The Onion Presents Part 12

Less than two weeks later, the screaming and dish-throwing that typifies Frye's emotionally abusive relations.h.i.+p with her child had resumed. Neighbors reported overhearing Frye yell, "I should have had you aborted," and the child's antisocial behavior and poor performance in school have worsened.

Such forgetting-the-Christmas-spirit stories are not uncommon. According to Samuelson, the process is not only normal, but essential to preserving the special feeling a.s.sociated with the holiday.

"The positive, soul-enriching sentiments a.s.sociated with the holiday season are shared by almost all Americans, regardless of religious beliefs or cultural backgrounds," Samuelson said. "But it is only through our regular mean-spirited shallowness the rest of the year that the spirit of Christmas can, by contrast, move us so deeply, deluding the populace into thinking their lives are actually beautiful. If everybody behaved so kindly to one another all year round, Christmas wouldn't seem special at all. And then, the magic of Christmas would be lost forever, swallowed up by a year-round sense of basic human decency that would rob the holidays of their warm glow, ruining Christmas for all the little children of the world."

"If you think about it, the eleven and a half months of cruelty, selfishness, and disrespect exhibited by nearly all of humanity may, in fact, be the most precious gift of all," he added, wiping a tear from his eye. "It is this non-holy miracle of man's non-holiday inhumanity to man that is the true meaning of Christmas."

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Natalee Holloway Makes New Year's Resolution To Become Famous BIRMINGHAM, AL-At a quiet New Year's Eve party with friends, Mountain Brook High School senior Natalee Holloway made a resolution to be famous before the end of the calendar year. "I may just be an 18-year-old with my whole life ahead of me, but mark my words, I'm going to capture the public's attention in a big way," Holloway said. "I don't need to be rich, powerful, smart, or important-I just want to be famous. And I would like to use my fame to help others become famous-people like Nancy Grace, who is sadly underutilized on her sole program, Court TV's Closing Arguments." Holloway's mother Beth Twitty immediately joined in with a resolution of her own to tirelessly bolster her daughter's fame "on every news magazine show" if she has to.

NEWS IN PHOTOS.

Prescription Put In 2009 New Year's Eve Gla.s.ses

NEWS.

Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn't Come Out Right HASTINGS, NE-Citizens across the nation were shocked and dismayed Thursday when a pie, originally intended to be a delectable, mouthwatering treat, somehow emerged from the oven in less-than-ideal condition.

What should have been a scrumptious baked good.

The disappointing dessert-a cranberry-apple pie baked by Hastings woman Cathy Stanger-was described by those who tried it as gooey and saccharine, with a slightly bitter aftertaste, and has left a baffled nation struggling to understand how a pie that should have been so delicious could go so wrong.

"It ... it just doesn't make any sense," Phoenix construction worker Dale Wallace said. "The crust was brown. Not a light golden brown, but dark brown. Almost black. There was no tartness in the filling, and the bottom was mushy. It wasn't flaky or succulent, either. How could this have happened?"

In a desperate search for answers, some Americans have directly called into question Stanger's methods in preparing the lackl.u.s.ter baked good.

Specific criticisms include Stanger's choice of fruits, with many saying that perhaps a Granny Smith or Golden Delicious apple should have been used instead of Honeycrisp. Other detractors have suggested that Stanger should never have strayed from pumpkin, which is generally acknowledged to be her signature pie.

"She probably didn't follow all the directions," Orlando, FL, resident Vivian Werner said. "Sometimes, you just miss a step somewhere along the way or figure you can wing it. Obviously, mistakes were made, and now the whole nation is paying the price."

"You know what, I bet she overcooked it," Werner continued. "People always leave pies in too long. I have no idea why."

A Rasmussen poll found that 37 percent of Americans surveyed thought that Stanger had probably added too much salt to the crust, 24 percent believed that maybe she used an off-brand of cornstarch in the pie filling, 16 percent speculated that her oven might have some hot spots, and 7 percent felt that the pie was probably not that bad if you popped it in the microwave with a little scoop of ice cream on top.

Official reaction to the pie has been swift and decisive. Rep. Ben Chandler (D-KY) took to the floor of the House to denounce the pie as unappealing, within hours of its removal from the oven. Later that afternoon, the Senate convened a special investigative panel to determine what went wrong with the pie and plans to release its report in June of next year.

In the meantime, President Barack Obama attempted to soothe the nation in his weekly video address.

"My fellow Americans, we are all discouraged by the outcome of the pie in Hastings," Obama said. "It was meant to feed six people, with leftovers for lunch the next day. But what's important now is that we have our best minds working on the Hastings pie, studying it, a.n.a.lyzing it. Making sure that something like this never happens again. Rest a.s.sured, there will be more pies."

