The Constant Couple Part 16

_Clinch. jun._ The devil he does! My brother go to the place where the Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!

_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.

_d.i.c.ky._ Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.

_Clinch. jun._ Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit already.

_Tom._ This lace will sell. What a blockhead was the fellow to trust me with his coat! If I can get cross the garden, down to the water-side, I am pretty secure.

_Clinch. jun._ Brother?--Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you my brother?

_d.i.c.ky._ I seize you in the kings name, sir.

_Tom._ Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament man now!

_Clinch. jun._ Speak, you rogue, what are you?

_Tom._ A poor porter, and going of an errand.

_d.i.c.ky._ What errand? Speak, you rogue.

_Tom._ A fool's errand, I'm afraid.

_Clinch. jun._ Who sent you?

_Tom._ A beau, sir.

_d.i.c.ky._ No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him of his clothes.

_Clinch. jun._ Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini! Oh, my poor Jubilee brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give you half a crown.

_Tom._ Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a carrier's horse once.

_Clinch. jun._ Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you killed him, and we'll let you go.

_Tom._ Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no harm: besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it again.--Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him.

_Clinch. jun._ Here's your money, sir.--But are you sure you killed him dead?

_Tom._ Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.

_d.i.c.ky._ But are you sure that he's dead in law?

_Tom._ Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be dead in law. But he's as dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a hammer.

_d.i.c.ky._ Then you have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on the head is dead in law.

_Clinch. jun._ But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed?

_Tom._ I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary afterwards.

_Clinch. jun._ Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.--Strip, sir, strip. By Jupiter Ammon, strip.

_d.i.c.ky._ Ah! don't swear, sir. [_Puts on his Brother's Clothes._

_Clinch. jun._ Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate, sir? Come, sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.

_Tom._ I hope you'll let me go now, sir.

_Clinch. jun._ Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour to swear positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may enter upon the estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes.--Hey, call me a coach somebody.

_Tom._ Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.

_Clinch. jun._ No, no; d.i.c.ky, carry this spark before a justice, and when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica.

[_Exeunt_ d.i.c.kY _and_ TOM.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court, and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee with the best of them. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

LADY LUREWELL'S _House_.

_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.

_Lure._ Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?

_Parly._ Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladys.h.i.+p's footmen gave it to him in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he would be punctual to a minute.

_Lady L._ Thus most villains some time or other are punctual to their ruin; Are all things prepared for his reception?

_Parly._ Exactly to your ladys.h.i.+p's order: the alderman too is just come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.

_Lady L._ Then he has got woman's clothes on?

_Parly._ Yes, madam, and has pa.s.sed upon the family for your nurse.

_Lady L._ Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell him, I'll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.

[_As_ PARLY _goes to put out the Candles, somebody knocks.--Music plays without._

_Lady L._ This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.

_Parly._ Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.

_Sir H._ [_Without._] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs. Parly.

Play, gentlemen. [_Music plays again._

_Enter_ SIR HARRY.