The Funny Side of Physic Part 19

"Verily, I swear, 'tis better to be lowly born, And range with humble livers in content, Than to be perked up in a glistening grief And wear a golden sorrow."--KING HENRY VIII.

ANECDOTE IN ILl.u.s.tRATION.--DERIVATION.--FATHER OF QUACKS.--A MEDICAL "BONFIRE."--THE "SAMSON" OF THE PROFESSION.--SIR ASTLEY.--U. S.

SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.--HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, ETC.--A MUDDLED DEFINITION.--"STOP THIEF!"--CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!--TWO POUNDS CALOMEL.--VICTIMS.--WAs.h.i.+NGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.--THE COUNTRY QUACK.--A TRUE AND LUDICROUS ANECDOTE.--DYEING TO DIE!--A SCARED DOCTOR.--DROPSY!--A HASTY WEDDING!--A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.--"SCENES FROM WESTERN PRACTICE."--"TWIST ROOT."--A JOLLY TRIO.--NEW "BUST" OF CUPID.--AN UNWILLING LISTENER.

On looking over my "collection" on quacks and charlatans, I am so strongly reminded of a little anecdote which you may have already seen in print, but which so well ill.u.s.trates painfully the facts to be adduced in this chapter, that I _must_ appropriate the story, which story a western engineer tells of himself.

"One day our train stopped at a new watering-place, being a small station in Indiana, where I observed two green-looking countrymen in 'homespun'

curiously inspecting the locomotive, occasionally giving vent to expressions of astonishment.

"Finally one of them approached and said,--

"'Stranger, are this 'ere a injine?'

"'Certainly. Did you ever see one before?'

"'No, never seen one o' the critters afore. Me an' Bill here comed down t'

the station purpose to see one. Them's the biler--ain't it?'

"'Yes, that is the boiler,' I answered.

"'What you call that place you're in?'

"'This we call a cab.'

"'An' this big wheel, what's this fur?'

"'That's the driving wheel.'

"'That big, black thing on top I s'pose is the chimley.'

"'Precisely.'

"'Be you the engineer what runs the machine?'

"'I am,' I replied, with the least bit of self-complacency.

"He eyed me closely for a moment; then, turning to his companion, he remarked,--

"'Bill, it don't take much of a man to be a engineer--do it?'"

The reader will perceive the distinction which we make between humbugs, quacks, and charlatans, though one individual may comprehend the whole.

"Quacks comprehend not only those who enact the absurd impositions of ignorant pretenders, but also of _unbecoming acts of professional men themselves_."--_Thomas' Medical Dictionary._

This is the view we propose to take of it in this chapter, in connection with the derivation of the word.

The word _quack_ is derived from the German "_quack salber_," or mercury, which metal was introduced into the _Materia Medica_ by _Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Paracelsus Bombast ab Hohenhein_!

"So extensively was quicksilver used by Paracelsus and his followers that they received the stigma of 'quacks.'"--See _Parr's Medical Dictionary_.

There is some controversy respecting the date of birth of Paracelsus, but probably it was in the year 1493. He was born in Switzerland.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN.]

Professor Waterhouse (1835) says, "He was learned in Greek, Latin, and several other languages. That he introduced quicksilver," etc., "and was a vain, arrogant profligate, and died a confirmed sot."

"Paracelsus was a man of most dissolute habits and unprincipled character, and his works are filled with the highest flights of unintelligible bombastic jargon, unworthy of perusal, but such as might be expected from one who united in his person the qualities of a fanatic and a drunkard."--_R. D. T._

Mercury was known to the early Greek and Roman physicians, who regarded it as a dangerous poison. They, however, used it externally in curing the _itch_, and John de Vigo employed it to cure the plague. Paracelsus used it internally first for _lues venerea_, which appeared in Naples the year of his birth, though doubtless that disease reached far back, even into the camp of Israel. The heroic doses of Paracelsus either destroyed the disease at once, _or the patient_. Paracelsus proclaimed to the world that there was no further need of the _Materia Medica_, especially the writings of Galen, and burned them in public; his "Elixir Vitae" would cure all diseases. But in spite of his wonderful knowledge and his life-saving elixir, he died of the diseases he professed to cure, at the early age of forty-eight, while Galen lived to the age of seventy.

So much for the "father of quacks."

For nearly four centuries mercury has been exhibited in the _Materia Medica_ to a greater extent than any other remedy. Doubtless it possesses great medicinal virtues, but its abuse--the "heroic doses" used by the ignorant and brainless quacks, both graduates of some medical college, and _soi-disant_ physicians--has made its name a terror to the people and a reproach to the profession. To a.s.sail it is to tread on dangerous ground; to invade the "rights" of a numerous host of wors.h.i.+ppers; to uncover an ulcer, whose rottenness, though smelling to heaven, is protracted for the pecuniary advantage of the prescriber.

Eminent physicians in every age since its introduction, and in every enlightened country, have protested against its abuse; yea, even its use!

They have called its users "_quacks_," the most contemptible epithet ever introduced into medical nomenclature,--the "_Samson_" of the profession, because through the instrumentality of an a.s.s and his adherents, "it has slain its thousands."

I need not quote those distinguished pract.i.tioners who have recorded their testimony against its general and indiscriminate use. Their name is legion, and every well-informed physician is aware of the fact.

Do not "well-informed physicians" prescribe calomel?

Certainly; but cautiously, and often under protest.

It is recorded of Sir Astley Cooper that he made serious objections to its free use in the wards of the Borough Hospitals, and forthwith the "smaller fry" made such a breeze about his ears that he seemed called upon to defend, and even palliate, his offence. Dr. Macilwain says that Sir Astley is reported to have said in reply to those who demurred,--

"Why, gentlemen, was it likely that I should say anything unkind towards those gentlemen? Is not Mr. Green (surgeon of St. Thomas) my G.o.dson, Mr.

Tusell my nephew, Mr. Travers my apprentice (surgeon of St. Thomas), Mr.

Key and Mr. Cooper (surgeons of Guy's Hospital) my nephews?"

This was very _nave_, and as good ill.u.s.tration of the value of evidence in relation to one thing (his provision for his relatives) which is stated in relation to another.

Herein Sir Astley exposed a weakness with which the democratic opponents of President Grant have accused him, viz., of furnis.h.i.+ng comfortable positions for his relatives.

Sir John Forbes, when at the head of the medical profession of England in 1846, wrote an earnest appeal to his brethren to rescue their art from the ruin into which it was falling, saying in relation to modes of curing diseases, "Things have become so bad that they must mend or end." This was "dangerous ground," and some physicians of the day feared Dr. Forbes had done an immense mischief. After his death, be it remembered, some of the "medical magnates" of this country virtuously refused to subscribe to his monument fund, saying, "it was a misfortune to mankind (?) that he had ever lived."

Dr. W. A. Hammond, surgeon general of the United States, also blundered when, by an order dated at _Was.h.i.+ngton, May 4, 1863_, he struck calomel from the supply table of the army. This proscription was on the ground that "it has so frequently been pushed to excess by military surgeons, as to call for prompt steps to correct its abuse.... _This is done with the more confidence, as modern pathology has proved the impropriety of the use of mercury in very many of those diseases in which it was formerly unfailingly administered._"

_The American Medical Times_ (regular) said, "The order appeared not only expedient, but judicious and necessary, under the circ.u.mstances." _What_ circ.u.mstances? Read on further, and the _Times_ editor explains: "No evil can result to the sick soldier from the absence of calomel, however much he may need mercurialization, when such preparations as blue pill, b.i.+.c.hloride and iodide of mercury, etc., remain. But, in prescribing these latter remedies, the pract.i.tioner generally has a very definite idea of the object he wishes to attain, which is not always the case in the use of calomel."

By this timely order it was estimated that ten thousand soldiers were released from a morning dose of calomel!

Was this a blow aimed at "quackery"? Was Dr. Hammond, "a member of the medical profession highly esteemed for scientific attainments," attempting a reform in medicine? Any way, Dr. Hammond shared the fate of all medical reformers. He was suspended. He was disgraced.

The American Medical a.s.sociation met at Chicago, and set up a strong opposition to the "order." Certain persons brought charges against the surgeon general. A commission was appointed. The _Times_ said, "The whole affair has the appearance of a secret and deliberate conspiracy against the surgeon general.... The commission is, in the first place, headed by a person known to be hostile to the surgeon general. This fact throws suspicion upon the _object_ of the investigation." Just so. The "object"

was to appoint some one instead of Dr. Hammond, who would repeal the obnoxious order. No matter what _pretence_ was set up beside, this is the fact of the case, and the people and the profession know this to be true.

But how shall we judge of the motives of Dr. Hammond but by _appearances_?

Who so well knew the value, or injury, of calomel, as he who had used it for twenty odd years? Admitting Professor Chapman, of Philadelphia, was within twenty years of right when he said, "He who resigns the fate of his patient to calomel, ... if he has a tolerable practice, will, in a single season, lay the foundation of a good business for life," did not Dr. H.