Darwin's Children Part 19

"If we do nothing, more will die. This thing is going through the new children like a crown fire. It's spreading by breath and touch-aerosol."

"What's that mean for us?" Dr. Kelson asked, looking between d.i.c.ken and Augustine.

"I don't think we'll catch it from the kids unless we engage in really stupid behavior-pick our noses, that sort of thing," d.i.c.ken said, glancing at Augustine. d.a.m.n him, he's pulling us together. " d.a.m.n him, he's pulling us together. "The aerosol forms of the viruses are probably not infectious for us."

"It has a smell," Toby volunteered. "When it's in the air it smells like soot spread over snow. When someone is going to get sick, and maybe die, they smell like lemons and ham. When they're going to get sick but not die, they smell like mustard and onions. Some of us just smell like water and dust. We won't get sick. That's a good, safe smell."

"What do you smell like, Toby?"

Toby shrugged. "I'm not sick."

Augustine gripped Toby's shoulder. "You're our guy," he said.

Toby returned his stare without expression, but his cheeks flared.

"Let's start," Augustine said.

"It's come to them saving themselves," DeWitt said, finding the logic bitter. "G.o.d help us all."

46.

PENNSYLVANIA.

The woods became dark and still. The rooms inside the cabin were quiet, stuffy from months of being closed up. Beneath the table lamp in the living room, Stella Nova shuddered at the end of each exhale of breath, but her lungs were not congested, and the air did not go in and out of her with the harsh whicker Kaye had heard earlier.

She changed the bag of Ringer's. Stella still did not awaken. Kaye stooped beside her daughter, listening and watching, then straightened. She looked around the cabin, seeing for the first time the homey and decorative touches, the carefully chosen personal items of the Mackenzie family. On an end table, a silver frame with characters from Winnie-the-Pooh in bas-relief held a picture of George and Iris and their son, Kelly, perhaps three years younger than Stella at the time the picture was taken.

To some, all the new children looked alike. People chose the simplest markers to differentiate between one another. Some people, Kaye had learned, were little more than social drones, going through the motions of being human beings, like little automatons, and teaching these people to see Stella and her kind with any sense of discrimination or understanding was almost impossible.

She hated that amorphous mob, lined up in her imagination like an endless army of unthinking robots, all intent on misunderstanding, hurting, killing.

Kaye checked Stella once again, found her signs steady if not improving, then walked from room to room to find her husband. Mitch sat on the porch in an Adirondack chair, facing the lake, eyes fixed on a point between two big pines. The fading light of dusk made him look sallow and drained.

"How are you?" Kaye asked.

"I'm fine," Mitch said. "How's Stella?"

"Resting. The fever is steady, but not dangerous."

"Good," Mitch said. His hands gripped the ends of the square wooden armrests. Kaye surveyed those hands with a sudden and softening sense of nostalgia. Big, square knuckles, long fingers. Once, simply looking at Mitch's hands would have made her h.o.r.n.y.

"I think you're right," Kaye said.

"About what?"

"Stella's going to be okay. Unless there's another crisis."

Mitch nodded. Kaye looked at his face, expecting relief. He just kept nodding.

"We can take turns sleeping," Kaye suggested.

"I won't sleep," Mitch said. "If I sleep, someone will die. I have to stay awake and watch everything. Otherwise, you'll blame me."

This astonished Kaye, to the extent she even had enough energy to feel astonished. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You were angry with me for being in Was.h.i.+ngton when Stella ran away."

"I was not."

"You were furious."

"I was upset."

"I can't betray you. I can't betray Stella. I'm going to lose both of you."

"Please talk sense. That is loony, loony, Mitch." Mitch."

"Tell me that's not exactly how you felt, because I was away when it began."

Why did the burden rest upon her? How often had Mitch been away, and Stella had decided it was time to pull something, to challenge, stretch, reach out and test? "I was stressed out," Kaye said.

"I've never blamed you. I've tried to do everything you wanted me to do, and be everything I've needed to be."

"I know," Kaye said.

