Scotch Wit and Humor Part 24

"Ay," said the rustic, "there was another auld storey, but it fell down lang since."

=A Satisfactory Explanation=

A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.

Amazed at the constant repet.i.tion of a word he did not understand, the bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?"

"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness.

"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of the law.

=Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff=

Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules to settle, for I saw that the s.h.i.+rra-officer wad tak' their coates, the lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lords.h.i.+p's haunds ye'd tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down.

=A Grammatical Beggar=

A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he, "go, we canna gie ye naething."

"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dignity, "have refused me grammatically."

=Good Enough to Give Away=

A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of b.u.t.ter, "an'

look ye here, guidman," she exclaimed, "see an' gie me it guid, for the last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door."

=A Dry Preacher=

On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine service, he became very querulous, and e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed over and over again: "Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think that I am dry eneuch noo?" Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit." [9]

=A Poetical Question and Answer=

Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom he thus addressed:

"Master Scott, Can you change me a note?"

Mr. Scott's reply was:

"I'm not very sure, but I'll see."

Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added:

"Indeed, Mr. Dewar, It's out of my power, For my wife's away with the key."

=Drinking by Candle Light=

The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted were generally very obscure and mean--at least they would appear such now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use candles continually.

A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch.

"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and prepared to stagger home through the streets, which at night were but dimly lighted with oil; when, lo and behold! on their emerging from the tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures.

=Disqualified to be a Country Preacher=

The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under the epithet of _Rumble John_, was one Sunday invited to preach in a parish church in the Ca.r.s.e of Stirling, where, as there had been a long course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware of this Mr. Russell introduced a pet.i.tion, according to custom, into his last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for, in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on, of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed, there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Ca.r.s.e. The farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they afterwards cl.u.s.tered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna understan' _the kintra_."

=Grim Humor=

An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fis.h.i.+ng village, and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently drop in?"

"Ay, ay, the fule things, they often fa' ower the pier," she answered coolly.

"G.o.d bless me! Lost of course?"

"Na, na," was the reply; "noo and then, to be sure, a bairn's drooned, but unfortunately there's maistly some idle body in the way to fish oot the deevils!"

=Sabbath Zeal=

The reverence for the Sabbath in Scotland sometimes takes a form one would have hardly antic.i.p.ated. An old Highland man said to an English tourist: "They're a G.o.d-fearin' set o' folks here, 'deed they are, an'

I'll give ye an instance o't. Last Sabbath, just as the kirk was skalin', there was a drover chiel frae Dumfries along the road, whistlin' and lookin' as happy as if it was ta middle o' ta week. Weel, sir, our laads is a G.o.d-fearin' set o' laads, and they yokit upon him an' a'most killed him."

=At the End of His Tether=

An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She disbelieved it. Said one: "Go into the gallery and see!"

She did so, and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had concluded his reading on the last page, he said: "But I will not enlarge."

The old woman cried out from her lofty position: "Ye canna! ye canna, for yer paper's give oot!"

=A Thrifty Proposal=

It is said that before the opening of the Glasgow Exhibition the laying out of the garden and grounds were under discussion, and it was suggested that a gondola would look ornamental on the water.

"Well," said a member of the town council, "I think we may as well have a _pair_, and they might _breed_."