"And in a personal message to Cathy Stanger: Did you remember to cover the edge of the crust with foil?" Obama continued. "You should try that next time. It keeps the crust from burning."

OPINION.

Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am G.o.d The True Meaning Of Christmas

By Santa Claus

Ho! Ho! Ho! Seasons greetings, boys and girls. It's almost time for Christmas. I'll bet you can't wait, eh? I thought so! Ho! Ho! Ho! You just love Christmas, don't you? Oh, so do I. Ho! Ho! Ho! I love visiting each and every one of your homes, stuffing your stockings with toys, and enjoying the milk and cookies you leave for me. But mostly I love Christmas because it's the celebration of the birth of my only son, Jesus the Christ. You see, I'm G.o.d.

Oh, don't look at me funny. I want to see you smile. Smile for Santa! Come on. If you don't smile, I won't give you what you want for Christmas this year. Oh, there we go! Ho! Ho! Ho! That's a good child. Now bring your little ear close to Santa. I want to tell you something. A little closer. There we are. If you're very, very good this year, I'm going to give you everlasting life in my heavenly kingdom. Would you like that? Oh, I'll bet you would! Ho! Ho! Ho!

You probably think you only see me at Christmas time, don't you? Well, that's not true. You see me every Sunday in church. Look at me. Don't I look familiar to you? I'm old, I have a while beard, I love everyone. I'm the same G.o.d as the one you and your mommy and daddy wors.h.i.+p on Sundays.

You do know why I want you to be on my list of good boys and girls, don't you? Why I don't want you to tell lies, or be disrespectful to your parents? Of course you do. Because those are my Ten Commandments, the ones I emblazoned onto stone tablets and handed down the mount to Moses thousands of years ago. And when you obey my Ten Commandments, I reward you with lovely presents, such as eternal life. If you disobey them, I punish you with the searing fires of h.e.l.l. That's what a G.o.d does. But you've been good, haven't you? Of course you have! Ho! Ho! Ho! You're all such good boys and girls. Santa loves you.

Oh, but sometimes Santa gets sad. Yes, I do. Do you know why? Because I don't have anything to do all year except on Christmas Eve. Well, except for listening to all the precious prayers of you good little boys and girls, of course. I listen to all your prayers all year 'round. I listen to your parents' prayers, too. And then, when Christmas approaches, my elves-oops! I mean, my angels-and I work very hard building all the toys. I have many angels, with mighty wings and flowing robes as bright as the sun.

I try to stay jolly. Because what kind of Santa would I be if I weren't jolly? Not much of one, that's for sure! Ho! Ho! Ho! But it's not easy being G.o.d. It's very cold on the North Pole-Heaven. I live in Heaven, of course. It's always warm up there, and we listen to beautiful harp music all the livelong day.

Okay, I admit it. I'm not G.o.d. But I'm better than G.o.d. I'm jollier, and I give you real toys, not boring old psalms and empty promises you can only collect on when you die. Wors.h.i.+p me, not him! Wors.h.i.+p Santa! I am G.o.d!

NEWS IN PHOTOS.

Baby New Year Abandoned In Street

FAMILY.

Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport COLUMBIA, MO-Joan Hadler, a Columbia-area mother of three, wept tears of joy Monday over a cheap, last-minute present her visiting son Troy bought at an airport gift shop en route home.

The inexpensive teapot Troy purchased as an afterthought.

"I had a layover in St. Louis and had about an hour to kill. There was a gift shop called 'That's Something Else' in the C Concourse, so I figured, 'Hey, I should pick up something for Mom,' " said Troy Hadler, 25, who now lives in Alexandria, VA. "I picked her up this little teapot, and when I gave it to her, she was so touched, there were tears running down her face. I was glad she liked it, but she liked it so much, I kind of felt sorry for her."

Upon being handed the gift, wrapped only in a plastic bag, Joan protested that her son's visit home was "all the present [she] needed." After opening the bag and seeing the teapot, however, her eyes welled up with tears, and she hugged Troy repeatedly.

"Mom cradled it in her arms like it was a Faberge egg," Troy said. "It made her so incredibly happy. I guess I made the right decision when I chose it over the pewter replica of the St. Louis Arch."

Though Troy said he loves his mother "very much," he admitted that he rarely buys her gifts. On Monday, however, he went the extra mile and spent approximately 60 seconds picking out the $29 flowered enameled teapot.

