Birdsong. Part 29

Stephen sat still for a minute. The last time he had seen Weir had been to push him head first on to the floor of the trench. That had been his final gesture. For some minutes he could think of nothing but Weir's hurt, reproachful expression as he picked the mud from his face.

Yet he had loved him. Weir alone had made the war bearable. Weir's terror under the guns had been a conductor for his own fear, and in his innocent character Stephen had been able to mock the qualities he himself had lost. Weir had been braver by far than he was: he had lived with horror, he had known it every day, and by his strange stubbornness he had defeated it. He had not conceded one day of his service; he had died in the line of battle.

Stephen rested his elbows on the rough wooden table. He felt more lonely than ever in his life before. Only Weir had been with him into the edges of reality where he had lived; only Weir had heard the noise of the sky at Thiepval. He lay on the bed, dry-eyed. Soon after three in the morning the mines went up and shook the bed where he lay. "The explosion will be felt in London," Weir had boasted.

The telephone rang, and Stephen went back to the chair at the desk. Throughout the small hours of the morning he relayed messages. By nine o'clock the Second Army was on the ridge. Elation edged the voices he spoke to: something, at last, had gone right. The mines had been colossal and the infantry, using methods copied from the Canadians, had stormed through. Celebration seeped into the wires.

Stephen was relieved at noon. He lay down on the bed and tried to sleep. He could hear the unrelenting bombardment continue on the German lines. He cursed his fortune that he could not go in behind it. Now, to answer Gray's hypothetical question, now he would have taken life without compunction. He envied the men who could fire down on to the hopeless enemy, men with a chance to sink bayonets into unguarded flesh, men with the opportunity to pour machine-gun bullets into those who had killed his friend. Now he would have gone killing with a light heart. He tried to think that victory on the Ridge would bring pleasure or vindication to Weir, but he could not imagine it. He was merely an absence now. Stephen thought of his puzzled, open face, its chalky skin patched red with blood vessels broken up by drink; he thought of his balding skull and shocked eyes that could not contain his innocence. He thought of the pity of the flesh gone back underground without knowledge of another human body.

All that night and the next day he lay unmoving on the bed. He did not speak when Mountford came back to try to rouse him. He turned away the food that was brought to him. He cursed himself for his last act of impatience toward Weir. He hated the selfishness of his feeling, because he felt more sorry for himself than for his dead friend. He could not help it. Like all the others, he had learned to dismiss death from his thoughts; but he could not shake off the loneliness. Now that Weir was gone there was no one who could understand. He tried to make himself cry, but no tears would come to express his desolation or his love for poor mad Weir. On the third day Colonel Gray came to see him.

"Success at last," he said. "Those tunnellers did a wonderful job. Mind if I sit down, Wraysford?"

Stephen was sitting on the edge of the bed. He had made an effort to stand up and salute when Gray came in, but Gray had waved him back. He gestured to the chair at the table.

Gray crossed his legs and lit a pipe. "The Boche didn't know what hit them. I was never a great believer in the sewer rats, giving the enemy little craters to fortify, but even I would be forced to concede that they did their job this time." He carried on talking about the attack for a few minutes, apparently taking no notice of the fact that Stephen did not reply.

"Our chaps were in reserve," he went on. "Not needed. Some of them were a bit disappointed, I do believe." He sucked on the pipe. "Not many, though." Stephen ran his hand back through his unkempt hair. He wondered whether Gray had been sent or whether he had decided of his own accord to visit him.

"Stanforth," said Gray. "He looks like a typical English staff officer, doesn't he? Fat, complacent, ill informed. Forgive me, I have nothing against the English, as you know, Wraysford. The appearance is misleading in his case. He's a very thorough planner. I believe he has saved many lives in this attack."

Stephen nodded. A sense of interest was beginning to penetrate the blankness of his grief; it was like the first, painful sensations of blood returning to a numbed limb.

Gray kept on talking and smoking. "There's a rather delicate matter coming up concerning our n.o.ble French allies. They are experiencing difficulties. A certain, how can one put this, reluctance is spreading. The removal of the das.h.i.+ng General Nivelle has helped. Petain appears a little more thrifty with their lives, but it's alarming. We understand that two-thirds of the army has been concerned in some way, with perhaps one division in five seriously affected."

Stephen was curious to hear what Gray said. The French army had performed better than the British in comparable circ.u.mstances and shown formidable resilience. Mutiny seemed unthinkable.

"Stanforth will ask you and Mountford to go with him. This is a completely informal meeting. The French officers concerned are on leave. It's just something that's been arranged by friends."

"I see," said Stephen. "I'm surprised this is allowed. We hardly ever meet the French."

"Quite," said Gray, with a small smile of triumph. He had made Stephen speak. "It's not allowed. It's just lunch with friends. And while I'm here. You look a b.l.o.o.d.y mess. Get a shave and a bath. I'm sorry about your sapper friend. Now get up."

Stephen looked at him blankly. His body was without energy. His gaze fastened on to the pale irises of Gray's eyes. He tried to draw strength from the older man.

Gray's voice softened when he saw that Stephen was trying to respond. "I know what it means when you're left alone, as though no one else has shared what you have. But you're going to have to proceed, Wraysford. I'm going to recommend you for an MC for your part in the action at the ca.n.a.l. Would you like that?" Stephen stirred again. "No, I certainly would not. You can't give tin stars to people when there are men who gave their lives. For G.o.d's sake." Gray smiled again and Stephen had the feeling as often before that he had been played like an instrument. "Very well. No decoration." Stephen said, "Recommend one, but give it to Ellis or one of those men who died. It might help his mother."

"Yes," said Gray. "Or it might break her heart." Stephen stood up. "I'll go back to headquarters and change."

"Good," said Gray. "If you falter now you'll rob his life of any purpose. Only by seeing it through can you give him rest."

"Our lives lost meaning long ago. You know that. At Beaucourt." Gray swallowed. "Then do it for our children."

Stephen pulled his stiff limbs out from the dugout and into the summer air. When he looked about him to the trees and the buildings that were still standing, and to the sky above them, he could still feel something of the binding love he had experienced in England. He was able to compel himself to act, though he feared that the reality he now inhabited was very fragile.

He wrote to Jeanne almost every day for a time, but then found he had nothing to say. She replied with accounts of her life in Amiens and told him what the French newspapers said about the war.

He went in a car with Stanforth and Mountford to Arras, where they met two French officers called Lallement and Hartmann in a hotel. Lallement, the older of the two, was a plump, worldly man. In peacetime he had been a lawyer attached to the civil service. He ordered numerous wines with lunch and ate several partridge, which he tore apart with his hands. The juice ran down his chin and on to a napkin he had tucked into his collar. Stephen watched in disbelief. The younger officer, Hartmann, was a dark, serious-looking man of perhaps twenty years old. His expression was inscrutable, and he seemed unwilling to say anything that might embarra.s.s his senior officer.

Lallement talked mostly about hunting and wildlife. Stephen translated for the benefit of Major Stanforth, who surveyed the Frenchman with some suspicion. Mountford, who could speak French, asked him about morale in the French army. Lallement a.s.sured him, as he wiped the gravy from his chin, that it had seldom been better.

After lunch Lallement questioned Stanforth, through Stephen, about his family in England. They had a friend in common, an elderly Frenchwoman who was related to Stanforth's wife. From there Lallement turned his questioning to the British army and how they viewed the state of the war. Stanforth was surprisingly frank in his replies and Stephen found himself tempted to censor them. He presumed Stanforth knew best, and in any case Mountford might have noticed any alterations.

Stephen, who was not used to intelligence-gathering operations, even such informal ones, wondered when they were going to find out about the collapse of French morale and the extent to which its armies were affected. By teatime he had given a detailed account of the movements of most of the divisions in their part of the BEF and a picture of the low state of the men's spirits, which successes at Vimy and Messines had lifted only for a time. Depression had begun to sink into the army's bones, particularly among those who knew of the prospects of the major offensive at Ypres.

Lallement wiped his mouth finally on his napkin and suggested they go to a bar that a friend had told him about near the main square. They stayed till ten o'clock, when Stephen was dispatched to find the driver of Stanforth's car. He found him asleep on the back seat. By the time they said good-bye to the French it had started to rain. Stephen looked back at Lallement and Hartmann standing together beneath the dripping colonnade.

He visited Jeanne again in August and September. They went for walks about the town, though he resisted her suggestion that they should spend an afternoon in the water gardens.

She told him she was worried by his listlessness. It was as though he had given up hope and was allowing himself to drift. He said it was hard not to, when the att.i.tude of the people at home to what they had endured was one of indifference.

"Then be strong for my sake," she said. "I am not indifferent to what happens to you or to any of your friends. I am not impatient. I will wait for you." He was encouraged by her. He told her what he had felt when he was on leave in England, when he had stood by the field.