"Then cut me some slack." At another time, those words might have hit Kaye like a slap, but his voice was so drained and desperate, they felt more like the brush of a wind-blown curtain. "Your instincts are no stronger than mine. Just because you are a woman and a mother does not give you the right to . . ." He waved a hand helplessly. "Go off on me."

"I did not 'go off on you,' " Kaye said, but she knew she had, and felt defensively that she did indeed have that right. Yet the way Mitch was behaving, the words he was saying, scared her. He had never been one to complain or to criticize. She could not remember having this sort of conversation in their twelve years of being together.

"I feel things as strongly as you," Mitch said.

Kaye sat on the chair arm, nudging his elbow inward. He folded his arm across his chest. "I know," she said. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," Mitch said. "I know it isn't the right time to talk like this." His breath hitched. He was trying to hold back sobs. "But right now I feel like curling up and dying."

Kaye leaned over to kiss the top of his head. His face was cold and hard under her fingers, as if he were already in some other place, dead to her. Her heart started to beat faster.

Mitch cleared his throat. "There's this voice in my head, and it says over and over again, 'You are not fit to be a father.' If that's true, the only option is to die."

"Shush," Kaye said, very cautiously.

"If I go to sleep, I'll let something get in. A little crack. Something will creep in and kill my family."

"The h.e.l.l with that," she said, again gently, softly, as if her breath might shatter him. "We're tough. We'll make it. Stella's doing better."

"I'm tapped out. Broken."

"Shush, please. You are are strong, I know you are, and I apologize if I've been acting stupid. It's the situation, Mitch. Don't be hard on either of us." strong, I know you are, and I apologize if I've been acting stupid. It's the situation, Mitch. Don't be hard on either of us."

He shook his head, clearly unconvinced. "I need you to tuck me in," he said, his voice hollow. "Put me in that big bed and pull up the frilly sheets and kiss me on the cheek and say good night. I'll be all right in a little while. Just wake me if Stella has a problem, or if you need me."

"All right," Kaye said. She felt an immense sadness as he looked up and met her eyes.

"I try all the time," he said. "I give you both all I have, all the time."

"I know."

"Without you and Stella, I am a dead man. You know that."

"I know."

"Don't break me, Kaye."

"I won't. I promise."

He stood. Kaye took his hand and led him into the bedroom like a frightened boy or an old, old man. She pulled back the down comforter and the blanket and top sheet. Mitch unb.u.t.toned his s.h.i.+rt and removed his pants and stood by the side of the bed, lost.

"Just lie down and get some rest," she said.

"Wake me if Stella gets any worse," Mitch said. "I want to see her and tell her I love her." He looked at her, eyes unfocused. Kaye tucked the sheets in around him, her heart thumping. She kissed him on the cheek. No tears, his face cold and hard as stone, all Mitch's blood flowing away to somewhere far from her, taking him to where she could not go.

"I love you," Kaye said. "I believe in you. I believe in what we've done."

His eyes focused on hers, then, and she felt embarra.s.sed at the power she had over this large, strong man. The blood returned to his face, and his lips came alive under hers.

Then, like a light going out, he was asleep.

Kaye stood beside the bed and watched Mitch, eyes wide. Her chest felt wrapped in steel bands. She was as frightened as if she had just missed driving them all off a cliff. She stood vigil over him for as long as she could before she had to leave and check on Stella. She hated the conflict, husband or daughter, but went with her judgment and the nature inside her, and crossed the few steps into the living room.

The cabin was completely dark.

"What?"

Kaye sat up on the floor. She had fallen asleep beside Stella, with only the flap of the sleeping bag between her and the hard wood, and now she had the distinct impression someone other than her daughter was in the room.

It wasn't Mitch. She could see the blanketed hill of his toes through the bedroom door.

"Who's there?" she whispered.

Crickets and frogs outside, a couple of large flies buzzing around the cabin.

She switched on a table lamp, checked her daughter for the hundredth time, found the fever way down, the breathing more regular.

She thought about moving Stella into the second bedroom, but the hook supporting the bag of Ringer's solution would have to be moved as well, and Stella seemed comfortable on the sleeping bag, as comfortable as she would have been in a bed.

