The Onion Presents Part 6

As of press time, Rosenstein had not decided what to do with the DVD.

"I can't trade it to any of my friends," Rosenstein said. "They'd just roll their eyes when they saw it wasn't letterboxed. Basically, I'm screwed. I'm stuck with a product that has no reason to exist."

"I suppose I could just throw it away," Rosenstein continued. "But what if Aunt Hannah or Uncle Bernie asked about it? I'll probably have to just keep this horrible thing on my shelf. I'm trapped, like Neo and the other warriors of Zion, in a fict.i.tious world I never chose to be a part of: an imaginary alternate universe where non-widescreen DVDs are remotely tolerable."

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children NORTH POLE-Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that grants greater benefits to often-neglected "special wants" children. "Old policies failed to reward the world's children for dreaming big, but no longer-children with special or unusual wants shall see them all fulfilled on Christmas morning," Kringle said, in an announcement met with strong support from parents of the developmentally ent.i.tled. "My children were all born with special wants," said Glenda Froman, mother of three. "After years of whiny suffering, they'll finally have their wish: Xbox 360s in every room, matching ponies, and a rocket-powered bicycle they're allowed to fly inside the house."

OPINION.

Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder By Sharon Marcus Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a tiny little baby who lets winter cold and an hour or two of extra darkness keep me from functioning. Boo-hoo, I've got seasonal affective disorder. All I feel like doing is sitting in my apartment, eating, and going beddy-bye because my hypothalamus can't cope with the decreased amount of daylight.

Boo-hoo, I have fewer melanopsin proteins than regular people.

Poor me, every morning I have trouble getting out of bed because it's still dark outside when I leave for work. The gray clouds and the icy slush and the brutal cold and ever-present darkness remind me of my impending doom. They magnify all my latent fears and feelings of hopelessness. Whine!

I never feel this way when Mr. Sun is s.h.i.+ning with all his might. I wish I could slumber all winter like a bear and not even be aware of the gloomy old winter outside and wake up in April when the gra.s.s is growing and the trees are budding and the flowers are blooming. Or better yet, I wish I could live in a magical place where it's sunny and warm all year round. Then I could be happy and have fun. But, wah, I can't afford to move, so I'm forced to live in dumb old Des Moines, where the sun dies at 4:49 p.m.

Blubber-blub-blub, I've lost my social and intellectual coping mechanisms necessary to maintain my mental well-being, all because of a neurological condition over which I have no control and was afflicted with by a cruel random accident of biology. Pity poor little me! Every day between January and March is a living nightmare because I'm more psychologically vulnerable to the seasonal tilting of the planetary axis than most people-wah, wah, wah!

Well, at least I have my $300 dawn simulator. As mean Old Man Dark approaches, I stare at it for 30 whole minutes and hope that its bright artificial light will cheer me up. But boo-hoo-hoo, my serotonin levels still aren't increasing. Besides, a dawn simulator is no subst.i.tute for wonderful, glorious Mr. Sun.

Where are you, Mr. Sun? I thought you were my friend!

Boo-hoo, I'm just a self-pitying little baby with a clinically diagnosed disorder who just wants to cry all the time or stare into s.p.a.ce. My family doesn't understand me. They don't know why I just can't pull myself together. They think I'm crazy when they catch me gazing numbly at the kitchen wall. Sob! I am unable to pick up my 3-year-old and hug her or feel any motherly joy because I lack the sufficient amount of rods and cones in my retinas.

Wahhh! Will Mr. Sun ever come out again? What if he never does? Oh, no! See, because I have seasonal affective disorder, I think about stuff like this all the time. That, and suicide!

Just because it was cloudy outside yesterday, I had a big old panic attack and had to go to the hospital. My husband had to pick me up from the emergency room, and boy was he mad. I think everybody hates me! I feel totally worthless, and that makes my seasonal affective disorder worse! Bawl!

Well, March 21 can't come fast enough. That's the first day of spring! On that day, my energy levels will magically increase because Mr. Sun is positioned above the equator. Soon the days will be longer and the sunlight s.h.i.+nier, and I can finally raise the shades in my bedroom and have friends again and sing and dance and play. I have the date circled on my calendar with a big smiley face saying, "Rise and s.h.i.+ne, Sharon! It's spring! Mr. Sun is going to hug you today. You're allowed to laugh for the first time in three whole months!" It'll be the bestest day ever.

But it's still over a month away! And I can't do anything about it but curl up under the covers praying for relief to a cruel G.o.d who probably doesn't even exist. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Poor, poor me!

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Quick, Painless Death Tops Holiday Wish List Of Local Veal Calf BUTLER, OH-A four-month-old veal calf revealed Monday that topping its Christmas list this year is a quick, painless death. "I would like the end to come soon," said the calf, speaking from its one-by-two-foot pen. "And when it does come, I hope it is not agonizing." Sources close to the calf were surprised that more s.p.a.cious living quarters and a longer life did not come higher on its list, coming in three and six, respectively. Number two on the calf's list was a Panasonic wet/dry razor.

NEWS.

Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment of Colds WAs.h.i.+NGTON-A two-year investigation conducted in five major cities has exposed a widespread campaign by the formidable Rest and Fluids industry to infiltrate thousands of doctors' offices and dictate how they treat minor illnesses.

This physician enjoyed an all-expenses-paid trip to Aspen, just for telling his patients to "relax."

The investigation-the full details of which will be disclosed in this newspaper over the coming months-doc.u.mented thousands of instances in which sick patients were repeatedly instructed, often verbatim, to "lie down and drink plenty of liquids." This treatment, recommended a staggering 4 out of 5 times on average, was in each case prescribed by a physician known to have recently enjoyed a golf vacation courtesy of Big Rest and Fluids.

"You have no idea how deep this goes," said Dr. X, a physician who wished to remain anonymous. "They've got everyone, from the pediatricians and family doctors, right on down to the school nurses. We've had the cure for the common cold for nearly 40 years, but it's still 'rest and fluids, rest and fluids.' Why? Because these guys are getting paid through the nose, that's why."

"The complimentary king-sized beds, the downy soft comforters, the absolutely ravis.h.i.+ng women," Dr. X continued. "It's a sick, sick world."

The American Rest and Fluids industry first rose to prominence during the Great Influenza Pandemic of 1918, when there existed only meager compet.i.tion from quarantines and prayer. After gaining influence during the '20s and '30s, mainly through mob connections and a few corrupt U.S. senators, R&F was again buoyed in 1947 following the introduction of employee sick days.

What began as a small-scale racket has today grown into a multinational organization, with billions of dollars devoted each year to pus.h.i.+ng its pro-napping, broth-focused agenda.

"At this point, it may be impossible to unseat the power Rest and Fluids has over the American health system," patients rights activist Oren Michem said. "With their promises of free La-Z-Boy chairs and high-priced hotel rooms, it's no wonder they've cornered the cold market. Sure, they never come out and ask, 'Can Rest and Fluids count on your loyalty?' But the intention is obvious."

"It took my son nearly a week to stop sneezing and coughing," Michem added. "Who's to say a regimen of strenuous exercise and fasting wouldn't have helped him more?"

To date, no doctors have been willing to testify against these so-called Rest and Fluids "fat cats" for fear it would destroy their careers. In fact, a number of physicians have already been blackballed for prescribing echinacea and other over-the-counter remedies.

Worse yet, some fear violent retribution for not toeing the Rest and Fluids line. In 1997, four Chicago doctors who were known to prescribe cough syrup were found dead at the bottom of a pool of Ny-Quil. Officially, these deaths were blamed on the less-powerful Natural Causes industry, but many still believe the message delivered that day was clear.

Representatives of Rest and Fluids have refused to comment on the allegations.

"My clients have nothing to say about this or any other litigation involving R&F," said Robert Marconi, one of the industry's legion of high-paid defense attorneys. "Rest and Fluids has done nothing wrong and will fight these charges for as long as it takes. They can't prove a thing!"

With a recent $12.3 million donation to several prominent Was.h.i.+ngton bureaucrats, Rest and Fluids will most likely continue its stranglehold for decades to come. That is, unless one young and energetic nurse pract.i.tioner from Louisiana has his say.

This newspaper has recently learned that whistle-blower Nathan Bellows has collected a mountain of evidence outlining years of blackmail and corruption on the part of R&F. Evidence, Bellows said, he plans to leak to 12 major media outlets later this week.

Bellows lives at 138 Juniper St., Apt. 3H, Folsom, LA, 70437. He goes jogging every morning around the nearby reservoir and is always alone.

NEWS IN BRIEF.

s.h.i.+tty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time CEDAR RAPIDS, IA-Horrible person James MacDougal, an account executive at the properties management firm Gordon, Olster and French, this time blamed his constant s.h.i.+tty behavior toward others on the shortened days of the fall season, sources reported Monday. "The lack of sunlight makes me cranky," said MacDougal, who in previous months has blamed the humidity, his favorite sports team losing, not getting enough sleep, and the "terrible" office coffee for making him a total, unrelenting a.s.shole. "I've snapped at [secretary] Lynette three times this week. I should really apologize. It's just my knee has been killing me lately." By midwinter, MacDougal is expected by co-workers to revert to such time-tested excuses as having to change to snow tires, being "under the weather," and the annual Christmas visit from "[his] griping b.i.t.c.h of a mom."

NEWS.

Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5 SOUTHFIELD, MI-Bored with scaring elderly misers, the Ghost of Christmas Future is spending the holiday season taunting modern children with visions of Christmas 2016's hottest toy: the Sony PlayStation 5, a 2,048-bit console featuring a 45-Ghz trinary processor, CineReal graphics booster with 2-gig biotexturing, and an RSP connector for 360-degree online-immersion play.

The Ghost of Christmas Future offers a pair of Phoenix 10-year-olds a tantalizing glimpse of the PS5.

"You know how kids are-a year is an eternity to them," the wraithlike specter said Monday during a visit to the Southfield home of 13-year-old Josh Kuehn. "So just imagine showing them something they'll have to wait 14 years for. Teasing them with a glimpse of the PS5 is the ultimate torture. They absolutely lose their minds. It's like saying, 'Hey, kid, you'll be an old man before you ever get to touch this.' "

The Ghost of Christmas Future said he has visited more than 125,000 homes since Thanksgiving, offering children an agonizing sneak peek at what they cannot have for another decade and a half.