Jeanne said, "You see! There is a G.o.d, there is a purpose to it all. But you must be strong."

She took his hand and held it tightly. He looked at her pale, imploring face.

"Do it for my sake," she said. "Go back, go where they ask you. You are lucky. You will survive."

"I feel guilty that I have survived when all the others are gone." He returned to brigade headquarters. He did not want to be on the staff. He wanted to be back with the men in the trenches.

He managed only to exist.

His life became grey and thin, like a light that might at any moment be extinguished; it was filled with quietness.

ENGLAND 1978-79--PART FIVE.

"Any progress?" said Elizabeth to Irene during her weekly visit.

"Not really," said Irene. "He says it's proving more difficult than he thought. He's still working at it, but your grandad seems to have covered his tracks pretty well."

Two months had pa.s.sed since Elizabeth had given Bob the diary and she decided she would have to find other ways of making contact with the past. From his officer's handbook she discovered which regiment her grandfather had been in, and attempted to trace its headquarters.

After a series of telephone calls and unreturned messages she found that the regiment had ceased to exist ten years earlier, when it had been amalgamated with another. The headquarters was in Buckinghams.h.i.+re, where Elizabeth drove one Sat.u.r.day afternoon.

She was met with suspicion. Her car was searched thoroughly for bombs and she was made to wait for an hour before a young man eventually came to see her. He was the first soldier Elizabeth had ever met. She was surprised by how unmilitary he seemed. He had the att.i.tude of most clerks and small officials: regimental doc.u.ments were held somewhere, hard to reach, confidential; there was not much chance.

"The thing is, you see," said Elizabeth, "that my grandfather fought in this war and I would like to find out more about it. People don't always appreciate what sacrifices were made for them--still are made for them--by the armed forces. All I would need is a list of names of people in his... battalion, company, whatever it was. I'm sure an organization as efficient as the army must keep good records, mustn't it?"

"I'm sure everything's in order. It's a question of access. And confidentiality, as I've explained."

They were sitting in a little wooden guardhouse near the main gate. The corporal folded his arms. He had a pale, unhealthy-looking complexion and short brown hair.

Elizabeth smiled again. "Do you smoke?" She held the packet across the table.

"I'll tell you what I'll do," he said, leaning across to accept a light. "I can let you have a look at the regimental history. That should give you some names at least. Then you can follow it up from there. Of course, I don't suppose there's many of them still alive."

"We must waste no time then," said Elizabeth.

"You wait here. I'll have to go and get you a pa.s.s."

He left the room and a very young man with a rifle came to stand guard, in case, it seemed to Elizabeth, she should attack.

The corporal gave her a piece of card with a safety pin, which she attached to her chest, and took her inside a large brick building. He let her into a room with a plain deal table and two hard chairs. It looked to Elizabeth like the kind of place in which interrogations took place. He handed her a heavy volume bound in red cloth and stood in the corner watching her as she leafed through it.

Prominent among the names revealed by the regimental history was that of a Captain, later Colonel, Gray. Elizabeth wrote down various other names on an envelope that was in her bag. There was apparently no chance of the corporal's finding, let alone revealing, any addresses. She thanked him effusively and drove back to London.

That evening she rang Bob to see if he had made any progress with the notebook. She said, "I've got a few names of people I think must have been in it with him, but I've no idea how to get in touch with them. There's someone called Gray, who seems to have been important, but he must be incredibly old if he's still alive."

She heard Bob whistling pensively at the other end. "Have you thought of _Who's Who?' _he said. "If this Gray got some sort of medal or went on to do something in civilian life he might be in there."

Elizabeth found a three-year-old copy of _Who's Who _in the public library in Porchester Road and worked her way through the details of the fifty-two Grays included. They had distinguished themselves in a range of business activities and public service but few of them had even been born before 1918. Over the page was one last Gray.

"GRAY, William Allan McKenzie," she read. "Senior consultant Queen Alexandra's Hospital, Edinburgh, 1932-48. fo Calcutta 18 Sept 1887, s of Thomas McKenzie Gray and Maisie Maclennan; _m _1920 Joyce Amelia Williams _d _of Dr A R Williams; one s one _d. _Educ: Thomas Campbell College, St. Andrew's University, BSC 1909." Her eye ran on down the small print until it came to the words "Served War of 191418." The details tallied. At the foot of the entry was an address and telephone number in Lanarks.h.i.+re. The only problem was that the book was three years old, and even then he had been, Elizabeth calculated... eighty-eight.