"I'm sure it was stupid to get something like that at an airport," Hadler said. "It's obviously just some overpriced, c.r.a.ppy version of an actually nice teapot, but I wasn't about to run all over St. Louis comparison-shopping for teapots."

Compounding Troy's guilt, his overjoyed mother told him that the teapot would have "a place of honor" among the decorative teacups she displays in her home's dining-room cabinet.

"Maybe I subconsciously knew she collected teacups and that's why I got it, but that's unlikely," Troy said. "Pretty much, I was just looking around and saw the teapot and thought, 'Hey, I think mom drinks tea.' "

Despite Troy's insistence that the gift was "no biggie," his mother continued to treat it as a special event well into the next day.

Said next-door neighbor Francine Geis: "I was watering my azalea bushes Tuesday when Joan saw me over the fence. She waved me over and said, 'You've got to come inside and see what Troy brought me all the way from Was.h.i.+ngton, DC!' "

The neighbor stood by as Joan "oohed and aahed" over the teapot, talking at length about what a thoughtful son she has.

"I wanted to yell, 'Stop! No, I'm not!' " said Troy, who was present for the sad display of unjustified maternal pride. "The only effort I expended in buying the gift was the two-second struggle I had trying to pull the credit card out of my wallet."

"I know Mom wasn't trying to make me feel guilty by overreacting," Troy continued. "She genuinely did love it. Just like she loved the Was.h.i.+ngton, DC, sweats.h.i.+rt I got her last year and the Blue Mountain e-card I sent her on her birthday in 1999."

To a.s.suage his guilt, Troy has made a pact with himself to buy his mother "a nice necklace or something" from a non-airport gift shop the next time he visits.

"I've got to get her a gift that's actually decent next time," Troy said. "The look of joy on her face from that c.r.a.ppy teapot, man, I felt like the worst son in the whole world."

"Mom said she'd think of me whenever she used the teapot," Troy added. "In turn, I guess I'll think of her whenever I'm in an airport gift shop."

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Book Given As Gift Actually Read LONG BEACH, CA-The nation's publis.h.i.+ng industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient. According to reports, Long Beach schoolteacher Gavin Wallace completed James Gleick's Genius: The Life And Science Of Richard Feynman, a present from his cousin. "I was very interested in Dr. Feynman, after having seen a TV show on him last month," Wallace told reporters. "So, having some time to myself over the holidays, I read the book, which I enjoyed thoroughly." Wallace previously made headlines for his December 1996 consumption of the entire contents of a Hickory Farms gift basket

NEWS.

Survival of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle DUNDEE, IL-Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, sometimes there's a little miracle in store for all of us.

And that miracle was more or less what Dundee resident Herb Fosbeck received this past Christmas, when the 38-year-old survived a near-fatal session of oxygen-deprived masturbation.

"The doctors told me I'm lucky to be alive," said Fosbeck, who almost suffocated to death after tying a belt to the base of his showerhead, wrapping the leather strap around his throat, and cutting off his body's circulation in order to heighten climax.

Added Fosbeck, "Somebody up there must sort of like me."

At first glance, the overweight and single Fosbeck might not seem like the kind of character you'd normally see in a heartwarming Christmas tale. And, basically, he isn't, because this is not exactly that type of story. On the other hand, Fosbeck did learn something about the true spirit of the season, albeit in a rather disturbing way. And he didn't die. So if you think about the whole thing with that in mind, it's almost hopeful.

"This is what Christmas is all about, I guess," said police investigator Randy Haverscham, who, along with two other officers and several neighbors, discovered Fosbeck's unconscious body after responding to complaints of a loud crash. "Not really. But still."

A time for hearths, mistletoe, and sharing cider with those you love, Christmas largely pa.s.sed the solitary Fosbeck by. Not invited to any festive get-togethers, and with no one to curl up with save the hollow-eyed actresses in his vast p.o.r.nography collection, the middle-aged man's yuletide plans were limited to the fleeting satisfaction of choking himself while tugging weakly at his swollen member.

As Fosbeck slung the restrictive strap over his head, doing his best to ignore the sounds of carolers outside his open window, did he perhaps think he'd finally hit bottom? We can only a.s.sume so. But that turned out not to be the case because, right in the middle of furiously pumping his erection, he slipped in his bathtub, and suddenly found himself spasmodically dangling from his homemade noose.

"I remember putting the belt around my neck, and I guess I must have gotten pretty excited and started moving around too much, because the next thing I knew I was strangling to death," said Fosbeck, who was released from Dundee General Hospital's intensive care ward on Jan. 1. "I don't remember much after that."