Scotch Wit and Humor Part 20

"What's the use o' your speerin' that question?" said the man; "you're John Clerk himsel'."

"I ken that," said John; "but it's no himsel' that's wanted--it's his house."

=Faring Alike=

_First Scotch Boatman_: "Weel, Geordie, how got ye on the day?"

_Second Ditto_ (_droughty--he had been out with a Free Kirk minister, a strict abstainer_): "Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took him where there was nae fus.h.!.+"

="Saddling the a.s.s"=

Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New Free College, remarked that he was often annoyed and vexed beyond measure to find discourses of the ablest character murdered and ma.s.sacred by a wretched delivery. Some ministers appeared to have a habit of emphasizing every third word or so; and he would tell them an anecdote which he had heard to ill.u.s.trate the importance of correct reading. A minister once reading I Kings xiii: 13, read it thus: "And the prophet said unto his sons, _Saddle me the a.s.s_. So they saddled _him_, the a.s.s."

=An Open Question=

A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit down a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."

=Domestics in By-gone Days=

Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character": The charge these old domestics used to take in the interests of the family, and the cool way in which they took upon them to protect those interests, sometimes led to very provoking and sometimes to a very ludicrous exhibition of importance. A friend told me of a dinner scene ill.u.s.trative of this sort of interference which had happened at Airth in the last generation. Mrs. Murry, of Abercairney, had been amongst the guests, and at dinner one of the family noticed that she was looking about for the proper spoon to help herself to salt. The old servant, Thomas, was appealed to, that the want might be supplied. He did not notice the appeal. It was repeated in a more peremptory manner: "Thomas, Mrs. Murry has not a salt-spoon"; to which he replied most emphatically, "Last time Mrs. Murry dined here we _lost_ a salt-spoon." [7]

=A Misdeal=

A celebrated Scotch divine had just risen up to the pulpit to lead the congregation in prayer, when a gentlemen in front of the gallery took out his handkerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a pack of cards was wrapped up in it; the whole pack was scattered over the breast of the gallery. The minister could not resist a sarcasm, solemn as the act was in which he was about to engage. "O man, man!

surely your psalm-book has been ill-bund."

="A Sign of Grace"=

A good story is told by Mr. Aird, Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland, respecting a minister who in the old days of patronage was forced upon a congregation at Alness. He was coldly received, but calling one day upon an old elder, he took a chair in spite of his gruff reception. In order to meet an awkward pause, he took out his snuff-box.

"Oh," said the elder, "ye tak' snuff, dae ye?"

"Oh, yes," was the reply.

"Weel," said the elder, "that's the fust sign of grace I've seen in ye."

"How's that?"

"Dae we nae read o' Solomon's temple," replied the elder, "that a' the snuffers were of pure gold?"

=Extraordinary Absence of Mind=

A certain Scottish professor was not more remarkable for his writings on political economy, than for his frequent unconsciousness of what pa.s.sed before him. His absence of mind was so remarkable, that his wife once wagered that she would accost him in the street, inquire after the health of herself and family, and that he would not recognize her. She actually won the wager.

The professor was once taking a solitary walk on the banks of the ca.n.a.l, into which in his abstraction, he walked. When within a yard of the centre, an honest woman was.h.i.+ng clothes behind him, bawled out, "Come oot, come oot, fule body, or ye'll be droon't."

These warning sounds invading the tympanum of the professorial ear, had the effect of making him turn right about and forthwith recover the dry ground. The good woman, concluding him to be an idiot, sympathetically exclaimed, "Puir body! a weel, they hae muckle to answer for that lets ye gang yer lane!"

=Salmon or Sermon=

A clergyman in Perths.h.i.+re, who was more skilful as an angler than popular as a preacher, having fallen into conversation with some of his paris.h.i.+oners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned as an instance, that he had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a sermon, and killed a salmon--an achievement on which he plumed himself greatly.

"Aweel, sir," observed one of the company, "I would rather have your salmon than your sermon."

="Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer=

A countryman in Scotland, who was very fond of apples, especially if they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbor's orchard, who, happening to be walking towards the spot at the time, cried out, "Hoot, hoot, Sandy, where are thee ganging?"

"Bock again, now you are there," replied the thief, with the utmost _sang froid_.

=A "Kippered" Divine=

It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in public prayer, soon after, offered a pet.i.tion that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the Free Church of Scotland."

=Scotch Caution versus Suretis.h.i.+p=

The old Jews and the old Scotch Highlanders had one feeling in common--a dread of suretis.h.i.+p. The Book of Proverbs contains several warnings of the danger that lurks in a surety bond, but none are more admonis.h.i.+ng than one uttered by an Highlander. Donald had been tried for his life, and narrowly escaped conviction. In discharging him the judge thought it proper to say: "Prisoner, before you leave the bar, I'll give you a piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if you ever come before me, again, I'll be caution (surety) you'll be hanged."

"Thank you, my lord," said Donald, "for your good advice, and as I'm no'

ungratefu', I beg to gie your lords.h.i.+p a piece of advice in turn. Never be 'caution' for anybody, for the cautioner has often to pay the penalty."

=A Descendant of the Stuarts=

A gentleman from the north, being of a genealogical turn of mind, believed that he had discovered in his pedigree some remote connection with the royal Stuart blood. Going south, he made much of his presumed relations.h.i.+p, until he was generally spoken of in bated breath by his innocent English friends, "as a descendant of the Stuarts." At a public gathering he was thus mentioned, and the description instantly engaged the rapt attention of a new arrival from Caledonia.

"A descendant o' the Stuarts!" he cried; "eh, sirs, I'd like feine to see ane o' the royal race."

"Then there he is," answered the interlocutor, pointing him out--"there--the gentleman standing in front of the fireplace."

"Gude sakes!" said the astonished Scot; "that's just my ain brither Jack."

="Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"=

It is related that a Scotch minister chanced to meet two of his paris.h.i.+oners in the office of a lawyer, whom he regarded as being too sharp.

The lawyer jocularly and not very graciously put the question: "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as black or white sheep?"