The Funny Side of Physic Part 9

BUTYRIC ETHER is usually taken for a basis. Butyric ether is manufactured from rancid b.u.t.ter, old rotten cheese, or Limburger cheese. The latter is the "loudest," and affords the best flavor to the ether. The cheese is treated with sulphuric acid. Old leather is known to give it a particularly fine flavor. Any old boots and shoes will answer.

PINEAPPLE SYRUP is made from butyric and formic ether. The latter is manufactured from soap or glycerine. Sulphuric acid and red ants will do as well.

STRAWBERRY is made of twelve parts of butyric ether and one of acetic ether, alcohol, and water. Color with cochineal--a bug of the tick species, from Mexico. Sometimes a little real strawberry is added, but it is not deemed essential.

RASPBERRY is made from the same articles. If convenient, the druggist adds a little raspberry jam or syrup. If not, color a little deeper, add some strawberry, and change the label to raspberry.

VANILLA SYRUP is made of Tonqua beans, such as boys sell on the street.

PEACH is made from bitter almonds. WILD CHERRY the same.

NECTAR is formed by a compound of various syrups and Madeira wine. You can easily make the Madeira of neutral spirits, sugar, raisins, and logwood to color it.

SARSAPARILLA. Take the cheapest and nastiest mola.s.ses obtainable. Strain it to remove dead bees, sticks, c.o.c.kroaches, etc. Flavor with essence sa.s.safras and wintergreen. Little extract sarsaparilla will do no harm if added to the mixture. It is very harmless.

LEMON is made of citric acid and sugar.

COFFEE is made mostly of chiccory, burnt livers, sometimes a little coffee bean. Horses' livers are said to be the best, giving it a _racy_ flavor, and more _body_.

"They are all very good," the vender tells you; he takes his plain, however. You see how much cheaper these are than the _real_ fruit syrup itself; and as neither you nor I can tell the difference by _taste_, what inducement has the dealer in soda water to use the costlier articles?

I have a friend who sells the "pure syrups," and I presume the reader has also; but I respectfully decline drinking soda water with "pure fruit syrups."

POISONOUS HAIR TONICS AND COSMETICS.

Extract from the report of Professor C. F. Chandler, Ph. D., chemist to the Metropolitan Board of Health. This report, which presents the results of the examination of a few of the articles in general use, was printed in full in the Chemical News (American reprint) for May, 1870. We present the following list of dangerous preparations, which gives the number of grains of lead, etc., in one fluid ounce.

I. HAIR TONICS, WASHES, AND RESTORATIVES.

Grains of lead in one fluid ounce.

1. Clark's Distilled Restorative for the Hair, 0.11 2. Chevalier's Life for the Hair, 1.02 3. Circa.s.sian Hair Rejuvenator, 2.71 4. Ayer's Hair Vigor, 2.89 5. Professor Wood's Hair Restorative, 3.08 6. Dr. J. J. O'Brien's Hair Restorer, America, 3.28 7. Gray's Celebrated Hair Restorative, 3.39 8. Phalon's Vitalia, 4.69 9. Ring's Vegetable Ambrosia, 5.00 10. Mrs. S. A. Allen's World's Hair Restorer, 5.57 11. L. Knittel's Indian Hair Tonique, 6.29 12. Hall's Vegetable Sicilian Hair Renewer, 7.13 13. Dr. Tebbet's Physiological Hair Regenerator, 7.44 14. Martha Was.h.i.+ngton Hair Restorative, 9.80 15. Singer's Hair Restorative, 16.39

II. LOTIONS OR WASHES FOR THE COMPLEXION.

_Perry's Moth and Freckle Lotion._

Mercury in solution, 2.67 gr. }equiv.{ Corrosive Sub., 3.61 gr.

Zinc in solution, 0.99 " } to { Sulphate of Zinc, 4.25 "

The sediment contains mercury, lead, and bis.m.u.th.

III. ENAMELS FOR THE SKIN.

Grains of lead in one fluid ounce, after shaking.

Eugenie's Favorite, 108.94 grains.

Phalon's Snow-white Enamel, 146.28 "

Phalon's Snow-white Oriental Cream, 190.99 "

CONCLUSION.--It appears from the foregoing,--

1. The HAIR TONICS, WASHES, and RESTORATIVES contain lead in considerable quant.i.ties; that they owe their action to this metal, and that they are consequently highly dangerous to the health of persons using them.

