The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions Part 16

'Snap?' said George. 'In a casino? Snap?'

'There is Snap,' said Ada, and then she pointed. 'And over there I see Ludo and there Happy Families, Noughts and Crosses, Snakes and Ladders, Hunt the Thimble and Tiddlywinks. And there is Boggle. Although I confess that I have never quite understood Boggle.'

'But these are children's games,' protested George. 'I had a.s.sumed that there would be roulette and poker and pontoon.'

'I have never heard of those,' said Ada. 'Let's watch Darwin playing.'

Darwin the monkey butler gave a good account of himself at the Snap table. He won five rounds in succession, but was then out-snapped by the dealer, whom George recognised almost at once to be none other than the wine waiter he now so regularly encountered.

'What is your name?' enquired George. 'We meet up so often, I feel I should address you by name.'

The wine waiter/dealer wore a decorated golden turban and matching robes. The casino staff look was distinctive. He wiggled a gloved hand at George and counselled silence.

'I cannot speak now, sir, I-'

'Snap!' went Darwin.

And, 'Snap!' went the dealer also.

'The monkey won that one,' said George.

'You distracted me,' complained the dealer. 'Please do not speak when I'm playing, it-'

'Snap!' went Darwin once more.

'And he definitely won that one,' said George.

'Sir, I must ask you not to speak at the table,' said the dealer, 'because I-'

'Snap!' went Darwin once more again.

'That was never Snap,' cried the dealer. 'That was a two and a three. You cannot call Snap on a two and a three.'

'It was two twos,' said George. 'You laid that three after the monkey called Snap.'

'I did nothing of the kind, I-'

'Snap!' went Darwin.

'Stop it!' cried the dealer, flinging his cards to the table. 'I cannot concentrate on the game when someone is constantly distracting me. It is outrageous.'

'I am sorry,' said George. 'I did not mean to upset you.'

'It is all too much.' The dealer now kicked at the Snap table, hurting his toes and resulting in much comedic hopping about.

'Calm yourself down,' said George.

'Snap!' went Darwin one more time and loudly.

'I resign,' shouted the dealer. 'Here, take all the money, I don't care. I have had enough.' And with that said he thrust piles of gambling chips in Darwin's direction, tore off his turban and flung it to the inlaid floor and flounced from the casino in the very worst of moods.

George stared after him, then turned back to the Snap table, rubbed his palms together and sought to avail himself of the dealer's largesse.

'Ah, sorry now, sir, but we cannot have that that.' Another young man in casino livery stepped swiftly behind the table and drew the gambling chips beyond George's reach. 'That boy will receive the thras.h.i.+ng he deserves. My apologies for his behaviour, sir, but what can one expect when one employs Austrians?'

'Austrians?' queried George. 'He did not have an Austrian accent.'

'And what, pray, does an Austrian accent sound like, sir?'

'Fair enough,' said George. 'And I never did learn his name.'

'His name is. .h.i.tler,' said the new dealer. 'Adolf Hitler, the little tyke, he'll come to no good, mark my words.'

George smiled at Ada who smiled back at him. 'I am sure there is some lesson to be learned from all of this,' George told her, 'but for the very life of me I have absolutely no idea just what it might be.'

'Do you fancy a game of Marbles?' asked Ada.

'I certainly do,' said George.

And so they spent a pleasant hour or two. There were some moments, however, that were slightly less pleasant. Such as when Darwin the monkey butler was caught cheating at Hopscotch and was escorted from the casino. Or when he returned shortly afterwards with something very much less than pleasant in his hairy hand and proceeded to hurl it into the face of the casino's horrified Hopscotcher.

George and Ada turned away their faces. George suggested they should take their leave.

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Once more upon the promenade deck, in steamer chairs with c.o.c.ktails and cakes, George toasted Ada and remarked that he had had a most entertaining afternoon and thank you very much for it.

Ada flashed her emerald eyes and took to counting money.

'You did rather well at the casino,' said George. 'Your skills at Happy Families would seem to be unrivalled. Winning that last big pot was a triumph. I thought the dealer was going to win and he would have done too if he had been able to come up with all of the Baker's family. Luck was also on your side, it would seem.'

