The Funny Side of Physic Part 53

An old woman answered the shake of the dilapidated knocker.

"Does Captain Blank live here?"

"Yes, sir,"--trying to penetrate the darkness.

"Is he at home?"

"Yes, sir. Please, may I make so bold as to ask, are you the doctor?"

"Yes."

"O, then please to walk in, sir."

In the ill-furnished, narrow room sat an old man, in a very shabby and variegated _deshabille_, who rose from his chair, and, with a grace worthy of a count, welcomed the stranger. His manner was extremely gentlemanly, his language well chosen, and the statement of his complaint particularly clear and concise.

The surgeon, who like most of us see strange things, was puzzled to make out his new patient, but concluded that he was one of the many who, having been born to better things, had become reduced by misfortune to these apparently very narrow circ.u.mstances.

Accordingly, having prescribed, the surgeon was about taking his leave, when the gentleman said,--

"Sir, I thank you very much for your attention," at the same time offering his hand with a fee.

The benevolent surgeon declined the fee, simply saying,--

"No, I thank you, sir. I hope you will soon be better. Good morning."

"Stay, sir!" exclaimed the old gentleman. "I shall insist on this, if you please," in a tone which at once convinced the surgeon that it would be more painful to refuse than accept the fee; he accordingly took it.

"I am very much obliged to you, sir," the old gentleman then said; "for had you not taken your fee I could not have again had the advantage of your advice. I sent for you because I had understood that you were a pupil of Dr. Abernethy's, for whom I could not again send, _because he would not take his fee_, and I was so hurt that I am afraid I was rude to the good man. I suppose he, judging from the appearances of things here, thought I could not afford it, hence refused the fee, on which I begged him not to be deceived by appearances, but take the fee. However, he kept retreating and declining, till, forgetting myself a little, and feeling vexed, I said, 'By G----, sir, I insist on your taking it,' when he replied as fiercely, 'By G----, sir, I will not,' and hastily left the room, closing the door after him."

This gentleman lived to the age of ninety. He was really in very good circ.u.mstances, but lived in this humble manner to enable him to a.s.sist very efficiently some poor relatives. The surgeon, after a while, changed his professional visits to friendly ones, and continued them up to the old man's death. When, however, the gentleman died, about four hundred guineas were found in his boxes.

Sometimes Dr. Abernethy would meet with a patient who would afford a useful lesson. A lady, wife of a distinguished musician, consulted him, and, finding him uncourteous, said,--

"Sir, I had heard of your rudeness before I came, but I did not expect this."

When Dr. Abernethy gave her the prescription, she asked,--

"What am I to do with this, sir?"

"Anything you like. Put it into the fire if you choose."

The lady laid the fee on the table, went to the grate, threw the prescription on to the fire, and hastily left the room.

The doctor followed her to the hall, earnestly pressing her to take back the fee, or permit him to write her another prescription; but the lady would not yield her vantage-ground, and so withdrew.

The foregoing is well authenticated. Mr. Stowe, the informant, knows the lady well.

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A WOMAN'S REBUKE.]

THE OLD FOX-HUNTER.

Sometimes, again, the ill usage was all on one side.

We know a hard-drinking old fox-hunter who abused Dr. Abernethy roundly; but all that he could say against him was this:--

"Why, sir,--will you believe me?--almost the first words he said, as he entered my room, was, 'I perceive you drink a good deal.'

"Now," continued the patient, very _navely_, "supposing I did, what the devil was that to him?"

Another gentleman, who had a most unfortunate appearance on his nose, exactly like that which accompanies dram-drinking, used to be exceedingly irate against Dr. A. because, when he told the doctor that his stomach was out of order, Abernethy would reply,--

"Ay, I see that by your nose."

THE DUKE, OR THE POOR GENTLEMAN.

One day, just as Dr. Abernethy was stepping into his carriage to make a professional visit to the Duke of W., to whom he had been called in a hurry, a gentleman stopped him to say that the ----, at Somers Town (mentioning a poor gentleman whom he had visited without fee), would be glad to have him visit him again at his leisure.

"Why, I cannot go now," Dr. Abernethy replied, "for I am going in haste to see the Duke of W." Then, pausing a moment before stepping into his carriage, he looked up to the coachman, and quietly said, "To Somers Town."

The fidgety irritability of his first impression at interference, and the beneficence of his second thought, were very characteristic of Dr.

Abernethy.

A pupil, who wished to consult him one day, took the very inauspicious moment when the doctor (and professor) was looking over his papers, but a few moments before lecture, in the museum.

"I am fearful, sir, that I have a polypus in my nose, and want you to look at it," said the student.

The doctor made no reply; but when he had completed the sorting of his preparations, he said, looking up,--

"Eh?"

To which the pupil repeated his request.

[Ill.u.s.tration: AFRAID OF A POLYPUS.]

"Then stand on your head; don't you see that all the light here comes from the skylight? How am I to look into your nose?"

(This was true, for there were no side-lights in the amphitheatre.)

"Where do you live?" continued the doctor.

"Bartholomew Close, sir."

"At what time do you get up?"