2. With a single exception, Perry's Moth and Freckle Lotion, the LOTIONS for the skin are free from lead and other injurious metals.

3. That the ENAMELS are composed of either carbonate of lime, oxide of zinc, or carbonate of lead, suspended in water. The first two cla.s.ses of enamels are comparatively harmless; as harmless as any other white dirt, when plastered over the skin to close the pores and prevent its healthy action. On the other hand, the enamels composed of carbonate of lead are highly dangerous, and their use is very certain to produce disastrous results to those who patronize them.

HAIR RESTORATIVES: A BALD BACHELOR'S EXPERIENCE.

A gentleman of perhaps thirty-five years of age once called upon the writer for advice relative to baldness, when he related the following experience, permitting me to make a note of it at leisure.

"In 1865 my friends intimated to me that my hair was getting slightly thin on the crown of my head. I have always had a mortal terror of being bald, and daily examinations convinced me that my fears were about to be realized. My first inquiry was for a remedy.

"'What shall I do to prevent its falling out?' I nervously inquired.

"'Get a bottle of Dr. ----'s Hair Restorative,' one advised; another, some different preparation,--all advertised remedies,--till I had a list a yard long of various washes, preventives, restorers, etc., _ad infinitum_.

"I obtained one of _the very best_. I used it as directed. It _stuck_ as though its virtue consisted in sticking the loose hairs firmly to the firmer-rooted ones. But alas! after a month's trial, sufficient hair had come out of my head to make a respectable _chignon_!

"I next got some of Mrs. A. S. S. Allon's--or All--something; I forget the rest of the name; I'm sure of the A. S. S., however,--and that was worse than the _gum-stick-'em_ kind, for the hair came out faster than before.

"In despair, I applied to a 'respectable apothecary,' who keeps the next corner drug store. 'For G.o.d's sake, Mr. Bilious, have you got any good preventive for falling of the hair?' I exclaimed.

"'O, yes, just the article,' he replied, rubbing his palms vigorously. He then showed me his stock, consisting of _thirty-nine different kinds_!

"'All very good--highly recommended,' he remarked, with commendable impartiality.

"I selected one--with rather an ominous name, I admit:--_Kat-hair-on_!--preferring cat's hair to none.

"I used the Kathairon according to directions."

"'Did the cat's hair grow?' I anxiously inquired.

"'Neither cat's hair nor human hair.' No. Worse and worse. I was about to abandon all effort, when, stopping on a corner to get a young boot-black to s.h.i.+ne my boots, preparatory to making a call on a lady acquaintance, before whom I was desirous of making a genteel appearance, a dirty, ragged little urchin peered around the block, and exclaimed, 'O, mister, you're barefooted on top o' yer head!' I had inadvertently removed my hat, to wipe my forehead.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD."]

"This was the last feather. Though coming from but a dirty boot-black, it stung me to the marrow. I kicked over the boy, box, blacking, and all, and rushed into the nearest drug shop. I bought another new hair preparation.

Another ominous name--'_Bare-it_!'

"This I also used, as directed on the label, for a month. 'I think,' I said, 'if I use it a second month, it will entirely _bare it_!'

"I bought a wig, and had my head shaved. I didn't lock myself up in a coal-cellar, or hide under a tub, like Diogenes, but I felt that I would have gladly done either, to hide myself from the eyes of the world. The girls all cast shy glances at me as they pa.s.sed; as though the majority of _them_ did not wear false hair!

"In utter desperation, I visited a dermatologist. What a name to make hair grow! Well, he examined my scalp with a microscope, and said the hair could be made to grow anew. 'I discover myriads of germs, which only require the right treatment in order to spring up in an exuberant crop of wavy tresses.' I bought his preparations. Bill, thirty-eight dollars. They were worthless.

"Soon after this failure, I heard of a new remedy--'a sure cure.' The proprietor possessed a world-wide reputation, from the manufacture of various other remedies for nearly all diseases to which we poor mortals are subject, and there might be something in this. It was recommended to cure baldness, and restore gray hair to its natural color. I would go and see the proprietor of this excellent hair restorer. I hastened to Lowell.