'So it would seem,' agreed Ada. But as she continued with her money counting, George was somewhat saddened to see several cards fall from her lace-cuffed sleeve. Master Bun the Baker's son being one of them.

Darwin the monkey butler came bouncing along the deck.

'I hope you have washed your hands,' George said to him.

The monkey butler grinned at George and helped himself to a cake.

'I must go and powder my nose,' said Ada Lovelace. 'Do not let Darwin eat any more cakes I want the chocolate eclair.'

She rose from her chair and smiled down at George, then stopped and kissed his cheek.

'I like being with you, George,' she said. 'I like you very much.'

George looked on as she walked away and a small tear formed in his eye. For George Fox knew more than anything else that he was in love with Ada.

Ahead crackled something of a storm. High, dark clouds upon the horizon. And there was of a sudden a certain chill to the air and George hunched his shoulders and rubbed his hands together and wondered much regarding the future.

The Empress of Mars Empress of Mars boasted to the most luxurious Ladies' Accommodation. Etched-gla.s.s mirrors and faux marble fixtures and fittings of bra.s.s and of copper. Specific needs such as the unlacing and relacing of corsetry were attended to by a female servant, the 'feminine needs facilitator', known colloquially as the 'toilette fairy'. The toilette fairy was not in residence upon this particular afternoon, but Ada Lovelace, skilled in lace-work of her own corset, had no need for her. boasted to the most luxurious Ladies' Accommodation. Etched-gla.s.s mirrors and faux marble fixtures and fittings of bra.s.s and of copper. Specific needs such as the unlacing and relacing of corsetry were attended to by a female servant, the 'feminine needs facilitator', known colloquially as the 'toilette fairy'. The toilette fairy was not in residence upon this particular afternoon, but Ada Lovelace, skilled in lace-work of her own corset, had no need for her.

Ada repaired to the cubicle and did what ladies do.

She tugged at the ivory handle of the Rupert Fairgla.s.s Patent Sanitizing Ceramic-bowl-de-fustigator, set herself to decency and emerged from the cubicle.

To find herself most unexpectedly confronted by Professor Cagliostro Coffin.

'You see, Darwin,' George told the monkey butler, 'it could be a most wonderful world, wonderful worlds worlds in fact, if people just took time to care for each other rather than be so nasty.' in fact, if people just took time to care for each other rather than be so nasty.'

Darwin nodded his hairy head. His thoughts were, however, elsewhere.

'Take yourself as an example,' said George. 'I expect you would rather be back in the jungle, swinging about in the trees with your relatives.'

Darwin, who had been born in Brentford and preferred the wearing of fine livery and kid gloves to the prospect of naked ramblings in treetops, had no comment to make.

'You are discriminated against because you are not human,' said George. 'Folk look down on you. Not me me, of course, but other folk do, trust me on this. Everybody seems to be suspicious of everybody else and if there are folk who are different, then they get treated badly.' George had something of a bee in his top-hat bonnet and as Darwin made no objection to his diatribe, George continued with it.

'I am supposedly on a sacred quest,' he said. 'A prophecy was made to me. My fate, it seems, is sealed. And maybe that is true. But the more I see of this world, the less I like it. I do not think I have enjoyed this journey.'

'Not enjoyed the journey?'

At the sound of these words George looked up, to view the smiling professor. 'We are near our goal,' said he to George. 'Trust me, all will be well.'

'Trust?' said George, in reply to this. 'I am having trouble with trust.'

'You do too much thinking, my boy. Too much cerebral concentration gives rise to an anxious disposition. Follow my lead and be joyous in your outlook.' Professor Coffin did a little dance. 'We are a happy crowd of travellers and must put all differences aside if we are to succeed in our goal. Do you not agree with me, dear Ada?'

George looked beyond the professor. He had not seen Ada return.

'I agree with everything that you say, Professor Coffin,' said Ada Lovelace, with a faraway look in her eyes. 'You must trust this gentleman, George, he wishes you only well.'

George Fox stared at Ada Lovelace. 'But?' was the word that he spoke.

