Four Early Pamphlets Part 12

_Say, I would speak with him._

[_Exit_ Face.

_Enter_ Subtle.

SUBTLE.

_Come near, sir.--I know you well.--You are my_ terrae fili--_that is--my boy of land--same three thousand pounds a year._

KASTRIL.

_How know you that, old boy?_

SUBTLE.

_I know the subject of your visit, and I'll satisfy you. Let us see now what notion you have of the matter. It is a nice point to broach a quarrel right_.

KASTRIL.

_You lie_.

SUBTLE.

_How now?--give me the lie?--for what, my boy?_

KASTRIL.

_Nay look you to that.--I am beforehand--that's my business_.

SUBTLE.

_Oh, this is not the art of quarrelling--'tis poor and pitiful_!--What, sir, would you restrict the n.o.ble science of debate to the mere lie?--Phaw, that's a paltry trick, that every fool could hit.--A mere Vandal could throw his gantlet, and an Iroquois knock his antagonist down.--No, sir, the art of quarrel is vast and complicated.--Months may worthily be employed in the attainment,--and the exercise affords range for the largest abilities.--To quarrel after the newest and most approved method, is the first of sciences,--the surest test of genius, and the last perfection of civil society.

KASTRIL.

You amaze me. I thought to dash the lie in another's face was the most respectable kind of anger.

SUBTLE.

O lud, sir, you are very ignorant. A man that can only give the lie is not worth the name of quarrelsome--quite tame and spiritless!--No, sir, the angry boy must understand, beside the QUARREL DIRECT--in which I own you have some proficiency--a variety of other modes of attack;--such as, the QUARREL PREVENTIVE--the QUARREL OBSTREPEROUS--the QUARREL SENSITIVE--the QUARREL OBLIQUE--and the QUARREL PERSONAL.

KASTRIL.

O Mr. doctor, that I did but understand half so much of the art of brangling as you do!--What would I give!--Harkee--I'll settle an hundred a year upon you.--But come, go on, go on--

SUBTLE.

O sir! you quite overpower me--why, if you use me thus, you will draw all my secrets from me at once.--I shall almost kick you down stairs the first lecture.

KASTRIL.

How!--Kick me down stairs?--Ware that--Blood and oons, sir!

SUBTLE.

Well, well,--be patient--be patient--Consider, it is impossible to communicate the last touches of the art of petulance, but by fist and toe,--by sword and pistol.

KASTRIL.

Sir, I don't understand you!

SUBTLE.

Enough. We'll talk of that another time.--What I have now to explain is the cool and quiet art of debate--fit to be introduced into the most elegant societies--or the most august a.s.semblies.--You, my angry boy, are in parliament?