Ade's Fables Part 11

Consequently, Elmer began to perk up and serve on Committees which met in Exclusive Homes and were entirely surrounded by Mahogany.

Whenever an Intellectual Queen pushed the b.u.t.ton, Elmer was right there with a Pitcher of Ice Water.

His Researches had proved to him that one of the Keenest Enjoyments of City Life is to remain away from the glaring Lobster Palace, especially when one can get one's Mallard Duck free of charge in a Flat renting for $6000 a Year.

Elmer became identified with the Cleaning Brigade of the Reform Element simply by riding on the Current of Events.

Adapting himself unconsciously to his antisepticized Environment, he acquired the Art of putting over the saccharine Extemporaneous Address, and he could smile, with his Teeth exposed, for an Hour at a time.

In fact, he was a great Success.

At first he took in the Symphony Orchestra because he was dragged thither. After about two years the Virus had permeated his System, and he was a regular Brahmsite. If he didn't get a full dose of Peer Gynt every few days, he was as nervous as a Cat.

The tall and straight-grained Heiress who finally landed him was only too glad to slip him the Bank-Book and tell him to go and sit in with the other Directors.

And now, having become a s.h.i.+ny Pillar in the Presbyterian Temple and one of the most respected Umbrella-Carriers on the Avenue, he felt a longing to beat it back to the home Burg and exhibit his Virtues to the members of the I-Knew-Him-When Club.

He wanted to patronize the Friends of his Youth and note the Expressions of Discomfiture on the so-called Faces of Aunt Lib and Uncle Jethro, both of whom had told around that he was a Gnat (Net) and never would amount to a Hill of Beans.

Elmer expected to find the same spotted Dog asleep in front of the Commercial Hotel and the same Stick Candy exhibited in the Show Windows.

But, while he had been witnessing the downfall of Evil in the busy Metropolis, the Home Town had been putting on a little Side-Show of its own.

Along at the gateway of the 20th Century, every undersized Hamlet shown in the Atlas became seized with a Desire to throw on City Lugs.

The same Father who had marked the Talmage Book for Elmer became Chairman of the House Committee in a Club which undertook to serve anything usually found on either side of a Cash Register.

Being in the heart of the Residence District, this select Organization could not obtain a regular License.

However, having the moral support of the Best People, it maintained a Blind Pig.

The combination of Blind Pig, two playful Kitties up-stairs, and a lot of gay Dogs spread out on the upholstered Chairs, certainly proved to be some Menagerie.

It was a matter of Pride with the Members that the Colored Boy could shake up anything known to the Regular Trade at the Knickerbocker or the Plaza.

One of their main Delights, also, was to welcome the Stranger, who thought he was sojourning among the Rubes, and lead him into the Roodle Department, the purpose being to get him out on a Limb and then saw off the Limb.

Poker was written in a Small Town. The Hay-Mow Graduate with a limited Income, who counts up every Night and sets aside so much for Wheat Cakes, can hold them closer to his Bosom and play them tighter than any Shark that ever floated down the Mississippi.

The newcomer who tried to be Liberal usually went home in his Stocking Feet.

Day by Day the Progressive Element in the Community widened its Horizon, and the Country Club became a Necessity.

The 9-hole Course was laid out by a Scotch Professional, and every Locker contained something besides Clubs.

When the Church Bells were ding-donging at 10 A.M. on Sunday, the former Teacher of the Bible Cla.s.s and the backsliding Ba.s.so of the Choir would be zig-zagging around the Links, the Stake being a Ball a Hole.

Elmer's Father became a Demon with the Irons and had his Name engraved on a Consolation Cup.

Simultaneous with the Golf Epidemic, a good many Families that could not afford Kitchen Cabinets began to glide around in red Touring-Cars.

Any one smelling the Blue Smoke along Main Street and then looking both ways before das.h.i.+ng across to the Drug Store was compelled to admit that the Jays had awakened from their Long Sleep.

Refined Vawdyville was on tap daily, and the Children of those who were only moderately well-to-do knew all the latest improper Songs.

While the men were changing from Jumpers to Tuxedos, the Sisters had not remained stationary.

The Lap Supper was formally abolished soon after Puff Sleeves went out.

Girls who had been brought up on Parchesi and Muggins would sit around the Bridge Table all afternoon, trying to cop out some Lace for the new Party Dress.

An imported Professor taught the Buds how to Tango and Trot.

Within a week after a new one had horrified Newport, the Younger Set would have it down pat and be mopping up the floor with one another.

Of course they were denounced by the local Ministers, but the Guilty Parties never heard the Denunciations, as they were out Motoring at the time.

Whenever there was a Big Session, all Bridles were removed and the Speed Limit abolished.

Riding home in the Livery Hacks about 4 A.M., the Merry-Makers would be all in, but much gratified to know that Vienna and Paree had nothing on them as regards Rough House.

All the elite would get together and open a Keg of Spikes at the slightest Provocation.

It was remarkable how much Dull Care they could banish in one Evening, especially if they got an Early Start.

The Town Pump did a punk Business, but the Side-Boards blossomed with Fusel Oil and Fizzerine.

Intense Excitement prevailed when word came that Elmer was En Route.

Little Knots of People could be seen standing on the Corners, framing a Schedule of Entertainment which involved nearly everything except Sleep.

They said to themselves: "It is up to us to show this proud Pill from the City that we can be a bit Goey when the Going is right. If he thinks he can pull any new Wrinkles on the Provincials, he is ent.i.tled to another Think. We must get into our Evening Glads early this Afternoon and clear the Decks for a Hard Night."

While they were making these grim Preparations, Elmer was doubled up in Section 8, reading a sterilized Magazine from Boston. Subconsciously he counted the peaceful Days that would ensue.

He figured on going back to the dear old Room under the Eaves, with a patch-work Quilt on the Four-Poster and a Steel Engraving of U. S.

Grant on the Wall.

Having devoted many Days to the Annual Report of the Purity Brigade, he was due to turn in at 9 o'clock each evening, while recuperating in the Country.

The sanctified Product of the new and regenerative Influences at work in every City was plunked down in the Hot-bed of Gaiety at about 4 P.M.

The Comrades of his Boyhood were ma.s.sed on the Platform. As he alighted, they sang, "Hail! Hail! the gang's All Here!" and so on and so on.

They had acquired a Running Start. It was their belief that Elmer would be gratified to know that all the Elect had become slightly spiffed in his Honor.

They sent his Stuff up to the House, crowded Two-Weeks' Cards into his Pockets, and bore him away in a Town Car to the Club, where Relays were waiting to extend Hospitality to the returned Exile until he was Plastered.

They seemed to think he had devoted the years of his Absence to building up a Thirst.