The Funny Side of Physic Part 73

Dr. Filley practised in the country. He was a bachelor, above forty. He was a short, thick-set man, with a fair practice, which might have been better, but for certain whispers about a growing propensity to--drinking!

That's the word. Of course he denied the insinuation, and defied any one to prove that he was ever the worse for liquor. The doctor was attendant, professionally, upon the widow, and--well you know how the gossips manage that sort of a thing in the country. But who was to know whether "the doctor made more visits per week to the widow Wealthy than her state of health seemed to warrant"? or who knew that "the widow was 'sweet' towards the little doctor, and that she intended he should throw the bill all in at the end of the year--himself to boot?" Never mind his rivals; they do not come into our amusing story.

John, the widow's hired man, was sent very unexpectedly, one day in autumn, for the doctor to call that afternoon, to see the invalid. Very unexpectedly to the widow, and greatly to her mortification, two gossiping neighbors called at her residence just as the doctor was expected to arrive. "O, she was so glad to see Mrs. ---- and Mrs. ----!"

Dr. Filley rode a scraggy little Canadian horse,--a fiery, headstrong beast, but a good saddle horse. Somehow, the unexpected call, at that hour, slightly "fl.u.s.tered" the little doctor; but he threw his saddle-bags over his shoulder, mounted the beast, and turned his head towards the widow's residence.

"I b'lieve I am a little nervous over this colt; I wonder what's the matter!" And he tried to rein up the headstrong little beast, to give himself time to--sober off!

"I reary bl'eve I'm a little--taken by surprise--ho, Charley! Why, what's got inter--pony? Goes like 'r devil. Ho, ho, boy."

Pretty soon the beast struck into a gallop; and now he reached the lane that led into Mrs. Wealthy's farm. The pony knew the lane as well as his master, and the barn better. The said lane led by the barn-yard and out-buildings, the house being beyond. The barn-yard bars were down, and the pony made for the opening, in a clean gallop, over the fallen bars, right in amongst the cattle, the sheep, and the swine. A big ox gave a bellow at the sudden arrival, and, with tail and head in air, ran to the opposite side of the yard, intruding upon the comfort of a big old sow, that was dozing in the mud. With a loud snort, the discomfited porker rushed from the mire just in time to meet the horse, and in attempting to pa.s.s on both sides at once, she went between the short fore legs of the pony, and brought up with a loud squeal, and a shock that sent the rider over the horse's head, down astride the hog. The pony reared, wheeled, and ran out of the yard at one pair of bars, and the sow went pell-mell out of the other, bearing the doctor and saddle-bags swiftly along towards the house.

The hired man witnessed the sudden change of steeds, and gave the alarm.

The widow--not so very sick--was just graciously showing her two unwelcome lady callers out, after being worried nearly an hour by their company; and taking an anxious look towards the lane, she saw the doctor coming on a clean--no, dirty--gallop, on her old sow.

She lost no time in giving a loud scream. What else should she do?

"O, goodness gracious! What is that?"

"O Lord, save and defend us! What is it?" exclaimed the two ladies, in chorus.

"A man on a hog!"

"The doctor on a sow!" again in chorus.

Now the pony and the swine met, the doctor still clinging to the sow's ear with one hand, and to the tail with the other; of course, having turned a clean summersault from the pony, facing towards the sow's hind quarters.

The swine, beset on all sides, sheered off, and made directly through a large duck-pond in the field, scattering the geese and ducks every way, which, crying out, "Quack, quack!" made off as fast as feet and wings could carry them. Half way across the pond the doctor lost his balance, and, with his saddle-bags, fell splas.h.i.+ng into the water.

Another scream from the ladies,--only two of them.

The widow, like a sensible woman, when she saw the doctor's danger, ran for the well-pole. "Here, John, here! Take this well-hook, and fish him out quick, before he drowns."

John obeyed, and in an instant the doctor was safely landed.

The doctor was sobered.

The widow, seeing no further danger, like a true woman, fainted.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DOCTOR ON A SOW.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR.]

Leaving the muddy and half-drowned doctor, who looked like a well-wet-down bantam c.o.c.k, John turned to his mistress, whom he picked up from the gra.s.s, and carried into the house. The two ladies, who had witnessed her discomfiture, a.s.sisted in loosening the stays, and administering some salts, which revived the widow.

"O, did you ever see such a comical sight?"

"Never. O, wasn't it horrid? The little doctor riding backward, on a horrid, dirty, old pig! O, if I ever!"

And the ladies laughed in unison, in which the widow actually joined.

"But what has become of the poor, wet fellow? And did John rescue the saddle-bags?" inquired the widow.

John, meantime, had returned to the doctor's a.s.sistance. He now fished out the saddle-bags, and the unfortunate doctor started on foot for home, whither the pony had long since fled.

The story, in the mouth of one servant and three ladies, was anything but a secret, and--you know how it is in the country.

The widow still holds the farm in her own name, in a town in New England.

Dr. Filley practises physic in California.

A SCIENTIFIC GOURMAND.

Our familiar friend, "A Book about Doctors," which we have before introduced to your notice as the only amusing work in the English language, upon the subject, gives a long list of _bon vivants_ of the old school, amongst whom are some eminent names in the medical profession. In fact, the abstemious doctors during the past centuries would seem to have been far in the minority. Even Harvey was accused of being fond of brandy.

"Dr. George Fordyce was fond of substantial fare, like Radcliffe, who was a _gormand_. For above twenty years Fordyce dined at Dolly's chop-house.

The dinner he there consumed was his only meal during the four and twenty hours.

"Four o'clock was his dinner hour. Before him was set a silver tankard of strongest ale, a bottle of port wine, and a quarter pint of brandy.

"The dinner was preluded by a dish of broiled fowl, or a few whitings.

Having leisurely devoured this plate, the doctor took a gla.s.s of brandy, and ordered his steak, which was always a prime one, _weighing one and a half pounds_. Of course, vegetables, etc., accompanied the steak.

"When the man of science had devoured the whole of this, the bulk of which would have kept a boa constrictor happy a twelvemonth, he took the rest of his brandy, drank off the tankard of ale, and topped off by sipping down his bottle of port wine.

"Having thus brought his intellects, up or down, to the standard of his pupils, he rose, and walked down to Ess.e.x Street, and delivered his six o'clock lecture on chemistry." (He lived to the age of sixty-six.)

Another glutton, in contrast with whom Fordyce was an abstinent, was Dr.

Beauford. In 1745 he was summoned to appear before the privy council, to answer some questions relative to Lord B., with whom the doctor was intimate.

"Do you know Lord Barrymore?" asked one of the lords.

"Intimately, _most_ intimately," replied the doctor.

"You were often with him?"

"We dine together almost daily when his lords.h.i.+p is in town," answered the doctor, with expressions of delight.

"What do you talk about?"

"Eating and drinking."

"Eating and drinking! What else?" asked his lords.h.i.+p.

"O, my lord, we never talk about anything but eating and drinking,--except--"

"Except what, sir?"