Airhead: Being Nikki Part 5

Well, if He hadnt, Rebecca said, maybe the world wouldnt be such an effed-up mess. How was the shoot in St. John?

Fine, I said. Except for the part where I nearly tore off most of the skin on my fingers and toes, clinging to this cliff. Oh, and where Brandon Stark wanted to stay an extra day to take me Jet Skiing. I think someone is letting money and fame go to his head.

Id crossed Houston, and was walking past the Stark Megastore where, ironically enough, all of this had happened to me.

Brandon Stark is worth thirty million. Rebecca sounded like she was inhaling. At least. A billion when his father croaks. Maybe more. Breaking up with him was a big mistake.

Ill keep that in mind. I take it back about Rebecca being like a mom. No mom would give the kind of advice she does. Which reminded me. Rebecca, have you heard anything from Nik"I mean, my mom?

Why would I hear anything from that woman? Rebecca asked. She said that woman like Nikkis mom wasnt someone she liked.

Because, I said. Apparently, shes missing. No ones heard from her in three months, and people back in, um, Gasper are starting to worry maybe somethings happened to her.

Well, Rebecca said. Your mother was never the sharpest knife in the drawer. Chances are, she went up to Atlantic City to play c.r.a.ps and got lost.

Oh, I said. Good to know. For some reason, I didnt mention Nikkis brother. I dont know why. I just didnt.

It didnt matter, I guess, because Rebecca had already moved on.

But about why Im calling, she said. So, listen. Are you sitting down?

No. Im walking Cosabella. I didnt tell her I was really on the way to see my family. Thats the last thing Id mention to Rebecca. Because she doesnt know about my real family. Or the real me.

Well, I just got the call from Robert Stark himselfThe nationally televised Stark Angels New Years fas.h.i.+on show is going to be shot at the newly constructed Stark Sound Studios in Midtown, live on New Years Eveand they want you to be the Angel wearing the ten-million-dollar diamond bra. Apparently, its just your size. Giselle dropped out due to a contract dispute. Could you die? Nikki? Nik?

I stumbled over a grate in the sidewalk and nearly dropped my phone. A couple who were hurrying by, as anxious to get out of the rain as I was, barely gave me a second glance, even though my image was in every window of the store next to us, blown up to ten feet tall. Nikki Howard in a trench coat, Nikki Howard in a bikini, Nikki Howard in an evening gown, Nikki Howard in a summer dress, Nikki Howard on a pair of skis, Nikki Howard in jodhpurs, Nikki Howard in a kimono, Nikki Howard in a matching Stark Angels bra and panty set. The sungla.s.ses and knit cap totally worked as a disguise.

Oh, no, I breathed into the phone. My heart felt as if it had just gone into overdrive. I thought I might throw up. My bones felt as if they were frozen solid.

Because Stark Angels lingerie was seriously the saddest of the sad. It was Stark Enterprises attempt to compete with Victorias Secret for American womens underwear drawers. Only Starks bras and panties cost about twenty percent less, and itched and poked about fifty percent more. And the Angels were a straight-up rip-off of the Victorias Secrets Angels. Except that their wings were much smaller and cheaper-looking. The only thing more expensive was Starks diamond bra"ten million as opposed to the Victorias Secret paltry million-dollar bra.

Oh, no? Rebecca sounded shocked as she echoed what Id just said. What do you mean, oh, no?

I mean, I said, trying to keep my voice steady, I have to go to high school every day. I tugged Cosabella away from someones abandoned hot pretzel, now cold and congealed on the sidewalk, which she seemed determined to examine and then consume, even though I always fed her extremely well at home. Im not going to go on live national television New Years Eve in a pair of wings and a demi-cup braeven if it is one made of diamonds!

Youd be wearing panties, too, Rebecca said, sounding surprised that I hadnt realized this.

Oh, well, that just makes everything all better, I said sarcastically.

It would be very tasteful, Rebecca said. You wouldnt be showing any more than you did in the Sports Ill.u.s.trated bathing suit shoot last week.

But this is underwear! I wailed. Even worse, Starks underwear!

Oh, thats a nice way to talk about your employer, Rebecca snapped.

If only she knew about the phone tap. And the spyware on my Stark brand PC. And the hidden surveillance transmitters in my loft (if thats what they were). Oh, and about the brain transplant. Which did save my life, but still.

And that was still photography, I said. This is TV.

Theres a seven-second delay, Rebecca said. So if anything were to"you know, slip out, you adjust it beforeyou know.

That is so rea.s.suring, I said.

Nikki, honey, Rebecca said, exhaling audibly. I wasnt actually asking your permission. Robert Stark called to let me know its already settled. Youre doing this. I would have thought youd be thrilled. Youre the lead Angel. Do you have any idea what that means?

Yeah. I knew. I knew, all right.

I have to go, I said to Rebecca. I knew Id been wrong to think everything was going to be all right.

Wait, Rebecca said. Dont you want to know how much theyre paying you for this? Because youre never going to believe what I negotiated"

But Id already hung up. It really didnt matter. However much it was, it would never be enough. Not for being publicly humiliated in front of everyone I knew. Specifically, Christopher.

Who, okay, wouldnt actually know it was me, his old pal, Em Watts.

But we used to sit and watch the Stark Angel fas.h.i.+on show every year together and make merciless fun of it, and especially of the dumb Angels, and how many starving Africans they could have fed with the money that had gone into making the diamond bra.

And now I was going to be the dumb Angel wearing it.

Great. Just great.

Maybe I could give the money to some Africans.

Except I was probably going to need it. For therapy.

SEVEN.

THE PART I WAS PROBABLY GOING TO need the most therapy for was the expression I saw on Moms face every time I let myself into the apartment.

Like just now"after lying about my ident.i.ty to the doorman"and saying, Hi, Mom. Its me.

It was all about the flicker"it only lasted an instant"of excitement, followed by disappointment, then resignation. She was expecting the old Em, and instead, she got Nikkiwell, outwardly, anyway. So, for a split second, she was disappointed. It pa.s.sed in a flash, to be replaced with her normal, oh-of-course-its-you face.

But it was always there, every time she saw me"the disappointment. Because the truth was, I wasnt her daughter. Not really. Not anymore.

On the inside maybe. But not on the outside.

And she hadnt accepted the new me. Not completely.

And a part of me knew she never would.

I couldnt blame her, really, I guess.

Oh, Em, honey, she said. The flicker was gone, and she recognized me, the stranger in her apartment, the tall blonde with the miniature poodle in the waterproof coat, prancing at her side. I guess shed never come to accept me"in Nikkis body"unless I got rid of the poodle, stopped was.h.i.+ng my hair, gained fifty pounds, and started wearing nothing but sweats again, like the old me. People are funny. I cant believe you came all the way over in this weather! Werent you supposed to be in Aruba or something today?

St. John, I said, leaning down to kiss her. Before the accident, Mom had been taller than me. Now I was taller than Dad. Even in my Stark brand imitation Uggs. We flew back this morning. I came over as soon as I could. I wasnt going to tell her about the long-lost brother I had found waiting for me in my lobby. I dont know why. She just had enough problems, and I wasnt going to burden her with mine. Instead, I shrugged out of my outdoor things, which were rapidly becoming sopping wet in the over-radiated heat of the apartment. Whats this I hear about cheerleading camp?

Mom rolled her eyes and said, Dont get me started, just as Frida burst from her bedroom, having heard me come in.

You came! Her eyes were wide with excitement. Youre the awesomest! Did you bring Lulu?

On my sisters registry of all things awesome, Lulu Collins rated only slightly below Nikki Howard. The fact that both of them were now in her life on an almost daily basis had put her into a kind of teen girl nirvana from which I feared she wouldnt emerge until college.

Uh, Lulus busy, I said, deeming it unnecessary to mention that Lulu was busy staring at my ceiling, planning her wedding to Nikki Howards estranged big brother. Is Dad around?

Dad went back to New Haven, Frida said. He couldnt stand the fighting.

There was no fighting, Mom corrected her. Fighting implies that the issue was ever negotiable, and it isnt.

Frida threw me a help me look. See? she said.

Mom glared at me. And I cant believe, she added, going back to the sofa and the Sunday Times, which she had strewn all around her, her normal weekend habit, that you knew all this time, and you didnt tell me.

Well, I said lamely. If she only knew the things I knew and hadnt told her. I dont see whats wrong with it, really. Cheerleading is a sport, after all.

Mom didnt even look up from the Week in Review section. Name a sport you play in a miniskirt, she said.

I almost laughed, since Id tried the same argument on Frida when Id first heard about her going out for the team.

Well, I said. Figure skaters wear even shorter skirts, and figure skating is an Olympic sport. And so is gymnastics. And cheerleading is basically all gymnastics.

Mom just rattled the paper. There was cla.s.sical music playing softly over the stereo. The whole apartment looked so cozy and warm, I almost wanted to cry. Somewhere, I knew, were bagels Dad had picked up that morning from H&H. With vegetable cream cheese (I couldnt eat bagels anymore because they caused Nikki ma.s.sive acid reflux. Anything doughy did).

But looks, of course, were deceiving. Cozy as the place looked, I couldnt help suspecting it was every bit as wired as the loft was. I didnt know where the bugs were, but I was sure they were there, somewhere, and that Stark was listening. Hadnt Dr. Holcombe, during my last checkup, asked me if I thought it was such a good idea to introduce Lulu to my familysomething he could have known Id done only if Stark had been listening in that time Lulu and I dropped by my old apartment with a pizza?

And hadnt the Stark Inst.i.tute for Neurology and Neurosurgery handed us all brand-new Stark brand cell phones on which to call one another? Phones that had been way more staticky than any mobile phone Id ever owned"clear proof, to me, anyway, that they were tapped.

It had been kind of hard after that not to believe Stark wasnt spying on us, especially since my pocket bug detector"yes, Id gone off the deep end and bought every spy gadget I could get my hands on"whined like crazy every time I walked in the door. I didnt know where the bugs were, but they were there, somewhere. Which was why I had encouraged my family to use the non-Stark brand, nonstaticky cell phones Id bought them, and why I now usually kept my visits to my old home brief.

The thing is, Frida said to Mom, I have to go with the team to winter camp. We have all our routines down, and Im, like, the most important person. Im a base, and without me, basically all our pyramids, our stunts, anything involving a flyer, everything falls down. Furthermore, if I dont receive proper training, someone"including me"could be badly injured. Which isnt to say our coach isnt magnificent, because she is, but at this weeklong training camp, we learn proper techniques to avoid injuries as well as new stunts and routines that will blow the compet.i.tion out of the water. Besides, cheerleading is a really good extracurricular. It looks great on your college apps. I mean, do you want me to look like a total loser, like Em, who has no extracurriculars whatsoever?

Hey, I said, coming to my own defense.

Sorry, Frida said, throwing me an apologetic look. But its true. Until your surgery, you never did anything after school, except boring computer stuff with Christopher. Now at least you go to tropical islands for swimsuit shoots and stuff.

I do not like, Mom said, finally lowering her paper, the tone that this conversation has taken. I do not want my daughters extracurricular activities to be swimsuit shoots and being the base supports of human pyramids.

Mom, Frida said, going to sit on the couch beside her. Its so much more than that. Im learning teamwork and physics and making new friends, while at the same time getting physically fit and staying healthy"

I brightened up a little. The truth was, Id been feeling a little depressed since this afternoon, coming home and finding Steven Howard, not Christopher, waiting for me in my lobby, then getting the news about Nikkis mom. That, followed by the information that I was now a Stark Angel, hadnt really done much to cheer me up since the whole sitting-at-the-bottom-of-the-ocean thing.

But seeing how much Frida had matured over the past couple of months? That was doing the trick. I mean, she wasnt half the whiny, self-centered kid shed been before my accident, always insisting on getting her way. Not anymore.

Thats why its so important you let me go to this cheerleading camp over break, Frida went on. I swear I wont do anything to make you regret it, Mom. Because, the best part is, the camp is in Miami, which is really close to where Grandma lives in Boca Raton. Were going there, anyway, for winter break. So I can still be with you guys at night, only during the day, I can go to camp with everybody else. I dont even have to stay in the hotel with the rest of the team.

See? Frida had learned how to compromise and see things from other peoples points of view. This was something shed rarely, if ever, done before. I couldnt believe how my little sister had grown! She was practically a mature young woman now! Never mind that she was wearing a pair of pants that said Juicy on the b.u.t.t.

That sounds totally reasonable, I said. We can all fly down together and stay at Grandmas, and then Frida can go off to cheerleading camp with her friends, and, Mom, you and Dad and I can hang with Gran. Wont that be fun?

Before the words were fully out of my mouth, though, I noticed both Mom and Frida were staring at me with odd looks on their faces. I couldnt figure out why. I mean, we always went to Grandmas in Boca for the holidays. Moms Jewish and Dads not, so in our house wed always celebrated both Christmas (the secular, Santa version) and Hanukkah. Gran was always fine with that, and it was nice to spend Christmas Day at the beach, getting a little sun after enduring the first part of a New York winter.

Was this year going to be different somehow? Thats what Moms and Fridas looks seemed to imply.

Em, honey, Mom said, after a tense silence. You werent thinkingI know we never discussed it, but I just a.s.sumedI mean, you know you cant go to Grandmas this year. Or any year. Stark would never allow it. You know youre not supposed to be seen with us. How would they explain it if the paparazzi snapped a picture of you with us on the beach in Florida over the holidays?

I blinked at her.

Oh. Right. Stark. My employer. The contract. The people bugging my apartment and following memaybe. Probably.

Definitely.

And besides, she went on, you know we told Grandma"everyone in the family, actually"that youdied. How would we explain to her"and her friends"what Nikki Howard was doing, joining us for our family vacation? Obviously, you couldnt be Em around her Of course. My obituary. The memorial service. The story on CNN about my gory death by plasma screen TV. Everyone at school had seen it, too.

Right, I said. My bones did that frozen thing again, the way they had outside the Stark Megastore, the scene of the accident that had caused all this. Only this time I wasnt outside, with so many windows filled with posters of Nikki Howard smiling blandly down at me. So there was no rational explanation for why I suddenly felt like I was freezing cold. Grandma thinks Im dead.

How stupid of me to have thought I was going to her condo for the holidays with the rest of my family. How stupid of me to have brought that tote bag, sitting over by the door, filled with wrapped gifts for all of them, to take down to Florida to open with Grandma.

Everyone thought I was dead.

I was Nikki Howard now.

Em Watts was dead.

Its okay, I said, with a careless laugh"or a laugh that I hoped sounded careless. It actually sounded more brittle, I think, than careless. Suddenly, I was blinking back tears"where did those come from?"but I hoped Mom and Frida couldnt see them. How dumb. I totally forgot about Stark. And the contract. And everything. Geez. Im so stupid.

Honey. Mom put down the paper and got up off the couch to wrap an arm around me, even though I took a step back, away from her. Are you all right? We probably should have discussed this, but I just a.s.sumed youd be working, anyway, so Im fine, I said, still moving away from her. I didnt want her to see my tears, that I wasnt fine. Also, I was afraid that her touch would cause me to crumble. Actually, its much better this way, because Lulu is having this huge party, and I was worried about how I was going to break the news to her that I wasnt going to be able to be there, and now I wont have to. So, phew!

Mom didnt look convinced that I was all right.

You know what, she said. This is silly. Well just stay here in town for the holidays this year. Ill give Gran a call. Im sure we can work something out"

Frida didnt seem to hear what Mom had just said. She was too excited about something else. Lulus having a party? she asked. A holiday party? Am I invited?

Yeah. Forget everything I said about Frida being so much more mature now.

No, I said. I started reaching for the outdoor things Id only just put down, like Cosys coat and leash and my gloves and stuff. You know what, I forgot, I promised Lulu, actually, that Id pick up some stuff for her party, and here it is getting close to five and the party store is going to close since its Sunday, so I better go"

Em, Mom said, reaching for me again, looking as if her heart were breaking on my behalf.

But I was too quick for her. I sidestepped her and was halfway out the door and down the hall before either of them seemed to realize what was happening.