The Constant Couple Part 4

_Lady L._ Those that bear away the prize in arms, should boast the same success in love; and, I think, considering the weakness of our s.e.x, we should make those our companions who can be our champions.

_Colonel S._ I once, madam, hoped the honour of defending you from all injuries, through a t.i.tle to your lovely person; but now my love must attend my fortune. My commission, madam, was my pa.s.sport to the fair; adding a n.o.bleness to my pa.s.sion, it stamped a value on my love; 'twas once the life of honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must my love be buried.

_Parly._ What? disbanded, Colonel?

_Colonel S._ Yes, Mrs. Parly.

_Parly._ Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of poverty already.

[_Aside._

_Lady L._ His misfortune troubles me, because it may prevent my designs.

[_Aside._

_Colonel S._ I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy my pa.s.sion by absence abroad, than have it starved at home.

_Lady L._ I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion of my affection, as to imagine it founded upon your fortune. And, to convince you of your mistake, here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same affection now as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is considerable.

_Colonel S._ No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge to her I love!

The man, that sells himself for gold, is the worst of prost.i.tutes.

_Lady L._ Now, were he any other creature but a man, I could love him.

[_Aside._

_Colonel S._ This only last request I make, that no t.i.tle recommend a fool, no office introduce a knave, nor red coat a coward, to my place in your affections; so farewell my country, and adieu my love. [_Exit._

_Lady L._ Now the devil take thee for being so honourable: here, Parly, call him back, I shall lose half my diversion else. Now for a trial of skill.

_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.

Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do you take your journey?

_Colonel S._ To-morrow morning, early, madam.

_Lady L._ So suddenly! which way are you designed to travel?

_Colonel S._ That I can't yet resolve on.

_Lady L._ Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat you; why are you so obstinate?

_Colonel S._ Why are you so curious, madam?

_Lady L._ Because----

_Colonel S._ What?

_Lady L._ Because, I, I----

_Colonel S._ Because, what, madam?--Pray tell me.

_Lady L._ Because I design to follow you. [_Crying._

_Colonel S._ Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er was proud before.

Follow me! By Heavens thou shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards of a camp!--Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt of fools, and worst of fortune.

_Lady L._ You need not, shall not; my estate for both is sufficient.

_Colonel S._ Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and purchase one myself; I'll cringe to the proud man I undermine; I'll tip my tongue with flattery, and smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer, office-broker, nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice it all to thee, my generous fair.

_Lady L._ And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any thing, but I'll reward thy love, and recompense thy n.o.ble pa.s.sion.

_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! Rather kiss her hand than the Pope's toe; ha! ha! ha!

_Lady L._ What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir Harry?

_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair, madam.

_Lady L._ What! is he come over?

_Colonel S._ Ay, and he told me--but I don't believe a syllable on't----

_Lady L._ What did he tell you?

_Colonel S._ Only called you his mistress; and pretending to be extravagant in your commendation, would vainly insinuate the praise of his own judgment and good fortune in a choice.

_Lady L._ How easily is the vanity of fops tickled by our s.e.x!

_Colonel S._ Why, your s.e.x is the vanity of fops.

_Lady L._ On my conscience, I believe so. This gentleman, because he danced well, I pitched on for a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever since he has so persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading, flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly the kingdom.

----And I warrant you he made you jealous?

_Colonel S._ 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.

_Lady L._ You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll send him back all his foolish letters, songs, and verses, and you yourself shall carry them: 'twill afford you opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his further impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion. I'll run and fetch them instantly. [_Exit._

_Colonel S._ Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall I bait him, like Actaeon, with his own dogs.----Well, Mrs. Parly, it is ordered by act of parliament, that you receive no more pieces, Mrs. Parly.

_Parly._ 'Tis provided by the same act, that you send no more messages by me, good Colonel; you must not presume to send any more letters, unless you can pay the postage.

_Colonel S._ Come, come, don't be mercenary; take example by your lady, be honourable.

_Parly._ A-lack-a-day, sir, it shows as ridiculous and haughty for us to imitate our betters in their honour, as in their finery; leave honour to n.o.bility that can support it: we poor folks, Colonel, have no pretence to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should be cas.h.i.+ered with your leading-staff.

_Colonel S._ 'Tis one of the greatest curses of poverty to be the jest of chambermaids!

_Enter_ LUREWELL.

_Lady L._ Here's the packet, Colonel; the whole magazine of love's artillery. [_Gives him the Packet._