As she had remarked to the corporal, there was no time to waste. She hurried back to her flat and made for the telephone. It rang before she could get to it.

"h.e.l.lo."

"It's me."

"What?"

"Stuart."

"Oh, Stuart. How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Oh, you know. Fine, thanks. Quite busy." Elizabeth paused so that Stuart could tell her why he had rung. He said nothing, so she chattered a bit more. Still he said nothing when it was his turn to speak. Eventually she said, "Well. Was there something, you know... in particular?"

"I didn't know I needed a reason to ring." He sounded affronted. "I just rang for a chat."

It was not the first time he had rung for a chat and then said nothing. Perhaps he was shy, Elizabeth thought, as she talked on about what she had been doing. She found it difficult to say good-bye to people without at least pretending that they would soon be meeting, and she found by the time she put the receiver down that she had invited Stuart to dinner.

"You must come round some time," she said .7 "Must I?" he said. "When?"

"Well... G.o.d. What about Sat.u.r.day?"

It didn't matter. She liked him. She would have time to cook something. Meanwhile she pulled the envelope from her bag and started to dial the Scottish number.

As her finger returned to zero she pictured a cold, grey farmhouse in Lanarks.h.i.+re where an ancient telephone would ring thunderously on the hall table and a very old man would have to lever himself from an armchair several rooms away and make painful progress down the corridor, only to be confronted with a complete stranger asking him questions about a war he had fought in sixty years ago.

It was ridiculous. Her nerve failed her and she cut the connection. She went into the kitchen and poured some gin over three ice cubes and a slice of lemon. She added a dribble of tonic, lit a cigarette, and went back into the sitting room.

What was it all for? She wanted to find out what had happened to her grandfather so that she could... what? Understand more about herself? Be able to tell her notional children about their heritage? Perhaps it was just a whim, but she was determined. The worst that could result from the telephone call was embarra.s.sment. It didn't seem a very fearful price.

She dialled again, and heard the number ring. Eight, nine, ten times it rang. Fourteen, fifteen. Surely even the lamest old man would by now have--"h.e.l.lo?" It was a woman's voice. For some reason Elizabeth was surprised.

"Oh, is that... is that Mrs. Gray?"

"Speaking." The voice had a slight Edinburgh accent. It sounded distant and very old. Joyce Amelia.

"I'm very sorry to bother you. My name is Elizabeth Benson. I have a rather peculiar request. My grandfather fought in the same company as your husband in the First World War and I'm trying to find out something about him." Mrs. Gray said nothing. Elizabeth wondered if she had heard.

"I know it's a very odd thing to ask," she said. "And I really am sorry to trouble you. I just didn't know who else to ring. h.e.l.lo? Are you there?"

"Yes. I'll go and fetch my husband. You'll have to be patient. And do speak up. He's a wee bit deaf."

Elizabeth felt her palms p.r.i.c.kle with nervous excitement as Mrs. Gray set down the receiver with a heavy Bakelite thud. She pictured it lying on the hall table, beneath the draughty wooden staircase. She waited for a minute, then another minute. Eventually a quavery but loud voice came on the line.

Elizabeth explained again. Gray could not hear her, so she went through it for a third time, shouting out her grandfather's name.

"What do you want to know about all that for? Good heavens, it was years ago." He sounded annoyed.

"I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be a nuisance, it's just that I'm anxious to get in touch with someone who knew him and to find out what he was like." Gray made a snorting sound at the other end.

"Do you remember him? Did you fight with him?"

"Yes, I remember."

"What was he like?"

"Like? Like? What was he like? G.o.d knows. You don't want to go into all that now."

"But I do. Please. I really need to know."

There were more noises from Gray's end of the line. Eventually he said, "Dark-haired. Tall. He was an orphan or something. He was superst.i.tious. Is that the chap?"

"I don't know!" Elizabeth found herself bellowing. She wondered if Mrs. Kyriades was enjoying the conversation through the wall. "I want you to tell me!"

"Wraysford. G.o.d... " There was some more snorting. Then Gray said, "He was a strange man. I do remember him. He was a tremendous fighter. Quite unbelievable nerve. He never seemed very happy about it. Something worried him." Elizabeth said, "Was he a kind man, was he a good friend to the other men?" She did not think she had the army terminology right, but it was the best she could do.

"Kind? Dear me." Gray seemed to be laughing. "Self-contained I would say."

"Was he... funny?"

"Funny? It was a war! What an extraordinary question."

"But did he have a sense of humour, do you think?"