, not more than one in twenty succeeds in medical practice so far as to gain any eminence, or the competence of a common laborer.

MARAT WAS A HORSE DOCTOR.

The most remarkable thing respecting this noted man occurred at his birth.

_He was born triplets!_

Yes, though "born of parents entirely unknown to history," three different places have claimed themselves, or been claimed, as his birthplace.

Before his energies became perverted to political aims, he had endeavored to rise, by his own talent and energies, through the sciences.

The year 1789 found him in the position of veterinary surgeon to the Count d'Artois, thoroughly disgusted with his failure to rise in society with the "quacks," as he termed them, "of the Corps Scientifique."

Miss Muhlbach, in her "_Maria Antoinette and her Son_," presents Marat in conversation with the cobbler, Simon, as follows:--

"The cobbler quickly turned round to confront the questioner. He saw, standing by his side, a little, remarkably crooked and dwarfed young man, whose unnaturally large head was set upon narrow, depressed shoulders, and whose whole (ludicrous) appearance made such an impression upon the cobbler that he laughed outright.

"'Not beautiful, am I?' asked the stranger, who tried to join in the laugh with the cobbler, but the result was a mere grimace; which made his unnaturally large mouth extend from ear to ear, displaying two fearful rows of long, greenish teeth. 'Not beautiful at all, am I? Dreadful ugly!'

"'You are somewhat remarkable, at least,' replied the cobbler. 'If I did not hear you speak French, and see you standing upright, I should think you the monstrous toad in the fable.'

"'I am the monstrous toad of the fable. I have merely disguised myself to-day as a man, in order to look at this Austrian woman and her brood.'

"'Where do you live, and what is your name, sir?' asked the cobbler, with glowing curiosity.

"'I live in the stables of the Count d'Artois, and my name is Jean Paul Marat.'

"'In the stable!' cried the cobbler. 'My faith, I had not supposed you a hostler or a coachman. It must be a funny sight, M. Marat, to see _you_ mounted upon a horse.'

"'You think that such a big toad does not belong there exactly. Well, you are right, brother Simon. My real business is not at all with the horses, but with the men of the stable. I am the horse doctor of the Count d'Artois, and I can a.s.sure you that I am a tolerably skilful doctor.'"

We do not quote the above author as reliable authority in personal descriptions, beyond the "shrugging of shoulders," which habit she attributes to all of her characters (_vide_ "Napoleon and Queen Louisa,"

where she uses the phrase some twenty-three times).

At the time of his a.s.suming the dictators.h.i.+p, he resided in most squalid apartments, situated in one of the lowest back streets of Paris, in criminal intimacy with the wife of his printer.... He sold their bed to get money to bring out the first number of his journal, and lived in extreme poverty at a time when he could have become immensely rich by selling his silence.

The death of this wretch was hastened only a few days by his a.s.sa.s.sination, for he was already consumed by a disgusting disease, and it is melancholy to add that he was adored after his death, and his remains deposited in the Pantheon with national honors, and an altar erected to his memory in the club of the Cordeliers.

"I killed one man to save a hundred thousand!" exclaimed the magnificent Charlotte Corday to her judges; "a villain to save innocents, a furious wild beast, to give repose to my country!" Thus the "horse doctor"

ignominiously perished at the hands of a woman,--a woman who immortalized herself by killing a "villain."

PETER PINDAR, THE PREACHER.

We find many cases where ministers have turned doctors, and _vice versa_.

"PETER PINDAR" is here worthy of a pa.s.sing notice. His true name was Wolcot. Descended from a family of doctors for several generations, he nevertheless himself failed to gain a living practice.

When King George III. sent Sir William Trelawney out as governor of Jamaica, about 1760, he took young Dr. Wolcot with him, who acted in the treble capacity of physician, private secretary, and chaplain to the governor's household. Dr. Wolcot's professional knowledge had been acquired somewhat "irregularly," and it is very doubtful whether he ever received ordination at the hands of the bishops.

It is true, however, that he acted as rector for the colony, reading prayers and preaching whenever a congregation of ten presented itself, which occurred only semi-occasionally.

The doctor was fond of shooting, and 'tis gravely reported that he and his clerk used to amuse themselves on the way to church by shooting pigeons and other wild game, with which the wood abounded. Having shot their way to the sacred edifice, the merry parson and jolly clerk would wait ten minutes for the congregation to convene, and if, at the expiration of that time, the quota had not arrived, the few were dismissed with a blessing, and the pair shot their way back home. If but a few negroes presented themselves, the rector ordered his clerk to give them a bit of silver, with which to buy them off.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE "CONGREGATION."]

One old negro, more cunning than the rest, and who discovered that the parson's interest was rather in the discharge of his fowling-piece than the discharge of his priestly duties, used to present himself punctually every Sunday at church.

"What brings you here, blackie?" asked the parson.

"To hear de prayer for sinners, and de sarmon, ma.s.ser."

"Wouldn't a _bit_ or two serve you as well?" asked the rector, with a wink.

"Well, ma.s.ser, dis chile lub de good sarmon ob yer rev'rence, but dis time de money might do," was the reply, with a significant scratch of his woolly head.

The parson would then pay the price, the negro would grin his thanks, and, chuckling to himself, retire; and for a year or more this sort of _black_-mailing was continued.

Tiring of _acting_ as priest, Wolcot returned to London, and vainly endeavored to establish himself in practice. Neither preaching nor practising physic was his forte, and he resorted to the pen. Here he discovered his genius. Adopting the _nom de plume_ of "Peter Pindar," he became famous as a political satirist, and the author of numerous popular works. He died in London in 1819. Wolcot possessed a kindly heart, and a benevolence deeper than his pockets.

POLICEMEN AS DOCTORS AND SURGEONS.

Some very laughable scenes, as well as very touching and painful ones, might be recorded, had we s.p.a.ce, where policemen have necessarily been unceremoniously summoned to act as physician or surgeon in absence of a "regular."

In Portland, the police have to turn their hand to most everything.

Circ.u.mstances beyond his control compelled one Mr. J. S. to act the part of midwife to a strapping Irish woman at the station-house, one evening, he being the sole "committee of reception" to a bouncing baby that came along somewhat precipitately. The account, which is well authenticated, closes by saying,--

"Mother, baby, and officer are doing as well as can be expected!"

We have seen the "officer." He did better than was "expected."