The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 65

_Phil._ I cannot.

_Pseud._ I want to have you shew that Sharpness of Wit, that you do in other Things.

_Phil._ I confess, I am deficient. Shew me.

_Pseud._ When I said, now I will begin to lie, did I not tell you a swinging Lie then, when I had been accustomed to lie for so many Years, and I had also told a Lie, just the Moment before.

_Phil._ An admirable Piece of Witchcraft.

_Pseud._ Well, but now you have been forewarn'd, p.r.i.c.k up your Ears, listen attentively, and see if you can catch me in a Lie.

_Phil._ I do p.r.i.c.k them up; say on.

_Pseud._ I have said already, and you have imitated me in lying.

_Phil._ Why, you'll persuade me I have neither Ears nor Eyes by and by.

_Pseud._ When Mens Ears are immoveable, and can neither be p.r.i.c.k'd up nor let down, I told a Lie in bidding you p.r.i.c.k up your Ears.

_Phil._ The whole Life of Man is full of such Lies.

_Pseud._ Not only such as these, O good Man, for these are but Jokes: But there are those that bring Profit.

_Phil._ The Gain that is got by Lying, is more sordid, than that which is got by laying a Tax on Urine.

_Pseud._ That is true, I own; but then 'tis to those that han't the Art of lying.

_Phil._ What Art is this that you understand?

_Pseud._ It is not fit I should teach you for nothing; pay me, and you shall hear it.

_Phil._ I will not pay for bad Arts.

_Pseud._ Then will you give away your Estate?

_Phil._ I am not so mad neither.

_Pseud._ But my Gain by this Art is more certain than yours from your Estate.

_Phil._ Well, keep your Art to yourself, only give me a Specimen that I may understand that what you say is not all Pretence.

_Pseud._ Here's a Specimen for you: I concern myself in all Manner of Business, I buy, I sell, I receive, I borrow, I take p.a.w.ns.

_Phil._ Well, what then?

_Pseud._ And in these Affairs I entrap those by whom I cannot easily be caught.

_Phil._ Who are those?

_Pseud._ The soft-headed, the forgetful, the unthinking, those that live a great Way off, and those that are dead.

_Phil._ The Dead, to be sure, tell no Tales.

_Pseud._ If I sell any Thing upon Credit, I set it down carefully in my Book of Accounts.

_Phil._ And what then?

_Pseud._ When the Money is to be paid, I charge the Buyer with more than he had. If he is unthinking or forgetful, my Gain is certain.

_Phil._ But what if he catches you?

_Pseud._ I produce my Book of Accounts.

_Phil._ What if he informs you, and proves to your Face he has not had the Goods you charge him with?

_Pseud._ I stand to it stiffly; for Bashfulness is altogether an unprofitable Qualification in this Art. My last s.h.i.+ft is, I frame some Excuse or other.

_Phil._ But when you are caught openly?

_Pseud._ Nothing's more easy, I pretend my Servant has made a Mistake, or I myself have a treacherous Memory: It is a very pretty Way to jumble the Accounts together, and this is an easy Way to impose on a Person: As for Example, some are cross'd out, the Money being paid, and others have not been paid; these I mingle one with another at the latter End of the Book, nothing being cross'd out. When the Sum is cast up, we contend about it, and I for the most Part get the better, tho' it be by forswearing myself. Then besides, I have this Trick, I make up my Account with a Person when he is just going a Journey, and not prepared for the Settling it. For as for me, I am always ready. If any Thing be left with me, I conceal it, and restore it not again. It is a long Time before he can come to the Knowledge of it, to whom it is sent; and, after all, if I can't deny the receiving of a Thing, I say it is lost, or else affirm I have sent that which I have not sent, and charge it upon the Carrier. And lastly, if I can no Way avoid restoring it, I restore but Part of it.

_Phil._ A very fine Art.

_Pseud._ Sometimes I receive Money twice over, if I can: First at Home, afterwards there where I have gone, and I am every where. Sometimes Length of Time puts Things out of Remembrance: The Accounts are perplexed, one dies, or goes a long Journey: And if nothing else will hit, in the mean Time I make Use of other People's Money. I bring some over to my Interest, by a Shew of Generosity, that they may help me out in lying; but it is always at other People's Cost; of my own, I would not give my own Mother a Doit. And tho' the Gain in each Particular may be but small; but being many put together, makes a good round Sum; for as I said, I concern myself in a great many Affairs; and besides all, that I may not be catch'd, as there are many Tricks, this is one of the chief. I intercept all the Letters I can, open them, and read them. If any Thing in them makes against me, I destroy them, or keep them a long Time before I deliver them: And besides all this, I sow Discord between those that live at a great Distance one from another.

_Phil._ What do you get by that?

_Pseud._ There is a double Advantage in it. First of all, if that is not performed that I have promised in another Person's Name, or in whose Name I have received any Present, I lay it to this or that Man's Door, that it was not performed, and so these Forgeries I make turn to a considerable Account.

_Phil._ But what if he denies it?

_Pseud._ He's a great Way off, as suppose at _Basil_; and I promise to give it in _England._ And so it is brought about, that both being incensed, neither will believe the one the other, if I accuse them of any Thing. Now you have a Specimen of my Art.

_Phil._ But this Art is what we Dullards call Theft; who call a Fig a Fig, and a Spade a Spade.

_Pseud._ O Ignoramus in the Law! Can you bring an Action of Theft for Trover or Conversion, or for one that having borrow'd a Thing forswears it, that puts a Trick upon one, by some such Artifice?

_Phil._ He ought to be sued for Theft.

_Pseud._ Do but then see the Prudence of Artists. From these Methods there is more Gain, or at least as much, and less Danger.

_Phil._ A Mischief take you, with your cheating Tricks and Lies, for I han't a Mind to learn 'em. Good by to ye.

_Pseud._ You may go on, and be plagu'd with your ragged Truth. In the mean Time, I'll live merrily upon my thieving, lying Tricks, with Slight of Hand.