Beautifully Broken: If You Leave Part 18

They are sitting hunched together like they are facing the world together, each face streaked with tears. I stare at them for a minute, unable to look away, until the mom looks up at me and meets my gaze. There is such utter pain in her eyes that it makes my heart hurt. Something horrible has happened to them and I know that feeling.

Unbidden, memories from the day my parents died come back to me, flooding through me as I stand limply in front of the steel doors of the elevator.

Mila's phone call, her sobbing voice.

Me, standing in New York City as my world crashed down.

Flying home.

Picking out caskets.

Choosing flowers.

Hymns.

Verses.

The overwhelming grief that made it so hard to function, so hard to even swallow or breathe.

The guilt.

The guilt.

The guilt.

Knowing that I hated my father for hurting my mother, but still loving him anyway.

Feeling like I was abandoning my mother for loving him, but then remembering that she loved him too. Pa.s.sionately and completely.

Which is why she stayed.

That day, that one day, changed me forever. It taught me that everything you love, everyone you love, even if you love them and hate them at the same time, can be taken away in a moment and there isn't anything you can do to change it.

It made me helpless. Powerless. And I hate that feeling with every ounce of my being.

"Miss?"

A hesitant voice breaks into my thoughts and I look up, startled, to find a woman holding the elevator for me.

"Do you need to go up?" she asks, her kind eyes flitting over my face. I nod, unable to speak because somehow that f.u.c.king lump is back in my throat. The same lump that was there when we buried my parents.

I step quickly into the elevator, leaning against the back wall as I try to breathe deep, to swallow.

Mila's not going to die. I'm completely overreacting. Yet I can't stop my feet from practically flying down the hall to get to her, to make sure she's all right, to make sure something catastrophic didn't happen to her while I was gone.

Because I left her. I left her back then when I moved to New York and I left her now.

But when I throw open the door, she's still sleeping peacefully, curled on her side, her hand cupped to her face.

My stomach tightens. I can't lose Mila. She's been through too much not to have a happy ending. And if I lost her now, I don't know what it would do to me.

I know that much is true.

I collapse into the chair next to her and drop the magazines onto the floor. I'm content to sit here and stew in my worry.

Minutes turn into hours and before I know it, Pax bursts into the room.

I glance at the clock. It's barely eight p.m. He's thirty minutes early. I have no idea how he managed to make it so fast, considering he had to drive from the airport in Chicago to Angel Bay. He must've broken some land-speed records of his own.

"How is she?" he asks worriedly as he pulls up the chair on the other side of the bed. "I got here as fast as I could." His handsome face is ashen as he takes in the full picture of his wife, small and pale in the bed. "Oh my G.o.d. I can't believe this. What did the doctor say? What caused this?"

I explain what the doctor said, and with every word Pax's face gets paler and paler.

"This could actually threaten her life?" he finally whispers.

I nod. "If the placenta ruptures from the side of her uterus, yes. That's why she's got to stay in bed. The more she stands up, the more the force of gravity will pull on the weight of her uterus and could cause the abruption. She's got to have complete rest."

"Don't worry," Pax says firmly. "She won't be moving. Not until the baby is born."

"It's going to be a long couple months," I tell him. "But between us, we've got to keep her still."

"If we have to tie her down, we will," he says. At his words, Mila opens her eyes.

"That won't be necessary," she says softly, smiling at her husband. "I'll stay in bed. And everything will be OK. Madison already promised."

"Oh, because Madison's in control of that?" Pax smiles back at his wife, bending to kiss her forehead.

My stomach tightens again at their obvious tenderness for each other. It's practically palpable. I've never seen anyone love each other as much as they do, and while I'm happy for Mila, it makes me feel so very alone.

"You know she'd never let anything hurt me." Mila nods, grinning. "Seriously, I have faith. Everything is going to be fine."

"You're right," Pax agrees. "You're going to be fine. And the baby is too."

They curl up together with Pax half on the bed and half on his chair, his arms encircling Mila as if to protect her from the world.

Pax is a protector. Mila's protector.

It's a sight that causes that freaking lump to immediately form back in my throat, both because it's heartwarming and because I'd like to have what they have... a pure and perfect love for each other.

And someone to protect me from everything that might hurt me.

Someone like Gabe.

Oh my G.o.d. I've got to get out of here before I embarra.s.s myself.

I stand up and they both look up at me, their cheeks pink and warm from being cuddled together.

"I'm going to head home and shower since Pax is here now. I want to wash off the hospital smell. If you guys need anything, just give me a call. I'll come out to the house tomorrow to check on you, Mi." I bend down and kiss her cheek. "I love you. You're going to be fine."

"I know," she tells me confidently. "I love you too."

I walk through the hospital woodenly as all my emotions come down on me, the fear that Mila could lose her baby, the worry for Mila herself... and the overwhelming loneliness that encompa.s.ses me right now.

I don't even realize until I've reached my car that tears are streaming down my cheeks.

Chapter Eleven.

My house has never seemed so empty or quiet.

And I have never been quite so alone.

Jacey is covering for me at the Hill because there was no way that I could've left Mila to go to work. But now, as I sit all alone on my patio with a bottle of wine, I wish that Jacey were here with me instead. I'm stuck here by myself, with only my worries for company.

They're bad freaking company.

I take a sip of wine and stare at the sky, watching the storm clouds roll in, heavy and dark.

I stare at my winegla.s.s and remember when my mother bought it, and decide that I need to buy my own freaking gla.s.sware.

I stare at the sand behind the house, noticing the way it's packed down, hard and damp.

I glance back at my watch and find that's it's only been one minute since the last time I looked at it.

I'm pathetic. I'm sitting here wallowing in my fear and worry and misery and it's ridiculous. I can't keep doing this tonight.

Just as I'm getting up to find something else to do to keep my mind occupied, my doorbell rings. For one split second, I'm panicked that it is bad news about Mila. And then I realize that's stupid. If something happened, Pax would call. Not send someone.

I open the door and am startled to find Gabriel standing in front of me.

He's strikingly s.e.xy in his ever-present snug T-s.h.i.+rt and I somehow feel a marked sense of relief just at the mere sight of him.

He grins at me, holding up a silver tube of my lipstick.

"You left this in my car. I figured it must've rolled out of your purse. Since it's not really my color, I figured I should return it."

I reach for it and he deposits it in my hand, and when he does, the warmth of his hand transfers to my own. It's the touch I've been thinking about for days: his strength, his power.

He smiles at me and I try to smile back, but I suddenly can't.

My stomach clenches and a tear runs down my cheek.

Then another.

Gabe's face sobers up and his eyes are veiled as he looks at me, a.s.sessing me.

"Are you all right?" Gabe asks, concerned as he stares at me, as his eyes search for what is wrong. He takes a step toward me, then stops. "Are you?" he repeats hesitantly.

I stand limply in front of him, an empty sh.e.l.l, but I nod.

"Yes. Maybe. I don't know. Would you like a gla.s.s of wine? I really don't want to be alone." My eyes burn, but I manage to get the words out.

Gabe looks at me, his stormy eyes focused on my face.

"Of course," he finally answers. He doesn't even say that he prefers beer and I know that he does.

He takes my arm as I lead him through the house to the terrace. His hand is gentle, and strong, and warm on my elbow. I revel in the feel of it, in the warmth of his fingers, and I hate the coldness when he pulls it away. But we're on the terrace now, so he steps back, watching me, hesitant.

He's waiting.

He doesn't know what I want.

It's lightly raining now, but neither of us acknowledges it. I pour him a gla.s.s of wine and hand it to him with shaking fingers. I see the crimson liquid splash upward against the side of the gla.s.s, sliding back down into a pool. In my head I see the crimson blood running down Mila's legs and I cringe, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to block it out.

"Maddy," he says uncertainly, his voice deep and husky. "What happened? What's wrong?"

I open my eyes and am distracted by the shape of his mouth, by the slant, by the full but firm lips. The lips I've thought about for days. The lips that licked me from his fingers.

I swallow, then I lift my fingers and trace his lips, sliding my fingertips over the softness. He stands still, completely still, as he waits to see what I'm going to do. As his dark eyes find mine, I decide that for this moment, I don't care what his issues are.

This isn't a game anymore, if it ever really was.

"Maddy," he murmurs quietly, but firmer this time, his eyes frozen on mine even as he remains still. "Tell me what's wrong with you."

"I've just had a bad day. And I need you to make it good again."

He stares at me in shock. I can't blame him.

Confusion fills Gabriel's eyes as he stands there facing me, not sure of what to do.

So I show him.

Reaching up, I press my lips softly to his, tentative at first, enjoying the taste of salt that lingers there, loving the way his chest is so rock-solid beneath my fingers.

The kiss is so soft, so gentle; barely there. But the intensity of having wanted it for days makes it fierce. His lips ignite a fire that flashes through my mouth and down into my chest and buries itself between my legs.

It roars to life there, burning bright, the flames licking up into the rest of me.

Gabriel's strong arms automatically close around me as I deepen the kiss, plunging my tongue desperately into his mouth, tangling with his. I glance up and his dark eyes are open, staring into mine.

"Are you sure you're OK?" he asks against my lips, almost desperately. I nod.