Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14

You’re reading novel Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14 online at LightNovelFree.com. Please use the follow button to get notification about the latest chapter next time when you visit LightNovelFree.com. Use F11 button to read novel in full-screen(PC only). Drop by anytime you want to read free – fast – latest novel. It’s great if you could leave a comment, share your opinion about the new chapters, new novel with others on the internet. We’ll do our best to bring you the finest, latest novel everyday. Enjoy!

"In Spring when woods are getting green,"

My wife begins the house to clean, And I am driven from this scene, Of scrub-land.

The mops and pails left on the stairs I come across, quite unawares, And break my s.h.i.+ns and utter--prayers, For tub-land.

In clouds of dust I choke and cough, Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff, I'd go (if I were not a toff) To pub-land.

But--mum--I won't kick up a s.h.i.+ne Nor of delight give any sign, But, quietly, I'm off to dine In Club-land.

A SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore.

A MONSTER MEETING.--A giant and a dwarf.

POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's.

TURF REFORM.--Mowing the lawn.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Quiet Man_ (_as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close_). "Er--will somebody pa.s.s the _salt_, please?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Adolphus_ (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "Waitar--you can--ah--leave us!"

_Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you'll pard'n me, sir--we've so many gents--'don't wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--'fact is, sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we're--you see, sir--'_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A HAGGIS!]

DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT

Abolish party? Whose delight were greater Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.

But oh! I _can't_ agree with the _Spectator_, Who'd do away with--G.o.ds!--the dinner party!

No, let us compromise,--we'll all be winners,-- And firmly banish party from our dinners!

SYMPATHY

(SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R.'s house_)

_Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day.

_Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver.

_Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean.

[_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra s.h.i.+lling_]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A--I can't cure it." _Bedell Junior._ "Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it'll never smoke again!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "CRAMMING"]

"CRAMMING."

_Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?"

_Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"

[_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none----"

_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!"

_Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgs.h.!.+ No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time--don' le'sh be"--(_lurching heavily_)--"osht'n--tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SEASONABLE LUXURY

Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14

You're reading novel Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14 online at LightNovelFree.com. You can use the follow function to bookmark your favorite novel ( Only for registered users ). If you find any errors ( broken links, can't load photos, etc.. ), Please let us know so we can fix it as soon as possible. And when you start a conversation or debate about a certain topic with other people, please do not offend them just because you don't like their opinions.


Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14 summary

You're reading Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14. This novel has been translated by Updating. Author: John Alexander Hammerton and John Leech already has 772 views.

It's great if you read and follow any novel on our website. We promise you that we'll bring you the latest, hottest novel everyday and FREE.

LightNovelFree.com is a most smartest website for reading novel online, it can automatic resize images to fit your pc screen, even on your mobile. Experience now by using your smartphone and access to LightNovelFree.com

RECENTLY UPDATED NOVEL