Scotch Wit and Humor Part 18

=Plain Speaking=

"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony, "an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!'

"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to advise me. I've been telt a dizzen times ye canna preach, but I never advised ye to gie up your place.'

"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae to hear us till we think fit to stop.'"

=Trying to s.h.i.+ft the Job=

A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years.

At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund."

"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and when I dee you'll get my share."

"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's any _fash or trouble_. There's naething you'll do at a'."

=A New Explanation of an Extra Charge=

The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor: Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the church door he tendered a s.h.i.+lling--the legal fare--to cabby, and was somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa s.h.i.+llin', sir." The professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged two s.h.i.+llings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir."

=National Thrift Exemplified=

Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old man greeted him with: "Noo, doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered his bargain a good one.

=New Use for a "Cosy"=

A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy.

_Servant Maid_: "That'll be a bonny present."

_Lady_: "It is, indeed."

_Servant Maid_: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?"

=Mending Matters=

"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?"

"Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o'

that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'."

=Degrees of Capacity=

Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle of friends and a.s.sociates in Edinburgh. His diction and p.r.o.nunciation were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him from failing in Parliament. An amusing ill.u.s.tration is given by an acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry c.o.c.kburn, in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman, whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?--an intellectual, shrewd man?--a man of capacity?--had he ordinary mental endowments?"

"What d'ye mean, sir?"

"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the man of sufficient ordinary intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?"

"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the question ower again, sir?"

Jeffrey being baffled, c.o.c.kburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye kenned Tammas----?"

"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were laddies."

"Was there onything in the cretur?"

"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him."

"Would you have trusted him to sell a cow for you?"

"A cow! I wadna lippened him to sell a calf."

Francis Jeffrey could not, if he had devoted an article in the _Edinburgh Review_ to the subject, have given a more exact measurement than was presented in few words of the capacity of the testator to manage his own affairs.

="Invisible and Incomprehensible"=

_First Scot_: "Fat sort o' minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"

_Second Scot_: "Oh, weel; he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a glint o'

him; six days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the seventh he's encomprehens'ble."

=Fetching His "Character"=

At a Scotch fair a farmer was trying to engage a lad to a.s.sist on the farm, but would not finish the bargain until he brought a character from the last place, so he said: "Run and get it, and meet me at the cross, at four o'clock."

The youth was up to time, and the farmer said, "Well, have you got your character with you?"

"Na," replied the youth; "but I've got yours, an' I'm no comin'."

=Scottish Negativeness=

If you remark to an old Scotchman that "It's a good day," his usual reply is, "Aweel, sir, I've seen waur." Such a man does not say his wife is an excellent woman. He says, "She's no' a bad body." A buxom la.s.s, smartly dressed, is "No' sae vera unpurposelike." The richest and rarest viands are "No' sae bad." The best acting and the best singing are designated as "No' bad." A man noted for his benevolence is "No' the warst man in the worilt." A Scotchman is always afraid of expressing unqualified praise. He suspects if he did so it would tend to spoil the object of his laudations, if a person, male or female, old or young; or, if that object were a song, a picture, a piece of work, a landscape, or such, that those who heard him speak so highly of it would think he had never in his life seen or heard anything better, which would be an imputation on his knowledge of things. "_Nil Admirari_" is not exactly the motto of the normal Scotchman. He is quite ready to admire admirable things, but yet loath to admit it, only by inference, that he had never witnessed or experienced anything better. Indeed, he has always something of the like kind which he can quote to show that the person, place or thing in question is only comparatively good, great, clever, beautiful, or grand. Then, when anybody makes a remark, however novel, that squares with a Scotchman's ideas, he will say, "That's just what I've offen thoucht!" "That's exactly ma way of thinking!" "That's just what I aye say!" "That's just what I was actually on the point o'

saying!"

=Either Too Fast or Too Slow=

An artist, returning from a sketching tour in Arran, was crossing the mountains on his way back to catch the early steamer for Brod.i.c.k. His watch had stopped, so he could not form an idea of the time of day. To his joy he met a shepherd, of whom he inquired the hour. The native, pulling out his watch, replied: "Sir, it will shoost pe five o'clock on my wee watchy; but whether she'll be two oors too slow, or two oors too fast, I dinna ken."