The Acharnians Part 7

MEGARIAN Are you not holding back the salt?

DICAEOPOLIS 'Tis garlic then?

MEGARIAN What! garlic! do you not at every raid grub up the ground with your pikes to pull out every single head?

DICAEOPOLIS What DO you bring then?

MEGARIAN Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries.

DICAEOPOLIS Ah! very well, show me them.

MEGARIAN They are very fine; feel their weight. See! how fat and fine.

DICAEOPOLIS But what is this?

MEGARIAN A SOW, for a certainty.(1)

f(1) Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon (a) word which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs of generation.'

DICAEOPOLIS You say a sow! Of what country, then?

MEGARIAN From Megara. What! is it not a sow then?

DICAEOPOLIS No, I don't believe it is.

MEGARIAN This is too much! what an incredulous man! He says 'tis not a sow; but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else.

DICAEOPOLIS But a sow of the human kind.

MEGARIAN Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed! Well! What think you? will you hear them squeal?

DICAEOPOLIS Well, yes, I' faith, I will.

MEGARIAN Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take you back to the house.

GIRL Wee-wee, wee-wee!

MEGARIAN Is that a little sow, or not?

DICAEOPOLIS Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine fat b.i.t.c.h.

MEGARIAN In five years it will be just like its mother.

DICAEOPOLIS But it cannot be sacrificed.

MEGARIAN And why not?

DICAEOPOLIS It has no tail.(1)

f(1) Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an animal, therefore, without a tail could not be offered.

MEGARIAN Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big one, thick and red.

DICAEOPOLIS The two are as like as two peas.

MEGARIAN They are born of the same father and mother; let them be fattened, let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows you can offer to Aphrodite.

DICAEOPOLIS But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite.

MEGARIAN Not sows to Aphrodite! Why, 'tis the only G.o.ddess to whom they are offered! the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit.

DICAEOPOLIS Can they eat alone? They no longer need their mother!

MEGARIAN Certainly not, nor their father.

DICAEOPOLIS What do they like most?

MEGARIAN Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself.

DICAEOPOLIS Speak! little sow.

DAUGHTER Wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS Can you eat chick-pease?

DAUGHTER Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS And Attic figs?

DAUGHTER Wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS What sharp squeaks at the name of figs. Come, let some figs be brought for these little pigs. Will they eat them? Goodness! how they munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I believe those pigs hail from the land of the Voracians. But surely 'tis impossible they have bolted all the figs!

MEGARIAN Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them.

DICAEOPOLIS Ah! what funny creatures! For what sum will you sell them?

MEGARIAN I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if you like, for a quart measure of salt.

DICAEOPOLIS I buy them of you. Wait for me here.

MEGARIAN The deal is done. Hermes, G.o.d of good traders, grant I may sell both my wife and my mother in the same way!

AN INFORMER Hi! fellow, what countryman are you?

MEGARIAN I am a pig-merchant from Megara.

INFORMER I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies.