Redemption Series: Redemption Part 13

Is that it, Lord? You'll bring beauty from the ashes of our love? Restore the crumbling foundations?

My grace is sufficient.

Her heart filled with a deep grat.i.tude and peace, the kind she hadn't felt since before Tim's announcement.

Cole's cla.s.s was filling up, and Noreen tapped her foot. "If you can't answer me I understand." The tapping stopped. "I'm here for you, Kari. Call me, okay? I'm listed."

Kari gave a quick shake of her head as if she'd suddenly realized she hadn't answered Noreen's question. "I'm sorry. It's a long story."

Noreen leaned close one last time. "So ... are you ... you know, does he want a divorce?"

Kari forced a smile. "He doesn't know what he wants." She remembered the Lord's persistent whisperings from a moment ago. "But G.o.d's in control of our marriage.

I really believe everything will be fine."

There seemed to be nothing left for Noreen to ask, and she shrugged. "I'll pray for you." She paused and looked more serious than before. "I don't know your situation, but I can tell you this. Whatever your trouble, you're doing the right thing. G.o.d can clean up even the worst problems, you know? Your marriage could be better than you ever dreamed, better than before this happened." She squeezed Kari's hand. "Don't give up, Kari. Please."

Kari wasn't sure what to say. Ever since Tim left she'd been longing to hear those exact words. You're doing the right thing.

99 G.o.d can clean up even the worst problems ... don't give up. Funny that now they would come from this annoying woman, this long-ago friend who didn't have a clue about Kari or Tim or their marriage.

Kari's heart softened in grat.i.tude. "Thanks."

Kari glanced at her watch as she headed for the sanctuary. The last thing she wanted was to walk in late after missing so many weeks.

She spotted her father and headed toward him, trying to ward off the sadness welling within her. She had planned on feeling hopeful at this point, surrounded by church family, about to hear Pastor Mark's message-especially after Noreen's encouragement.

But as she took her seat beside her father, she could think of only one thing.

Somewhere across town in an off-campus apartment bedroom, her husband would be waking up in the arms of another woman.

100 100.

101.

Ryan Taylor slipped into the back row of the sanctuary five minutes before the service began and wondered if this would be the day. There was no denying he'd attended this service in hopes of seeing Kari. He'd done little more than think of her since talking with Ashley.

He searched the congregation, knowing he'd recognize the back of her head even in a sea of people. Poor Kari. She must be devastated. Maybe too devastated to make a public appearance at church. He scanned the pews. Lord ... where is she?

His father's favorite verse flashed across his mind: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

Ryan blinked.

The fear of the Lord?

How long had it been since that verse had come to mind? Ryan's gut tightened, and he absently rubbed the back of his neck, the place where football had nearly cost him his life. He knew exactly how long it had been. In November it would be eight years. Eight years since he lay motionless strapped to a hospital bed, 101 102 fearing he'd never find a way out. Fearing G.o.d in a way he'd never done before.

Back then he barely breathed without praying, begging G.o.d for mercy and healing.

But over the years, after the scars from his injury faded, life found a way of gaining ground on his best intentions, taking up more and more time and leaving fewer hours for spending time with G.o.d.

It was simple, really. The urgency was gone.

Ryan let his gaze fall to his hands, and he felt a mantle of conviction settle across his shoulders. Why was the realization hitting him so hard here and now?

Had G.o.d chosen this moment to call him on the months and years of gradual decline, the complacency that resulted in ... well, in the type of spotty church attendance and communication with G.o.d he'd been guilty of since he'd returned to football a year after his injury? Sure, he attended a night service now and then, but his faithdriven pa.s.sion was limping badly.

He felt a sting in his soul, as if the Lord himself were poking needles at his conscience. He winced as he realized the truth. Even today he was there only because of Kari. Thoughts of her, memories of her had consumed him since the moment Ashley had spoken her name.

Kari ... his precious Kari girl. His mind began to drift again, lazily taking him down dusty lakeside paths to a time when a brown-eyed beauty with laughter like wind chimes was his best friend and constant companion, down the trail of years to a place where ...

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Ryan sat up straighter in his seat, jolted from the memories that distracted him. I'm sorry, Lord ... I'm trying.

Huge, holy eyes seemed focused directly on him, penetrating his mind and soul, seeing his thoughts and motives and intentions. His very heart.

He opened his bulletin and looked at the sermon t.i.tle on the top left page. As he read the words, he could feel the blood leaving 103 his face, the slight trembling in his fingers. Whatever was happening, G.o.d had him here for a reason-and somehow Ryan doubted it had anything to do with Kari.

The sermon t.i.tle was "The Fear of the Lord Is the Beginning." Ryan closed his eyes and began to pray.

As soon as Kari took her seat, her father leaned over and put his hand gently on her knee.

"You made it."

She smiled. "Barely." A weariness settled over her. It had been harder than she thought, telling Noreen why she was alone, admitting out loud that she and Tim were having problems. She slid down in her seat and leaned on her father, trying to soak in some of his strength and stability.

The wors.h.i.+p music began, but Kari couldn't bring herself to sing along. Instead, she stared at the song sheet and let her mind wander. When exactly was the first time Tim had cheated on her? Was he such a good pretender that she hadn't even noticed? Or had she suspected even last spring that things weren't what they'd once been? that something was wrong?

I didn't want to see it....

Kari blinked, and two tears fell to the paper in her hands. The music stopped, and she looked up as two dozen children filed across the steps of the stage.

They wriggled and giggled and squirmed about until an older woman got their attention.

Noreen's daughter was probably up there, and as Kari scanned the group, she saw the children of several old friends. Her hand moved firmly over her lower abdomen. What about me, Lord? Am I really pregnant? Will I have to raise a child alone?

The music started, and the children began to sing a song that had been Kari's favorite ever since they'd sung it at a retreat when she was sixteen years old: "Jesus loves me, this I know...."

Ryan Taylor had been on the retreat too. They'd sat side by 104 side as the speaker explained the options Christ might have if he were to get one of them face-to-face in a room alone. Kari closed her eyes as the children continued to sing, and she could still hear the retreat speaker's voice.

"He could yell at you and tell you how badly you've messed up, order you to get things right, and then hand out some sort of punishment." The speaker had been pa.s.sionate, walking back and forth across the stage as the teens sat spellbound.

"Or he could shake his head and tell you what a disappointment you've been."

Then the speaker's voice had grown quiet as he stood still, only his eyes moving deliberately about the room, making contact with as many teens as he could. He pointed at a teen in the front row and asked him to come onto the stage.

Surprised and a little unsure, the boy hopped up and at the speaker's direction stood facing the man.

"You know what Jesus would do instead?" The speaker's voice was softer than it had been all night. Slowly, lovingly, he put his arms around the boy's shoulders and pulled him into a long embrace. When the speaker drew back, he kept one arm around the boy as he led the group in what became the theme song for the retreat.

"Jesus loves me, this I know...."

Every teen in the room had been crying that night, and Kari had glanced over to see tears trickling down Ryan's cheeks as well.

The visual effect of that scene, combined with the simple message of the song, had stayed with Kari every day since. Even now, with her world upside down and her heart hanging heavy within her, Kari didn't for a minute doubt Christ's love. She sniffed softly, and her mother reached over and handed her a tissue.

Kari lifted her eyes just long enough to thank her. Pastor Mark began his sermon. Kari knew she should be listening, but she still couldn't get beyond the thoughts that vied for her attention. What would she do if Tim was really serious about a 105 divorce? Could he do it without her consent? Would a baby change things? And even if it did, could she raise a child with a man who seemed to have abandoned his faith along with his marriage?

What's going to happen to me, Lord? Where do I go from here? Once again she was overwhelmed by a strong sense of comfort, as if the Lord had slipped into the pew beside her and put his arms around her. Just like the picture the retreat speaker had painted so many years earlier.

The sermon was winding up-something about the fear of G.o.d and not running away-and before she could force herself . to think clearly, Pastor Mark was praying. "Lord, I know there are people with us today who are hurting and in trouble. I believe you've brought them here for a reason." In the background, the pianist began playing a slow, haunting arrangement of "Jesus Loves Me."

Pastor Mark continued his prayer over the music. "Father, help us hear you more clearly. Help us have a healthy fear of your power, that whatever you call us to do, we can do it in your strength." Kari kept her eyes closed, her face downward, trying to hear what the Lord might be saying to her.

"We have the prayer room open now." He paused, and Kari felt as if he were speaking directly to her. "This is one of those times when you have a choice.

You can hear G.o.d and ignore him, or hear him and do what he's asking. We're all in this together, people. Come and let someone pray with you."

From the back of the church, Ryan felt like a man who'd just had is sight adjusted. The sermon was strong, pointing out the truth that G.o.d is not only Savior and Friend and Prince of Peace but also the Almighty One. He is powerful and just-a G.o.d to be feared, respected, held in awe. So gripping were Pastor Mark's 106 words that thoughts of Kari had been pushed from Ryan's mind. If she was in the service, he hadn't seen her. And now, with his heart broken wide open by the message, he knew that was a good thing.

He still had no idea why G.o.d had chosen this morning to get his attention after his years of mediocre faith. But Ryan knew without a doubt he was here for a reason, as if he'd shown up for a divine appointment. And when the pastor called for people to come up for prayer, for the first time since Ryan had given his life to Jesus, he was on his feet and headed down the aisle before he had time to change his mind.

Though her eyes were closed, Kari could feel tears trickling down her face and onto her hands. If only she could get past her shame and go forward. But even from where she was sitting, near the front of the church, the walk seemed a mile long. Too far to go by herself, crying and alone, without the help of a husband who no longer loved her. A husband living a life of adultery.

Go, daughter . . . where two or more are gathered, there I am.

Kari adjusted her position and hunched over her legs, her face in her hands. I won't know what to say, Lord.

Her dad seemed to understand that G.o.d was working on her heart, and he gently elbowed her ribs, nudging her, encouraging her to heed the only voice that mattered.

The pianist continued.

"They are weak, but he is strong.... Yes, Jesus loves me, yes" Kari squeezed her eyes shut and wiped her cheeks as well as she could. Then she stood up and made her way into the prayer room with the strongest sense that she was no longer alone.

She saw him the moment she walked in-Ryan Taylor sitting in a prayer circle holding hands with the Millers, an elderly couple 107 who'd been at the church as far back as Kari could remember. The three of them were the only ones in the room, and Ryan was explaining something to them in hushed tones when he spotted her.

"Kari ..." Their eyes locked, and he was on his feet, moving out of the circle and then stopping short of her, his hand stretched in her direction.

Something in Ryan's eyes, a depth that she couldn't quite define, told her he knew about Tim. She reminded herself to exhale and politely nodded in his direction. What am I supposed to do now, G.o.d? I can't talk about Tim in front of My grace is sufficient.

"Why ... Kari. It's so good to see you, dear." Mrs. Miller stood up and pulled Kari into a hug. When she drew back, she studied Kari's face. "Honey, you look like you need some good praying."

She led Kari by the hand back to the circle and directed her to an empty chair next to Ryan's. Mr. Miller smiled sympathetically. "You two kids haven't been in the same prayer circle since high school, I reckon."

Kari's heart slammed at the inside of her chest, and she had no idea what to say. The nearness of Ryan Taylor made her mouth dry, her thoughts jumbled. Help me, G.o.d. Why'd you bring me here if he was going to b here. Miller cleared his throat. "Ryan's asked us to pray for his focus." The older man smiled at Ryan.

"That he'll have a healthier fear of G.o.d and get his priorities straight."

Priorities straight? Kari wondered what would send Ryan to the prayer room to seek prayer about his priorities. She forced herself to concentrate as Mr.

Miller looked from Ryan's face to hers. "Kari?"

This couldn't be happening. She couldn't be asking for prayer for her failing marriage seated next to Ryan Taylor. "Umm..." Her eyes stayed fixed on a spot near the door. She couldn't say it, couldn't spell out the fact that her husband was cheating on her.

107.

108.

Fresh tears burned their way down her cheeks, and she could feel her heart pounding in her temples.

Help me, Lord ... please.

She exhaled slowly and found a supernatural strength within. What did it matter if Ryan knew about her and Tim? She'd gotten her answer about Ryan's feelings for her a long time ago.

Ryan Taylor did not love her; he never had. Not the way she'd dreamed of back when she was sixteen and he was heading off to college.

And Ryan was beside the point anyway. Tim was her husband, the man G.o.d wanted her to stay with. She lifted her eyes and looked first at Mr. Miller, then at his wife. "Please ... pray for my marriage." Her gaze drifted down again. "I love my husband very much and ... well, he doesn't want to be married anymore."

A soft gasp escaped from Mrs. Miller as she reached out and took hold of both Kari's hands. "Child ... I'm so sorry."

Kari could feel Ryan looking at her, but she refused to meet his gaze. This moment wasn't about her and Ryan. It was about hearing the voice of G.o.d and knowing that this place, this circle of prayer was where she needed to be.

Sitting among church family, lifting up the shreds of her tattered marriage to the only One who had power enough to fix it.

If Ryan Taylor was part of that prayer circle, so be it. She could use all the prayer she could get.

Silence hung in the room for a moment, and then Mr. Miller bowed his head and reached out his hands-one to his wife and one to Ryan. Mrs. Miller let go of Kari's left hand and took hold of her husband's.

The circle was intact except for the place where Kari and Ryan sat. From the corner of her eye she saw Ryan raise his hand in her direction, and she took it without hesitating. As she felt the warmth of his stronger, larger hand in hers, a piece of her heart began to melt.

Noreen and Ashley and Brooke had peppered her with questions, but not Ryan.

109 Even if they had been the only two in the room, he would have let her talk and then simply taken her hand. It was what he'd always done even back when they were kids. As if he didn't need her to fill in the missing places of a conversation because he already knew what they were.

They had been that close.

Long before she loved him and imagined that he loved her, Ryan had been her friend-maybe the best friend she ever had. Now, with her hand in his and his strong presence beside her, she remembered why.

Mr. Miller led the prayer, pleading with G.o.d to help Ryan remain clearheaded and focused and aware that the fear of the Lord was the beginning of wisdom. For Kari he prayed that G.o.d would change Tim's heart, that he would remind Tim of the height from which he'd fallen, and that the Lord himself would quickly and miraculously restore their marriage.