The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 25

"Will you be quiet?" said Mr. Nimble petulantly, for it was a foolish observation for the prisoner to make, inasmuch as, if Mr. b.u.mpkin had been represented by professional skill, the remark would surely be met at the trial with abundant evidence to disprove it. Mr. b.u.mpkin at present, however, has no professional skill.

Here something disturbed me, and I awoke. While preparing to enjoy my pipe as was my custom in these intervals, my wife remarked:

"I do not approve of that Master O'Rapley by any means, with his cynicisms and sarcasms and round squares. Did ever anyone hear of such a contradiction?"

"Have patience," quoth I, "and we shall see how worthy Master O'Rapley makes it out. I conjecture that he means the same thing that we hear of under the term, 'putting the round peg into the square hole.'"

"But why should such a thing be done when it is easy surely to find a square peg that would fit?"

"Granted; but the master-hand may be under obligations to the round peg; or the round peg may be a disagreeable peg, or a hundred things: one doesn't know. I am but a humble observer of human nature, and like not these ungracious cavillings at Master O'Rapley. Let us calmly follow this dream, and endeavour to profit by its lessons without finding fault with its actors."

"But I would like to have a better explanation of that Round Square, nevertheless," muttered my wife as she went on with her knitting. So to appease her I discoursed as follows:-

"The round square," said I, "means the inappropriate combination of opposites."

"Now, not too long words," said she, "and not too much philosophy."

"Very well, my dear," I continued; "Don O'Rapley is right, not in his particular instance, but in the general application of his meaning. Look around upon the world, or so much of it as is comprised within our own limited vision, and what do you find?"

"I find everything," said my wife, "beautifully ordered and arranged, from the Archbishop of Canterbury to the Parish Beadle."

"What do you find?" I repeated. "Mark the O'Rapley's knowledge of human nature, you not only find Waterloos won in the Cricket-field of Eton, but Bishop.r.i.c.ks and Secretarys.h.i.+ps and many other glorious victories; so that you might-"

"Don't be foolish; Trafalgar was not won in the Cricket-field."

"No, but it was fought on the Isis or the Cam, I forget which. But carry the O'Rapley's theory into daily life, and test it by common observation, what do you find? Why, that this round square is by no means a modern invention. It has been worked in all periods of our history. Here is a Vicar with a rich benefice, intended by nature for a Jockey or a Whipper-in-"

"What, the benefice?"

"No, the Vicar! Here is a barrister who ought to have been a curate, and become enthusiastic over worked slippers: there is another thrust into a Government appointment, not out of respect to him, the Minister doesn't know him, but to serve a political friend, or to place an investment in the hands of a political rival, who will return it with interest on a future day. The gentleman thus provided for at the country's expense would, if left to himself, have probably become an excellent billiard-marker or pigeon-shooter. Here is another, who, although a member of Parliament, was elected by no const.i.tuency under Heaven or above it; and it is clear he was intended by Nature for a position where obsequiousness and servility meet with their appropriate reward. Another fills the post of some awful Commissioner of something, drawing an immense salary, and doing an immense amount of mischief for it, intended naturally for a secretary to an Autocratic n.o.bleman, who would trample the rights of the people under foot. Here is another-"

"O pray, my dear, do not let us have another-"

"Only one more," said I; "here is another, thrust into the Cabinet for being so disagreeable a fellow, who ought to have been engaged in making fireworks for Crystal Palace fetes."

"But this is only an opinion of yours; how do you know these gentlemen are not fitted for the posts they occupy? surely if they do the work-"

"The public would have no right to grumble."

"And as for obsequiousness and servility, I am afraid those are epithets too often unjustly applied to those gentlemen whose courteous demeanour wins them the respect of their superiors."

"Quite so," said I; "and I don't see that it matters what is the distinguis.h.i.+ng epithet you apply to them: this courteous demeanour or obsequiousness is no doubt the very best gift Nature can bestow upon an individual as an outfit for the voyage of life."

"Dear me, you were complaining but just now of its placing men in positions for which they were not qualified."

"Not complaining, my love; only remarking. I go in for obsequiousness, and trust I shall never be found wanting in that courteous demeanour towards my superiors which shall lead to my future profit."

"But would you have men only courteous?"

"By no means, I would have them talented also."

"But in what proportion would you have the one to the other?"

"I would have the same proportion maintained that exists between the rudder and the s.h.i.+p: you want just enough tact to steer your obsequiousness."

Here again I dozed.

CHAPTER XVIII.

A comfortable evening at the Goose

When Mr. b.u.mpkin left the Mansion House, he was in a state of great triumph not to say ecstasy: for it seemed to him that he had had everything his own way. He was not cross-examined; no witnesses were called, and it had only been stated by the prisoner himself, not proved, although he said he should prove it at the trial, that the watch had been in the family for upwards of forty years.

