Tales and Novels Volume VIII Part 19

_Mr. Carv._ Don't stir, pray--I beg--I request--I insist. I am by no means ceremonious, sir.

_O'Bla._ (_bustling and setting two chairs_) No, but I'd wish to show respect proper to him I consider the first man in the county.

_Mr. Carv._ (_aside_) Man! gentleman, he might have said.

[_Mr. CARVER sits down and rests himself consequentially._

_O'Bla._ Now, Mr. Carver of Bob's Fort, you've been over fartiguing yourself--

_Mr. Carv._ For the public good. I can't help it, really.

_O'Bla._ Oh! but, upon my word and honour, it's too much: there's rason in all things. A man of Mr. Carver's fortin to be slaving! If you were a man in business, like me, it would be another thing. I must slave at the desk to keep all round. See, Mr. Carver, see!--ever since the day you advised me to be as particular as yourself in keeping accounts to a farthing, I do, to a fraction, even like state accounts, see!

_Mr. Carv._ And I trust you find your advantage in it, sir. Pray, how does the distillery business go on?

_O'Bla._ Swimmingly! ever since that time, Mr. Carver, your interest at the castle helped me at the dead lift, and got that fine took off. 'Tis to your purtiction, encouragement, and advice entirely, I owe my present unexampled prosperity, which you prophesied; and Mr. Carver's prophecies seldom, I may say never, fail to be accomplished.

_Mr. Carv._ I own there is some truth in your observation. I confess I have seldom been mistaken or deceived in my judgment of man, woman, or child.

_O'Bla._ Who can say so much?

_Mr. Carv._ For what reason, I don't pretend to say; but the fact ostensibly is, that the few persons I direct with my advice are unquestionably apt to prosper in this world.

_O'Bla._ Mighty apt! for which rason I would wish to trouble you for your unprecedently good advice on another pint, if it, would not be too great a liberty.

_Mr. Carv._ No liberty at all, my good Gerald--I am always ready to advise--only to-day--certainly, the fair day of Ballynavogue, there are so many calls upon me, both in a public and private capacity, so much business of vital importance!

_O'Bla._ (_aside_) Vital importance!--that is his word on all occasions.

(_Aloud_) May be then, (oh! where was my head?) may be you would not have breakfasted all this time? and we've the kittle down always in this house, (_rising_) Pat!--Jack!--Mick!--Jenny! put the kittle down.

_Mr. Carv._ Sit down, sit still, my worthy fellow. Breakfasted at Bob's Fort, as I always do.

_O'Bla._ But a bit of cake--a gla.s.s of wine, to refrish and replinish nature.

_Mr. Carv._ Too early--spoil my dinner. But what was I going to say?

_O'Bla._ (_aside_) Burn me, if I know; and I pray all the saints you may never recollect.

_Mr. Carv._ I recollect. How many times do you think I was stopped on horseback coming up the street of Ballynavogue?--Five times by weights and measures imperiously calling for reformation, sir. Thirteen times, upon my veracity, by booths, apple-stalls, nuisances, vagabonds, and drunken women. Pigs without end, sir--wanting ringing, and all squealing in my ears, while I was settling sixteen disputes about tolls and customs. Add to this, my regular battle every fair-day with the crane, which ought to be any where but where it is; and my perputual discoveries of fraudulent kegs, and stones in the b.u.t.ter! Now, sir, I only ask, can you wonder that I wipe my forehead? (_wiping his forehead_).

_O'Bla._ In troth, Mr. Carver, I cannot! But these are the pains and penalties of being such a man of consequence as you evidently are;--and I that am now going to add to your troubles too by consulting you about my little pint!

_Mr. Carv._ A point of law, I dare to say; for people somehow or other have got such a prodigious opinion of my law. (_Takes snuff._)

_O'Bla._ (_aside_) No coming to the pint till he has finished his own panygeric.

_Mr. Carv._ And I own I cannot absolutely turn my back on people. Yet as to _poor_ people, I always settle them by telling them, it is my principle that law is too expensive for the poor: I tell them, the poor have nothing to do with the laws.

_O'Bla._ Except the penal.

_Mr. Carv._ True, the civil is for us, men of property; and no man should think of going to law, without he's qualified. There should be licenses.

_O'Bla._ No doubt. Pinalties there are in plinty; still those who can afford should indulge. In Ireland it would as ill become a gentleman to be any way shy of a law-shute, as of a duel.

_Mr. Carv._ Yet law is expensive, sir, even to me.

_O'Bla._ But 'tis the best economy in the end; for when once you have cast or non-shuted your man in the courts, 'tis as good as winged him in the field. And suppose you don't get sixpence costs, and lose your cool hundred by it, still it's a great advantage; for you are let alone to enjoy your own in pace and quiet ever after, which you could not do in this county without it. But the love of the law has carried me away from my business: the pint I wanted to consult you about is not a pint of law; 'tis another matter.

_Mr. Carv._ (_looking at his watch_) I must be at Bob's Fort, to seal my despatches for the castle. And there's another thing I say of myself.

_O'Bla._ (_aside_) Remorseless agotist!

_Mr. Carv._ I don't know how the people all have got such an idea of my connexions at the castle, and my influence with his Excellency, that I am worried with eternal applications: they expect I can make them all gaugers or attorney-generals, I believe. How do they know I write to the castle?

_O'Bla._ Oh! the post-office tells asy by the big sales (seals) to your despatches--(_aside_)--which, I'll engage, is all the castle ever, rades of them, though Carver has his Excellency always in his mouth, G.o.d help him!

_Mr. Carv._ Well, you wanted to consult me, Gerald?

_O'Bla._ And you'll give me your advice, which will be conclusive, law, and every thing to me. You know the McBrides--would they be safe?

_Mr. Carv._ Very safe, substantial people.

_O'Bla._ Then here's the thing, Mr. Carver: as you recommend them, and as they are friends of yours--I will confess to you that, though it might not in pint of interest be a very prudent match, I am thinking that Honor McBride is such a prudent girl, and Mrs. Carver has taken her by the hand, so I'd wish to follow Mrs. Carver's example for life, in taking Honor by the hand for better for worse.

_Mr. Carv._ In my humble opinion you cannot do better; and I can tell you a secret--Honor will have no contemptible fortune in that rank of life.

_O'Bla._ Oh, fortune's always contemptible in marriage.

_Mr. Carv._ Fortune! sir?

_O'Bla._ (_aside_) Overshot. (_Aloud_) In comparison with the patronage and protection or countenance she'd have from you and your family, sir.

_Mr. Carv._ That you may depend upon, my good Gerald, as far as we can go; but you know we are nothing.

_O'Bla._ Oh, I know you're every thing--every thing on earth--particularly with ould McBride; and you know how to speak so well and iloquent, and I'm so tongue-tied and bashful on such an occasion.

_Mr. Carv._ Well, well, I'll speak for you.

_O'Bla._ A thousand thanks down to the ground.

_Mr. Carv._ (_patting him on the back as he rises_) My _poor_ Gerald.

_O'Bla._ Then I am _poor_ Gerald in point of wit, I know; but you are too good a friend to be calling me _poor_ to ould McBride--you can say what I can't say.

_Mr. Carv._ Certainly, certainly; and you may depend on me. I shall speak my decided opinion; and I fancy McBride has sense enough to be ruled by me.

_O'Bla._ I am sure he has--only there's a Randal Rooney, a wild young man, in the case. I'd be sorry the girl was thrown I away upon Randal.