"I like to appear in the living room with a PS5 hooked up to 2016's most popular TV, the 48 Hi-Def Sony t.i.tania," the Ghost said. "Then, I'll say in my best spooky voice, 'Jimmy! Behold what your kids will be playing while you're slaving away at an office job to support them!' "

Driving the children mad with PS5 l.u.s.t, the Ghost said, is a multi-step process.

"I usually start by showing them Toteki Aluminum, one of the future's most popular fight-and-chase games," the Ghost said. "It's far from the best available in 2016, but it always blows their mind to see the guy get hit with the falling sign while the drops of sweat fly off his face. You can see the whole scene, distorted, in each of the individual drops. That gives them a good preliminary idea of the graphics technology we're dealing with."

The Ghost said he then likes to show Airsledz, a racing game in which jet-powered sleds whoosh through a four-dimensional racing course in the sky. The game, he said, enables the player to compete online against dozens of other players all around the world.

"They always ask if you can play it on the Internet-it's so cute how they still call it 'the Internet'-and I tell them, 'Hey, you can play this against 63 other PS5 owners simultaneously. At least you can in 14 years,' " the Ghost said. "And you should see their jaws. .h.i.t the floor when they learn about the add-on accessories that enable users to actually fly around the room during gameplay."

Once the capabilities of the system are conveyed to the children, the Ghost likes to push them further over the edge by showing them games specially targeted to their age group.

Younger children, he said, salivate upon seeing Level One of Zonic Fugue. In it, Zonic, the indigo-colored son of Sonic The Hedgehog, faces off against Chuckles The Echidna in a Terrordactyl sky-joust, attempting to earn the Ankle Rockets he needs to gather the five Chaos Sapphires that, when combined, form the master key that opens the Melody Dome.

To break the spirits of children 12 and up, the Ghost runs a brief demonstration of Back To Werewolf Island. The horror-action thriller, he said, will be produced in full 10.8 Omneo sound and feature new music from 40 of 2016's hottest skagcore acts, including FU3P, Dredgerous, and Frances Cobain.

"Sometimes, the kids will start getting defensive and say, 'Yeah, well, I don't know any of those characters, so big deal,' " the Ghost said. "That's when I pull out DC vs. Marvel."

The Ghost said he shows the children a brief clip of DC vs. Marvel, in which cinema-realistic figures of Spider-Man and the Joker dash across impossibly detailed city streets, attacking each other with dozens of different offensive maneuvers while leaping, somersaulting, and throwing objects.

"They usually start trembling at that point," the Ghost said. "That's when I go in for the kill by casually mentioning that the game comes packaged with the 2016 feature film of the same name-not on DVD, of course, but on SCAP. Ten times better."

The few children unbroken by DC vs. Marvel are invariably finished off by the sight of Star Wars-Episode IX: Jedi Destiny, a game which employs the world's most advanced artificial-intelligence algorithm to place the player inside the film's climactic battle sequence on the planet Mon Jeedam.

"With more than 12,000 distinct soldiers, creatures, and vehicles fighting at once, and the option to command the New Republic Fleet, the Imperial Armada, or the Yuuzhan Vong Invasion Force, it's not merely the best Star Wars game that's ever existed; it's an interactive film that looks better than any movie that's ever been made. No child has failed to sob hysterically at the sight of it."

The PlayStation 5 will be available in stores Nov. 12, 2016, at a list price of 399 New Dollars ($199 Canadian).

TIPS.

Cold And Flu Prevention Tips Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months: * Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible.

* Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate your respiratory system.

* Do not blow your stuffed nose into tissues-this is a myth! Always suck your phlegm into the back of your throat and swallow it in great, goblike mouthfuls.

* You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.

* To prevent infections, have sick people cough into your food. This light "inoculative" dose of germs will boost your body's defenses against a full-blown infection later.

* If you are a sickly, anemic, weak person, you have a higher susceptibility to colds and flu. Try not to be such a pansy-a.s.s.

* Sometimes, a severe respiratory infection will cause the lungs to fill with fluid. If this occurs, flush your lungs repeatedly with boiling hot water to clear them. A hose down your windpipe will help get around the gag reflex.

* Make sure your HMO package covers visits to the Halls Of Medicine.

* The flu is an extremely contagious, life-threatening disease. Flu sufferers should be either shot with a silver bullet or tortured to death by a professionally shriven, church-appointed excruciator.

* To keep warm in the winter, replace your blood with mom's homemade chicken soup. Noodles should be no greater than one millimeter thick to prevent coronary blockage.

* Remember: Your body produces phlegm for a reason. Always save your mucous, and keep it near you in jars at all times.

* Germs generally enter the body through the skin. To protect you from infection, shave yours off.

* Zinc and Vitamin C help fight colds. Vitamin C can be found in oranges, but zinc is a semi-precious metal found only in Africa. If symptoms persist, organize a jungle safari to seek out the fabled Zinc Mines of Sugolahara.