Lysistrata Part 9

And so you view the result. Observe my case-- I, a magistrate, come here to draw Money to buy oar-blades, and what happens?

The women slam the door full in my face.

But standing still's no use. Bring me a crowbar, And I'll chastise this their impertinence.

What do you gape at, wretch, with dazzled eyes?

Peering for a tavern, I suppose.

Come, force the gates with crowbars, prise them apart!

I'll prise away myself too.... (LYSISTRATA _appears._)

LYSISTRATA

Stop this banging.

I'm coming of my own accord.... Why bars?

It is not bars we need but common sense.

MAGISTRATE

Indeed, you s.l.u.t! Where is the archer now?

Arrest this woman, tie her hands behind.

LYSISTRATA

If he brushes me with a finger, by Artemis, The public menial, he'll be sorry for it.

MAGISTRATE

Are you afraid? Grab her about the middle.

Two of you then, lay hands on her and end it.

CALONICE

By Pandrosos I if your hand touches her I'll spread you out and trample on your guts.

MAGISTRATE

My guts! Where is the other archer gone?

Bind that minx there who talks so prettily.

MYRRHINE

By Phosphor, if your hand moves out her way You'd better have a surgeon somewhere handy.

MAGISTRATE

You too! Where is that archer? Take that woman.

I'll put a stop to these surprise-parties.

STRATYLLIS

By the Tauric Artemis, one inch nearer My fingers, and it's a bald man that'll be yelling.

MAGISTRATE

Tut tut, what's here? Deserted by my archers....

But surely women never can defeat us; Close up your ranks, my Scythians. Forward at them.

LYSISTRATA

By the G.o.ddesses, you'll find that here await you Four companies of most pugnacious women Armed cap-a-pie from the topmost louring curl To the lowest angry dimple.

MAGISTRATE

On, Scythians, bind them.

LYSISTRATA

On, gallant allies of our high design, Vendors of grain-eggs-pulse-and-vegetables, Ye garlic-tavern-keepers of bakeries, Strike, batter, knock, hit, slap, and scratch our foes, Be finely imprudent, say what you think of them....

Enough! retire and do not rob the dead.

MAGISTRATE

How basely did my archer-force come off.

LYSISTRATA

Ah, ha, you thought it was a herd of slaves You had to tackle, and you didn't guess The thirst for glory ardent in our blood.

MAGISTRATE

By Apollo, I know well the thirst that heats you-- Especially when a wine-skin's close.

MEN

You waste your breath, dear magistrate, I fear, in answering back.

What's the good of argument with such a rampageous pack?

Remember how they washed us down (these very clothes I wore) With water that looked nasty and that smelt so even more.

WOMEN

What else to do, since you advanced too dangerously nigh.

If you should do the same again, I'll punch you in the eye.

Though I'm a stay-at-home and most a quiet life enjoy, Polite to all and every (for I'm naturally coy), Still if you wake a wasps' nest then of wasps you must beware.

MEN

How may this ferocity be tamed? It grows too great to bear.

Let us question them and find if they'll perchance declare The reason why they strangely dare To seize on Cranaos' citadel, This eyrie inaccessible, This shrine above the precipice, The Acropolis.

Probe them and find what they mean with this idle talk; listen, but watch they don't try to deceive.

You'd be neglecting your duty most certainly if now this mystery unplumbed you leave.

MAGISTRATE