Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 11

You’re reading novel Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 11 online at LightNovelFree.com. Please use the follow button to get notification about the latest chapter next time when you visit LightNovelFree.com. Use F11 button to read novel in full-screen(PC only). Drop by anytime you want to read free – fast – latest novel. It’s great if you could leave a comment, share your opinion about the new chapters, new novel with others on the internet. We’ll do our best to bring you the finest, latest novel everyday. Enjoy!

[Ill.u.s.tration: BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE

_Jones._ "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look--(_Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of gooseberries at the back._) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon is the _Duke of Wellington_, three-decker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt--the city of Cronstadt. We sh.e.l.l that, sir; sh.e.l.l it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how _I_ would take Cronstadt----"

_Brown._ "----After dinner."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HEAVY

_Stranger_ (_just arrived at the City of Eastminster_). "What can I have for dinner, waiter?"

_Waiter._ "Anything you please, sir!"

_Stranger._ "What are you celebrated for here?"

_Waiter._ "Well, sir, there's the cathedral----!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HORRIBLE SUSPICION

_Old Gentleman._ "Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is five s.h.i.+llings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two s.h.i.+llings and sixpence?"

_Waiter._ "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's meat just now, sir."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SELF-EXAMINATION

_Party_ (_slightly influenced_). "Ques.h.i.+on is.h.!.+ Am I fit to go intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!--I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!--Have seen Brish inshychusion--all that shortothing--thatledo--here gos.h.!.+"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DURING THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Old Farmer Wuzzle_ (_reading the bill of fare_). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?"

_Miss Wuzzle_ (_who has been to a fas.h.i.+onable boarding-school to be finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand pianner" and who is never at a loss_). "Aller cart, father? Why, that means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875.--_Brown_ (_behind the age, but hungry_). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."

_Head Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir?"

_Brown._ "The bill of fare."

_Head Waiter._ "The what, sir? O!--ah!--Yes!"--(_to subordinate_)--"Chawles, bring this--this--a--gen'leman--the _menoo_!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "MELTING!"

_Stout Chairman_ (_who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive_). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."

_Waiter._ "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"

_Stout Chairman._ "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week."

"Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fis.h.!.+"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER"

"All right, sir! My fault!"]

DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE

(_In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors_)

SCENE--_The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left, and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages._

_Smith._ I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did you get that toast-and-water?

_Brown._ I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the recipe if you like.

_Smith._ Do. It was excellent. What _is_ the secret?

_Brown._ Something, I fancy, to do with watercress.

_Jones._ I say, Brown, that was really very nice sherbet. Turkish or Persian?

_Brown._ Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made.

_Jones._ Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had been manufactured east of the Levant.

_Brown._ More likely east of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a whitewash before we join the ladies?

_Six Guests._ No, thanks! Really not!

_Half-a-dozen more of the Company._ Really not! No, thanks!

_Brown._ Nonsense! (_Produces a pint bottle of lemonade._) Nonsense, I repeat! Look here, my boys. (_Locks door._) Not one of you fellows shall leave the room until you have finished _this_!

[_Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon the temperance orgy._

Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 11

You're reading novel Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 11 online at LightNovelFree.com. You can use the follow function to bookmark your favorite novel ( Only for registered users ). If you find any errors ( broken links, can't load photos, etc.. ), Please let us know so we can fix it as soon as possible. And when you start a conversation or debate about a certain topic with other people, please do not offend them just because you don't like their opinions.


Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 11 summary

You're reading Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 11. This novel has been translated by Updating. Author: John Alexander Hammerton and John Leech already has 725 views.

It's great if you read and follow any novel on our website. We promise you that we'll bring you the latest, hottest novel everyday and FREE.

LightNovelFree.com is a most smartest website for reading novel online, it can automatic resize images to fit your pc screen, even on your mobile. Experience now by using your smartphone and access to LightNovelFree.com

RECENTLY UPDATED NOVEL