Kaye looked in on Mitch. He, too, was sleeping quietly. For a few minutes, Kaye stood in the short, narrow hallway, then leaned against the wall. "It's better," she said to the shadows. "It has got to be better."

She turned suddenly. For a moment, she had thought she might see someone in the hall, someone beloved and familiar. Her father.

Dad is dead. Mom is dead. I'm an orphan. All the family I have is in this house.

She rubbed her forehead and neck. Her muscles were so tense, not least from sleeping beside Stella on the wooden floor. Her sinuses felt congested, as if she had been crying. It was a peculiar, not unpleasant sensation; the byproduct of some deeply buried emotion.

She needed to get some air. She checked Stella again, obsessive; knelt to touch her daughter's forehead and feel her pulse, then walked around the couch, through the porch door, down the steps, and across the path through the gra.s.s to the boat dock.

The dock was thirty feet long and ten feet wide, ridiculously large on such a small lake. It supported a single overturned rowboat and a pile of moldy life vests. Gra.s.s blades poked out of the vests, s.h.i.+mmering in the moonlight.

Kaye stood at the end of the dock and crossed her arms. Absorbed the night. Crickets stroked out the degrees of heat, frogs thrummed with s.e.xy, alien dignity out there in the shallows, among the reeds. Gnats hummed their desperate little ditties.

"Do any of you know what it is to be sad?" Kaye asked the lake and its inhabitants, then looked back toward the house. "Are you you sad when your children are ill?" The single lamp in the living room burned golden through the windows of the porch. sad when your children are ill?" The single lamp in the living room burned golden through the windows of the porch.

She closed her eyes. Something large, completing a connection . . . something huge huge pa.s.sing over, sweeping the lake, the forest-touching all the living things around her. pa.s.sing over, sweeping the lake, the forest-touching all the living things around her.

The frogs fell silent.

And touching her. her.

Kaye jumped as if someone had cracked through a flimsy wooden wall. Her shoulders rose and her fingers tensed. "h.e.l.lo?" she whispered.

Any neighbors were at least a mile away, up the road, beyond the thick trees. She saw nothing, heard nothing.

"Wow," she said, and immediately felt stupid. She looked around the lake, toward the reedy shallows, searching for the source of another voice, though no one had spoken. The reeds were empty. The lake fell silent, not even a breath of air. The night was so still Kaye could hear her heart beating in her chest.

Something had touched touched her, not her skin, deeper. At first it was just the awareness that she was not alone. By herself, on the dock, in her bare feet, she now shared her s.p.a.ce with someone as real as she-as welcome and strangely familiar as a beloved friend. her, not her skin, deeper. At first it was just the awareness that she was not alone. By herself, on the dock, in her bare feet, she now shared her s.p.a.ce with someone as real as she-as welcome and strangely familiar as a beloved friend.

She felt years of burden lift. For a moment, she basked in a warm sensation of infinite reprieve.

No judgment. No punishment.

Kaye s.h.i.+vered. Her tongue moved over her lips. A trickle of silvery water seemed to run through her head. The trickle became a rivulet, then an insistent creek flowing down the back of her neck into her chest. It was cool and electric and pure, like stepping out of the sweltering heat of a summer day into an underground spring. But this spring spoke spoke, though never with words. It had a particular and distinctive perfume, like astringent flowers.

It was alive, and she could not shake the feeling that she had known about it all along. Like molecules finally fitting, making a whole-yet not. Nothing biological whatsoever. Something other other.

Kaye touched her forehead. "Am I having a stroke?" she whispered. She fingered her lips. They were trying to form a smile. She bent them straight. "I can't be weak. Not now. Who's there?" she repeated, as if locked into a pointless ritual.

She knew knew the answer. the answer.

The visitor, the caller caller, possessed no features, no face or form. Nevertheless, being bathed in this cool, lovely fount was like having all of her great-grandmothers, her great-grandfathers, all the wise and sweet and wonderful and powerful members of her family whom she had never met, all at once and together bestowing the unconditional approval and love they would have bestowed had they cradled her as an infant in their sheltering arms. There was that much in it, and more.