"The biggest lie," muttered Master b.u.mpkin, "that ever wur told." And then he reasoned in this wise: "how could it a bin in his family forty year when he, b.u.mpkin, only lost it the day afore in the most barefaced manner? He was a pooty feller as couldn't tell a better story than thic."

And then methought in my dream, "Ah, b.u.mpkin, thou may'st triumph now, but little dreamest thou what is in store for thee at the trial. Wait till all those little insignificant points, hardly visible at present, shall rise, like spear-heads against thee at the Old Bailey and thrust thee through and through and make thee curse the advocate's skill and the thief's impudence and the inertness of the so-called Public Prosecutor: and mayhap, I know not yet, show thee how wrong and robbery may triumph over right and innocence. Thou hast raised thyself, good b.u.mpkin, from the humblest poverty to comparative wealth and a lawsuit: but boast not overmuch lest thou find Law a taskmaster instead of a Protector!

Thus, moralizing in my dream I perceived that Mr. b.u.mpkin after talking to some men betook himself to a Bus and proceeded on his way to the "Goose" at Westminster, whither he arrived in due time and in high spirits.

The Goose was a nice cosy public-house, situated, as I before observed, near the river side and commanded a beautiful view of the neighbouring wharves and the pa.s.sing craft. It was a favourite resort of waterside men, carters, carriers, labourers on the wharf and men out of work. The Military also patronized it:-And many were the jovial tales told around the taproom hearth by members of Her Majesty's troops to admiring and astonished Ignorance.

It was a particularly cold and bleak day, this ninth of March one thousand eight hundred and something. The wind was due East and accompanied ever and anon with mighty thick clouds of sleet and snow.

The fireside therefore was particularly comfortable, and the cheery faces around the hearth were pleasant to behold.

Now Mr. b.u.mpkin, as the reader knows, was not alone in his expedition.

He had his witness, named Joseph Wurzel: called in the village "c.o.c.ky,"

inasmuch as it was generally considered that he set much by his wisdom: and was possessed of considerable attainments. For instance, he could snare a hare as well as any man in the county: or whistle down pheasants to partake of a Buckwheat refection which he was in the habit of spreading for their repast.

A good many fellows who were envious of Joe's abilities avowed that "he was a regler cunnin' feller, as ud some day find out his mistake;"

meaning thereby that Joe would inevitably be sent to prison. Others affirmed that he was a good deal too cunning for that; that he was a regular artful dodger, and knew how to get round the vicar and all in authority under him. The reader knows that he was a regular attendant at Church, and by that means was in high favour. Nor was his mother behind hand in this respect, especially in the weeks before Christmas; and truly her religion brought its reward even in this world in the shape of Parish Gifts.

No doubt Joe was fond of the chase, but in this respect he but imitated his superiors, except that I believe he occasionally went beyond them in the means he employed.

a.s.sembled in this common room at the Goose on the night in question, were a number of persons of various callings and some of no calling in particular. Most of them were acquainted, and apparently regular customers. One man in particular became a great favourite with Joe, and that was Jacob Wideawake the Birdcatcher; and it was interesting to listen to his conversation on the means of catching and transforming the London Sparrow into an article of Commerce.

Joe's dress no doubt attracted the attention of his companions when he first made his appearance, for it was something out of the ordinary style: and certainly one might say that great care had been bestowed upon him to render his personal appearance attractive in the witness-box. He wore a wideawake hat thrown back on his head, thus displaying his brown country-looking face to full advantage. His coat was a kind of dark velveteen which had probably seen better days in the Squire's family; so had the long drab waistcoat. His corduroy trousers, of a light green colour, were hitched up at the knees with a couple of straps as though he wore his garters outside. His neckerchief was a bright red, tied round his neck in a careless but not unpicturesque manner. Take him for all in all he was as fine a specimen of a country lad as one could wish to meet,-tall, well built, healthy looking, and even handsome.

Now Mr. b.u.mpkin, being what is called "a close man," and p.r.o.ne to keep his own counsel on all occasions when it was not absolutely necessary to reveal it, had said nothing about his case before the Lord Mayor; not even Mrs. Oldtimes had he taken into his confidence. It is difficult to understand his motive for such secrecy, as it is impossible to trace in nine instances out of ten any particular line of human conduct to its source.

Acting probably on some vague information that he had received, Mr.

b.u.mpkin looked into the room, and told Joe that he thought they should be "on" to-morrow. He had learned the use of that legal term from frequent intercourse with Mr. Prigg. He thought they should be on but "wur not sartin."

"Well," said Joe, "the sooner the better. I hates this ere hangin'