Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 16

Moral.--_How ridiculous a man appears--particularly a man at a grave period of life--who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!_]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

_Dyspeptic Diner._ "Um"--(_forking it suspiciously_)--"what is it, waiter?"

'_Robert._' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say what it may be on the dis.h.!.+"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _His Partner._ "I really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of----"

_He._ "Great Scott! That reminds me--I've left the bathroom tap at home full on!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE NICE LITTLE DINNER

_Tommy_ (_who is standing a feed to Harry_). "Oh, hang it, you know, fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong, ain't it?"

_Waiter_ (_with perfect composure_). "We have some _cheap_ wine, sir, at half-a-guinea!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TOO LITERAL BY HALF

SCENE.--_A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L--nd--n._

_Waiter._ "Paysir? Yessir--Whataveyeradsir?"

_Matter-of-fact old gentleman_ (_who has been reading the "Quarterly" on "Food and its adulterations"_). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from qua.s.sia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients."

[_Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Dolly._ "Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have you _really_ left your songs at home?"

_Miss Sharp._ "Yes, dear. Why?"

_Dolly._ "Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EUREKA!--_Isaacstein_ (_late of Whitechapel, showing old friend over bathroom in new house_). "What am I goin' to do with it?

Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep goldfis.h.!.+"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Juvenile._ "Uncle!"

_Uncle._ "Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me up, sir!"

_Juvenile._ "Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pa.s.s the wine, that's a good old chap."]

NURSERIANA.--_Little Chris._ "Oh! mamma, mamma, baby's moulted again."

_Mamma._ "Moulted! What do you mean?"

_Little Chris._ "Why, he's just dropped another tooth!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER

(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SAT UPON

_Hospitable Host._ "Does any gentleman say pudden?"

_Precise Guest._ "No, sir. No _gentleman_ says _pudden_."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNEXPECTED GRATUITY.--_Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir, but I think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"

_Old Gent_ (_grandly_). "Oh dear no--not at all, not at all! I never give less!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Hickling_ (_to friend, who finds some difficulty in keeping his cigar alight_). "I say, old man, what matches do you smoke?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _He._ "Fond of Bridge?"

_She._ "Awfully!"

_He._ "Do you know I always think there's something _wanting_ in people who don't play?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: