Troubleshooters: Headed For Trouble Part 13

LOPEZ: Five, count 'em,fFive books of torment. You definitely don't want that. So just do what I do. Don't say too much. Just hang in the background, steady and reliable. (Puts his fingers to his lips) Shhhh.

GILLMAN: But on the flip side, what does that get you? You're, like, number twenty on her list of heroes for upcoming books.

JENK: Here's how you know you're gonna be the hero of her next book. Ready for this?

(They nod.) JENK: You stop having s.e.x.

GILLMAN: (laughing) What? No way.

JENK: Yeah. No more flings, no more two-weekers, and definitely no one-nighters. You gotta earn the right to find your soulmate, and the first thing that vanishes is the urge to tomcat. It's kind of weird actually.

IZZY: So, in other words, you meet some gorgeous woman at a bar and she lets you know she's available, and you end up going home early and watching American Idol on TV, alone in your apartment?

JENK: Pretty much.

GILLMAN: G.o.d, you scared me for a minute there. I thought you meant that you stop having s.e.x entirely. Like forever. I mean, I thought that was the point of being the hero in a romance novel. You meet this woman who's perfect for you and then you have a lot of s.e.x and get married at the end.

JENK: Yeah, except for the internal conflict, which is a total pain in the a.s.s. And except for the part where you don't really have a lot of s.e.x. You have great s.e.x, but it can't really be defined as a lot until the book ends. I mean, these are romantic suspenses-there's a lot of plot.

LOPEZ: Like I said. Shhhh. I'm dating someone right now that Suz doesn't even know about. I want to keep it that way. It's a comfortable arrangement, no crises, no conflict. Much better than getting caught up in a five-book story arc like Starrett was.

IZZY: (uneasy) So how do you know if Suz is planning to toss you into one of those story arcs? I mean, s.h.i.+t. We were all major characters in Into the Storm.

GILLMAN: Obviously, Jenk's safe. But d.a.m.n, I could be in serious trouble. I've got a major crush on Sophia Ghaffari.

IZZY: (scoffing) Yeah, like you're going to be the hero of her book. Two words. Dream on, fool.

GILLMAN: Two words- JENK: Guys. Stop.

LOPEZ: I know I'm not the hero of the next book because Minnie's cooking dinner for me right now.

IZZY: Minnie?

LOPEZ: Shhh. I shouldn't have said her name. Bad karma.

GILLMAN: Someone light a match.

IZZY: (to Lopez) You're actually dating a woman named Minnie?

JENK: (to Gillman) He didn't fart, he just said her name.

GILLMAN: I thought it might help.

LOPEZ: Make fun of me all you want, Zanella. You just wish you were getting some of her manicotti tonight.

GILLMAN: (cracking up) I've heard it called a lot of things ...

IZZY: Back on topic. This story arc thing ...

JENK: I think you're in trouble if you appear in a book, and you're not the hero, but you're something that Suz calls a point of view character.

IZZY: What the f.u.c.k is that?

LOPEZ: It's like Sam Starrett in The Defiant Hero and Over the Edge. Part of the story is told from his point of view, like he's describing what's happening in those particular scenes.

JENK: Only he's not the hero of those books, like I was in Into the Storm.

GILLMAN: I think I'm safe.

LOPEZ: Me too.

(They look at Izzy.) IZZY: I'm totally f.u.c.ked. In the really not good way.

SUZ: (entering the room) Hey, guys. Thanks for dropping by today. I'm sorry to do this to you, but I really only have about two minutes. I'm doing an online chat, and I've got to run, but- IZZY: Am I your next Sam Starrett?

SUZ: Well, Izzy, you know there's really only one Sam Starrett, so- IZZY: You know what I mean. Am I in one of those story arc things? Five books of torment ...?

SUZ: Let's just say that I have plans for all of you. I don't want to make you any promises, because it could turn out to be seven books of torment and then you'll be mad at me. Madder. (to Lopez) Hey, Jay, how's Minnie? I heard she just got a terrific job offer in New York City.

LOPEZ: Ah, c.r.a.p.

SUZ: Oh, come on. Don't you want excitement and pa.s.sion? Don't you want to fall in love with that one person that you absolutely can't live without?

LOPEZ: I kind of liked manicotti and clean laundry.

SUZ: Don't be a baby. Learn to cook and buy a washer and dryer. (To Jenk) Are you happy? Tell them how happy you are.

JENK: I am almost insanely happy.

SUZ: (to the others) See? I gotta run. Later, guys. Thanks again for stopping by.

IZZY: (calling after her) But Jenk didn't have five books of ... (to Jenk, because she's gone) What does five books translate to, time-wise?

JENK: Two, three years. But I'm pretty sure she was looking right at you when she said it was going to be seven books of torment.

GILLMAN: (to Izzy) Dude, you're screwed.

IZZY: Well ... you are, too.

GILLMAN: No, I'm not.

IZZY: Yeah, you are.

GILLMAN: Not like you.

JENK: Guys. Stop. (He closes the door tightly behind them.)

Interview with Kenny and Savannah

Early 2006 This takes place shortly after Into the Storm.

"So what's been going on in your lives?" I asked, as we all sat down in my office.

Navy SEAL Chief Ken Karmody was dressed for work, which today meant desert-print cammie BDUs. He was going to spend the afternoon crawling around in the San Borrego desert, trying out some new gear.

"You want to tell her?" Savannah asked him.

"Tell me what?" I looked from one to the other.

Savannah was wearing a T-s.h.i.+rt and jeans, sneakers on her feet. It didn't surprise me-she'd been dressing far more casually since she'd met and married Ken. Her blond hair was cut short and it wisped around her face. She looked far more like a college student than a high-powered attorney.

"Van had a little bit of a meltdown the other day," Ken admitted.

I looked to her for confirmation, and she nodded, wincing slightly, embarra.s.sment on her pretty face. "It was more like a big meltdown."

"No, it wasn't," her husband scoffed. "Believe me, from someone who's had big meltdowns a time or two-yours was very small."

"A time or two," I repeated. "More like ten."

He laughed because he knew what I was thinking. No doubt he, too, was remembering the night he drove his car onto his ex-girlfriend's lawn, music blaring from his stereo speakers, drunk out of his mind, hoping she'd take him back. Fortunately for him, she hadn't, leaving him solidly single when Savannah came along.

"They all happened years ago," Savannah pointed out.

But there had been a more recent incident-back when Ken was living in San Diego, and Savannah was still living in New York. They'd met in the middle, in Dallas or Denver, as often as they could, but spent far too many weeks apart.

It was hard for both of them-newly married, living on different coasts. Especially since Ken frequently went overseas with SEAL Team Sixteen. Days off for either of them were few and far between.

"Remember that time," Ken told Savannah, "that you came to San Diego to surprise me, only I went to New York to surprise you?"

Savannah laughed. "Like I'm ever going to forget?" Shaking her head, she turned to me. "I walked into our house in San Diego at about three a.m. The place was quiet, it was obvious Ken was asleep, so I didn't turn on the lights. It was a surprise-my being there. I was supposed to be in New York at some legal thing, a conference that was canceled. So I went into the bedroom, got undressed, climbed into bed and-" She cracked up.

"I had given my keys to Sam and his wife, Alyssa," Ken said, far less amused. "They were painting their house, and the fumes were intense, so ... I figured since Van and I weren't going to be there, they could sleep at our place. Meanwhile, I was in New York, wondering where my wife was at three o'clock in the morning."

"Having a menage a trois with your best friend and his wife." Savannah laughed. "The look on Sam's face when he turned on the light ... And Alyssa ...!" She howled. "She got a little mad at Sam because she thought he was enjoying himself too much."

"Yeah, I bet he was." Ken was pretending to be disgruntled, but he clearly thought it was funny, too.

"It was so embarra.s.sing." Savannah covered her face with her hands. "And can you imagine being Sam, and waking up with some strange woman pawing at you?"

"You don't paw," Kenny said.

"Yeah, well ..." Mischief danced in her eyes. "I now know Sam Starrett a little too well."

"Imagine if you'd climbed into Alyssa's side of the bed," Ken said. He grinned, and did a pretty horrendous Groucho Marx imitation. "I've actually spent quite a lot of time imagining that."

Savannah kicked his boot with her sneaker. "That's awful. I probably would've thought you were cheating on me. I mean, when I grabbed Sam, I knew right away that he wasn't you. But if I'd climbed into bed and found a woman there ... I would've had a heart attack. I would've died of shock. Instantly." She looked at me. "Ken would never be unfaithful. There are few things I'm certain of in life, but that's one of them."

Ken took her hand, bringing it to his lips. "Thanks, babe," he said, his eyes soft.

She smiled at him, and for a moment, I wasn't even there in the room.

But I cleared my throat and brought them back on track. "We were talking about Ken's meltdown."

"Okay," he said. "So Van's having her comedy of errors in San Diego. Meanwhile, I'm in her less-crowded apartment in Manhattan, with an armload of flowers." He shook his head. "I knew immediately what had happened. I saw some memo about the conference being canceled. I saw her notes about her flight to San Diego. And I just lost it. I just ... sat down on the floor and, well, I cried."

This was clearly the first time Savannah had heard this. Her eyes were wide. "Oh, Kenny."

"I missed you so much," he admitted. "It was killing me, not seeing you."

"That was the same weekend you started talking about moving to New York," she realized. She turned to me. "I couldn't believe he was serious. Leave the SEALs? I went home and started packing. I couldn't let him do that. I couldn't."

"She actually talked the partners in her firm into opening a San Diego branch," Ken told me. "The woman has b.a.l.l.s."

"But now I've gone and quit," Savannah said. She turned a little pale. "Oh, my G.o.d, I've actually quit."

"She's running for office," Ken announced. "For Congress."

"We haven't decided that yet," she warned him.

He was unperturbed. "Yeah, we have. You want to run, you're running. You're sick of sitting around, watching civil rights erode. What am I fighting for, you know? It drives her nuts, so she's running."

"I have some clients who are Arab Americans," Savannah explained. "These are good people, but they happen to have the same name as someone on the terrorist watch list. Turns out my phones have been tapped. My office was searched."

"She actually stood on a table in a restaurant," Ken said admiringly, "and gave her first campaign speech."

"I had my meltdown at the Cafe Bistro," she admitted to me.

"You got a standing O," her husband said.

"I kind of did," she told me, as if she still couldn't quite believe it.

"She's running. And she's going to win." Ken stood up. "We've got to go, babe. I don't want to be late."

"Thanks for stopping by," I told them, standing too, and giving them both a hug and kiss.

Savannah gave me an extra squeeze. "Thank you so much for writing Kenny into my life," she whispered.

I just smiled and waved goodbye. I was having too much fun picturing Ken Karmody as first husband of U.S. President Savannah von Hopf.

Now there was a story that would be fun to write ...