The Funny Side of Physic Part 68

The different opinions on doses of medicine is more absurd. We have already mentioned cases wherein certain physicians administered calomel in scruple, and even drachm doses. Before us is a work wherein it is seriously a.s.serted that a medicinal action was obtained from the two hundredth trituration,--a dose so small, in comparison with the scruple doses, as to be counted only by the _millionths_.

How many of us have had to wake up mornings, and swallow a table-spoonful of sulphur and mola.s.ses, with mingled feelings of disgust at the sulphur, and exquisite delight from the mola.s.ses, as we retired, lapping our mouths, to get the last taste! Now, L. B. Wells, M. D., of New York, informs us that he has cured an eruption of the skin by the use of the four thousandth dilution of sulphur,--so comparatively small that I cannot express it by figures. Well, these extremes have their uses, and we may look for relief in the mediate ground. The smaller we can get the dose, and still be reliable, the better we shall suit the people,--though we shall seriously offend the apothecaries.

Dr. Francis, in his book, "Surgeons of New York," tells the following, which ill.u.s.trates how a desperate remedy may apply to a desperate disease.

The cases in reference were "peritonitis." Dr. Smith (our "plough-boy") had charge of the lying-in wards, under Professor Clark.

"Dr. Smith, have you ever attended a common school?" asked Professor Clark.

"Yes, sir."

"Did you ever hear a teacher say, 'I will whip you within an inch of your life?'" pursued Dr. Clark.

"Yes, sir; I have."

"Well, that is the way I wish you to give opium to these patients,--'to within an inch of their lives.'"

Dr. Smith determined to follow implicitly his instructions, and gave to one as high as twelve grains of opium an hour.

"At this extreme point the remedy was maintained for several days.

"The patient recovered, and remained in the hospital, attached to kitchen service, for several months."

Certainly, the poor Irish, even, have their uses in New York city.

MINERAL SPRINGS.

The writer, having spent much time at the various mineral springs throughout the United States, and partaken of the water of some for weeks in succession, is competent to give an opinion as to their merits.

Collectively, they are commendable, especially those located in country places, away from scenes of dissipation and profligacy.

The only reliable way to expect benefit from spring waters is to select one by the advice of your physician, and go direct to the spring.

Much of the bottled waters sold are "doctored," either by the retailer, the wholesaler, or often at the springs from where they are exported. Who is to know whether Vichy, Kissengen, Saratoga, or even Vermont mineral water, as sold by the package, ever saw the respective springs from which they are named? The various mineral waters are easily made, by adding to carbonized water such peculiar minerals, or salts, as a.n.a.lysis has shown exists in the natural springs. I knew a man who affirmed that he ruined a suit of clothes, while employed at a certain spring, by the acids with which he "doctored" the water, before it was s.h.i.+pped. Sulphuret of pota.s.sium covers the properties of many springs; iron others.

It has been intimated that the waters of a celebrated spring which I visited is indebted for its peculiar flavor to an old tannery, which, within the memory of that mythical being, "the oldest inhabitant,"

occupied the site where this favorite spring "gushes forth." Having no desire to be tanned inside,--after my boyhood's experience in that delightful external process,--I respectfully declined drinking from this spring.

By the immense quant.i.ties of "spring water" gulped down hourly and daily by visitors, one is led to suppose the cure lies in a thorough was.h.i.+ng out. There is an excellent spring near Nashville, Tenn., from which I drank for a week; also another at Sheldon, Vt. There are three different springs at this latter place, but I prefer the "Sheldon" to either of the other two. I discovered a good spring at Newport, Vt., and there are others in that vicinity.

COLD DRINKS VS. WARM DRINKS.

"Drink freely of cold water," says an author of no small repute, to persons of a weak stomach, viz., dyspeptics.

