Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 14

"In Spring when woods are getting green,"

My wife begins the house to clean, And I am driven from this scene, Of scrub-land.

The mops and pails left on the stairs I come across, quite unawares, And break my s.h.i.+ns and utter--prayers, For tub-land.

In clouds of dust I choke and cough, Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff, I'd go (if I were not a toff) To pub-land.

But--mum--I won't kick up a s.h.i.+ne Nor of delight give any sign, But, quietly, I'm off to dine In Club-land.

A SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore.

A MONSTER MEETING.--A giant and a dwarf.

POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's.

TURF REFORM.--Mowing the lawn.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Quiet Man_ (_as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close_). "Er--will somebody pa.s.s the _salt_, please?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Adolphus_ (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "Waitar--you can--ah--leave us!"

_Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you'll pard'n me, sir--we've so many gents--'don't wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--'fact is, sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we're--you see, sir--'_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A HAGGIS!]

DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT

Abolish party? Whose delight were greater Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.

But oh! I _can't_ agree with the _Spectator_, Who'd do away with--G.o.ds!--the dinner party!

No, let us compromise,--we'll all be winners,-- And firmly banish party from our dinners!

SYMPATHY

(SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R.'s house_)

_Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day.

_Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver.

_Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean.

[_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra s.h.i.+lling_]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A--I can't cure it." _Bedell Junior._ "Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it'll never smoke again!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "CRAMMING"]

"CRAMMING."

_Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?"

_Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"

[_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none----"

_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!"

_Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgs.h.!.+ No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time--don' le'sh be"--(_lurching heavily_)--"osht'n--tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SEASONABLE LUXURY