The Constant Couple Part 11

_Sir H._ What is your trifling business of importance, pray, sweet sir?

_Clinch. sen._ Pray, sir, are the roads deep between this and Paris?

_Sir H._ Why that question, sir?

_Clinch. sen._ Because I design to go to the jubilee, sir. I understand that you are a traveller, sir; there is an air of travel in the tie of your cravat, sir: there is indeed, sir----I suppose, sir, you bought this lace in Flanders.

_Sir H._ No, sir, this lace was made in Norway.

_Clinch. sen._ Norway, sir?

_Sir H._ Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal boards.

_Clinch. sen._ That's very strange now, 'faith--Lace made of the shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you travellers see very strange things abroad, very incredible things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a cravat of the very same lace before I come home.

_Sir H._ But, sir, what preparations have you made for your journey?

_Clinch. sen._ A case of pocket-pistols for the bravos, and a swimming-girdle.

_Sir H._ Why these, sir?

_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you----Suppose us in Rome now; away goes I to some ball--for I'll be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, I go to some ball, or some bear-baiting--'tis all one, you know--then comes a fine Italian _bona roba_, and plucks me by the sleeve: Signior Angle, Signior Angle--She's a very fine lady, observe that--Signior Angle, says she--Signiora, says I, and trips after her to the corner of a street, suppose it Russel Street, here, or any other street: then, you know, I must invite her to the tavern; I can do no less----There up comes her bravo; the Italian grows saucy, and I give him an English dowse on the face: I can box, sir, box tightly; I was a 'prentice, sir----But then, sir, he whips out his stiletto, and I whips out my bull-dog--slaps him through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of Russel Street again, and whips me into the amba.s.sador's train, and there I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes.

_Sir H._ Is your pistol charged, sir?

_Clinch. sen._ Only a brace of bullets, that's all, sir.

_Sir H._ 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray let me see it.

_Clinch. sen._ With all my heart, sir.

_Sir H._ Harkye, Mr. Jubilee, can you digest a brace of bullets?

_Clinch. sen._ Oh, by no means in the world, sir.

_Sir H._ I'll try the strength of your stomach, however. Sir, you're a dead man. [_Presenting the Pistol to his Breast._

_Clinch. sen._ Consider, dear sir, I am going to the Jubilee: when I come home again, I am a dead man at your service.

_Sir H._ Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are not so choleric for the future.

_Clinch. sen._ Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot seven Italians in a week, sir.

_Sir H._ Sir, you won't have provocation.

_Clinch. sen._ Provocation, sir! Zouns, sir, I'll kill any man for treading upon my corns: and there will be a devilish throng of people there: they say that all the princes of Italy will be there.

_Sir H._ And all the fops and fiddlers in Europe----But the use of your swimming girdle, pray sir?

_Clinch. sen._ Oh lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the s.h.i.+p cast away; now, whilst, other foolish people are busy at their prayers, I whip on my swimming girdle, clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me away, like an egg in a duck's belly. Well, sir, you must pardon me now, I'm going to see my mistress. [_Exit._

_Sir H._ This fellow's an accomplished a.s.s before he goes abroad. Well, this Angelica has got into my heart, and I cannot get her out of my head. I must pay her t'other visit. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

LADY DARLING'S _House_.

_Enter_ ANGELICA, LADY DARLING, CLINCHER JUNIOR, _and_ d.i.c.kY.

_Lady D._ This is my daughter, cousin.

_d.i.c.ky._ Now sir, remember your three sc.r.a.pes.

_Clinch. jun._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] One, two, three, your humble servant. Was not that right, d.i.c.ky?

_d.i.c.ky._ Ay, 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to her?

_Clinch. jun._ I beg your pardon, d.i.c.ky; I know my distance. Would you have me to speak to a lady at the first sight?

_d.i.c.ky._ Ay sir, by all means; the first aim is the surest.

_Clinch. jun._ Now for a good jest, to make her laugh heartily----By Jupiter Ammon, I'll give her a kiss. [_Goes towards her._

_Enter_ WILDAIR, _interposing_.

_Sir H._ 'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before; your pitiful five guineas will never do. You may go; I'll outbid you.

_Clinch. jun._ What the devil! the madman's here again.

_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront a gentleman of his quality in my house?

_Clinch. jun._ Quality!--Why, madam, I don't know what you mean by your madmen, and your beaux, and your quality----they're all alike, I believe.

_Lady D._ Pray, sir, walk with me into the next room.

[_Exit_ LADY DARLING, _leading_ CLINCHER, d.i.c.kY _following_.

_Ang._ Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable than 'twas the last time, I would advise you to make your visit as short as you can.

_Sir H._ The offences of my last visit, madam, bore their punishment in the commission; and have made me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as your ladys.h.i.+p can be till I sue for it.

_Ang._ Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, and must therefore proportion it to the greatness of your apology; if you would, therefore, have me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.

_Sir H._ How sweet must the lips be that guard that tongue! Then, madam, no more of past offences; let us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal my pardon. [_Kisses her Hand._

_Ang._ Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray answer plainly--D'ye love me?