When I was an apprentice, my master (Sir Charles Blicke) used to say, "O, sir, you are faint: pray drink this water." "And what do you think was the effect of putting cold water into a man's stomach, under these circ.u.mstances?" asks the great Dr. Abernethy. "Why, of course, that it was often rejected in his face." Never put cold water, or cold victuals, into a weak stomach.

The above surgeon is responsible for the following advice.

An Irishman called in great haste upon the doctor, saying,--

"O, dochter--be jabers, me b'y Tim has swallowed a mouse."

"Then, Paddy, be jabers, let your boy Tim swallow a cat."

THE OLD LADY AND THE PUMP.

One can readily conceive the utility of a warm bath--even a cold water bath, if the bather is robust--or a steam bath, a vapor, or a sun bath; but the advantage of the absurdity which the nineteenth century has introduced from antiquity, viz., the dry cupping, or pumping treatment, is not so self-evident.

An old lady, suffering from "rheumatism, and a humor of the blood," was persuaded to visit a "pump-doctor's" rooms.

"What's that hollow thing for?" she nervously inquired.

"That is a limb-receiver," replied the polite operator. "If the disease is in the limb, we enclose it within this; the rubber excludes the air, and to this faucet we affix the pump, and remove the air from the limb."

"Yes, yes; but I thought air was necessary to health; besides, I don't see how that is going to cure the limb. Does it add anything to, or take anything from the limb?" she inquired.

"Well--no--yes; that is, it draws the disease out from that part."

"Yes, yes; but suppose the disease is all over the person, as mine is."

"Then we place them in this," putting his hand upon an article which she had not before discovered.

"That? Why, that looks like the case to a Dutchman's pipe, only a sight times larger. And do tell if you shet folks up in that box," cautiously approaching and examining it.

The operator a.s.sured her such was the case.

"Is the disease left in the box when you are done pumping? Does it really suck all the disease into the thing by the process?" she inquired.

"Well, madam, you put your questions in a remarkable manner. But it displaces the air around the person, and the vital principle within forces out the disease. It is certain to benefit all diseases," he replied.

"Well, I don't see how it can, if it can't be seen. Does it act as physic, emetic, a bath, or do the sores follow right out of the blood into the box?"

"Neither, madam." The operator was very patient. "Just try the limb-receiver first; then you can tell better about the whole treatment."

After much persuasion, and by the a.s.sistance of the female operator, the old lady was seated, and the limb-receiver adjusted. Now the man in the next room began to pump. The old lady was very nervous, and felt for her snuff-box, and while so doing the man was still pumping. Having taken the snuff, her mind again referred to the limb in the box, and the pressure (suction) having naturally increased, her nervousness overcame her, and with a scream and a bound she left the chair and rushed for the door, dragging the receiver, which clung tight to the one limb, rather outweighing the boot and hose of the other, drawing the gutta-percha pipe after her, which only added to her fright, and with another scream for "help," and "O, will n.o.body save me?--O, murder, murder!" she, like a bound lion, went the length of her chain, and tumbled over in a heap on the floor. The woman rushed from behind the screen, the man from the pump-room, and rescued the old lady, who fled to her carriage in waiting; and doubtless to her dying day she will continue to tell of how narrowly she escaped "being sucked entirely through that gutta-percha pipe--only for her having on a bustle."

COUNTRY MISTAKES.

A Canadian, of a nervous, consumptive diathesis, went down to Portland, Maine, to consult a physician, and fell in with old Dr. F., whom he found busily engaged in examining some papers. The old doctor heard his case, and hurriedly wrote him a prescription. The chirography of the doctor was none of the best, yet the Portland druggists, who were familiar with his scrawls, could easily decipher his prescriptions. Not so the country apothecary, to whom the patient took the recipe, to save expense, which was something as follows: "Spiritus frumenti et valerianum," etc.; then followed the directions for taking.

After much delay and consultation with the green-grocer boy, it was put up as a painter's article, viz., "spirits turpentine and varnish."

The first gla.s.s-full satisfied the invalid.

DRUNK, OR SOBER.