'I was wrong,' said Ada. 'I am a foolish girl. The professor can be trusted absolutely. We must do whatever he says. Whatever he thinks is for the best.'

Professor Coffin smiled upon Ada. 'Whatever I think is best.'

24.

The evening proved to be less fun than had been the afternoon.

The sparkle had departed Ada Lovelace. The lovely girl sat at the late Lord Brentford's table, speaking only when she was spoken to and only then in monosyllables. George was most distraught about her drastic change in demeanour and asked repeatedly regarding the state of her health.

'I am fine,' she said, each time that he asked.

But George was far from convinced.

The storm that had crackled on the horizon was all about them now and the captain had been unable to take the s.h.i.+p up above the clouds. Rain smashed down on the Empress of Mars Empress of Mars, and lightning tore about it.

Captain Bigglesworth's voice rang sharply through the great dining hall, tw.a.n.ging through huge tuba-like, bra.s.s-bell public address systems, which were linked by speaking tubes to the bridge.

'My lords, ladies and gentlemen, ecclesiastics of Venus, burghers of Jupiter, we are presently travelling through a period of light drizzle. You might experience some mild discomfort. Please remain indoors and away from the promenade deck. Enjoy your meals. Tonight's entertainment is provided by Guru Gurami the Indian Swami, who will perform the celebrated Indian Rope Trick and other acts of subcontinental metaphysical transubstantiation. Employing the transperambulation of psuedo-cosmic-'

But few were listening to him. Thunder rattled the windowpanes and shook at the cutlery, the great s.h.i.+p quivered fretfully, the turbines wheezed and trembled.

Young Master Hitler, sporting a rather dramatic black eye, served them at table. George settled on a simple swordfish ca.s.serole, Ada said she was not hungry and Professor Coffin rubbed his palms together and ordered most of the menu.

Darwin made selections from the wine list, but only Professor Coffin seemed to appreciate the choices.

'Cheer it up there, young George,' he said to his dismal companion. 'We shall soon reach Hawaii and while I do not expect that we will be enjoying any sunsets over the volcano, we will be near to reaching our goal. Can you not feel it, George? I I feel it.' feel it.'

'I am sorry, Professor,' said George, 'but things have been getting me down lately. And now this storm and Ada looking so poorly-'

'The storm will pa.s.s.' Professor Coffin clapped his hands together. 'And Ada will arouse herself from her stupor. Won't you, my dear? Cheer yourself up for your brother. Do it for me now now.'

A smile spread over Ada's face. But this smile lacked for conviction.

'Perhaps you should take yourself off to your bunk,' said George to Ada. 'Sleep out the storm, as it were.'

'A capital idea,' said Professor Coffin. 'I will escort the young lady. Upon which deck is her cabin?'

'On second thoughts,' said George, 'perhaps it would be better if she remained here, where I can keep an eye on her.'

'Perhaps,' said the professor. 'Ah, see, here comes the "turn".'

The 'turn' wore golden robes not unlikened to those worn by the airs.h.i.+p's casino staff. He sported a larger turban though, with many encrustments of pearl. And he wore upon his feet a pair of those curl-up-toed slippers that find great favour with genies.

Some tables had been cleared away from the central area of the dining hall and a small round stage a.s.sembled. Guru Gurami the Indian Swami climbed onto this stage. He bowed to all and sundry, was acknowledged by no one, clasped his hands together and vanished.

Just like that.

In a big puff of smoke.

'Not the most entertaining of acts,' said Professor Coffin, 'but it has brevity on its side, so let us be grateful for that.'

'Sir?' came a voice at Professor Coffin's ear. Professor Coffin ducked away in shock.

'Sorry to startle you,' said Guru Gurami the Indian Swami, for it, indeed, was he, 'but I require the services of an a.s.sistant upon stage would you do me the honour to oblige?'

Professor Coffin gathered his wits, and he was rarely rattled. 'Not I,' said he. 'A bit of a game leg, caught by a Jezail bullet in the Afghan campaign. But that will be over by Christmas.'

'I have my doubts as to that,' said the swami, 'but if not yourself, then perhaps your lovely granddaughter?'