May We Be Forgiven Part 67

"Ask her if there's a Home Depot," Cheryl whispers. "Men gravitate towards hardware."

"Is there a Home Depot?"

"Yes," she says.

"Check there. Find one of the people in an orange vest and tell them that you're with the missing person."

There's a bit of a delay, and then Amanda says: "The orange vests are on the lookout. Hang on-something's coming over the walkie-talkie.... They've spotted him in the plumbing section-he's peeing in one of the display toilets. I'm heading over there now. He sees me. He's heading the other way, he's running. My father is running away. I've got to go. I'll call you later," she says, hanging up.

While I'm talking, Cheryl has been adding things to my cart, things I don't notice until I'm in the checkout line: enemas, Tampax, adult diapers, duct tape, and now she's somewhere in the makeup aisle.

"What do you think of these?" Cheryl texts.

I turn my head; standing at the end of an aisle, Cheryl lifts her s.h.i.+rt and flashes me a bare breast wearing false eyelashes.

My heart beats fast-did anyone else see that?

"Is this yours?" the man at the register asks, taking a large tube of K-Y out of my basket.

"No," I say as I'm rapidly digging through and taking out the glycerin suppositories. "All that's mine is the Purell and the travel sizes. Someone must have confused my cart for theirs." I take out a box of Midol and leave it on the counter.

She texts again: "I'm not the only one laughing."

"How do you confuse your cart when you've got diapers and a large milk of magnesia?" someone mumbles.

"He's just embarra.s.sed," someone else says.

"I'm not embarra.s.sed," I say. "I was buying travel sizes for a family trip."

The security guard comes towards me. "What's the problem?"

"These people keep saying that I'm embarra.s.sed by what's in my basket-but my point is, someone put these items in my cart and no one believes me."

"Do you want to buy the things or not?"

"No," I say, putting my hands up, as though surrendering. "Forget it, I'll do it some other time."

"Look, mister, get what you need. Don't let people intimidate you."

"I'm not intimidated," I say, my pocket vibrating again.

"Sore loser," Cheryl texts.

I pay for my items, and the security guard follows me to the door. I buzz loudly as I leave, and I just stand there-knowing Cheryl is watching from somewhere laughing.

"Go," the guy says.

"But I'm making noise," I say.

"Did you steal anything?" he asks.

"Of course not."

"Then just go."

"I've got a falsie glued onto my nipple and no idea how to get it off-I wasn't thinking about how much more sensitive nipples are when I put it on," Cheryl says when I catch up with her.

"Try nail-polish remover," I say.

"I already did, on aisle three; that's why I was late."

"Well, then, you're going to have to keep it on until it falls off," I say, unmoved.

She sticks her hand into my back pocket and pulls out a bunch of metallic bar-code sensors. "You're free," she says.

"You're getting too weird," I say.

"I admit it," she says. "I'm jealous."

"Of what?"

"Of you and what's-her-name."

"Amanda," I say.

"Exactly," she says.

On Sunday, when I take Ricardo to Aunt Christina's house, I tell Christina and the uncle that I've been planning a South Africa bar mitzvah for Nate. I describe the trip, explaining that, as part of the celebration, we might slaughter and cook a goat, there will be dancing and people wearing traditional beaded costumes, old-fas.h.i.+oned drums, and feathers. I can tell they think it's weird.

Christina shakes her head. "I don't know why you want to go into the past when the future is right here in front of you."

"He is a historian," Ricardo explains. "He lives in the past. All day he reads books about things that already happened."

The uncle revs Ricardo's remote-control car and sends it speeding across the floor backwards and forwards-popping wheelies.

"Does Ricardo have a pa.s.sport?" I ask.

"I don't think so," the aunt says.

"Is it okay with you if I find out what we need to do in order to get one?"

She nods.

Ricardo dances around the room. "I'm goin' on safari," he says. "On safari, I'm gonna catch an ele-phant, an ele-phant."

The uncle crashes his car into Ricardo's foot-on purpose.

"Have a good time," he says.

The invites arrive. They are beautiful, substantive, serious. The envelope looks elegant with its blue tissue lining. I FedEx one to Nate.

"I got the invitation," he says-it sounds like he's crying.

"You don't like it?" I ask, heart sinking.

"No," he says. "I mean yes. It looks totally real."

"It is real," I say.

His crying sniffles to a stop. "I'm kind of amazed. Since everything went weird with Mom and Dad, I gave up on the normal stuff-it just didn't seem possible."

"So you think it's okay?"

"It's great," he says.

"All right, then, what kind of cake do you like?" I ask, figuring I should take care of a few things on my checklist while I've got him on the phone.

"Chocolate," he says.

"And what about the Torah-have you decided what you want to do in terms of a reading?"

"You know," he says, "I'm not really so into Hebrew as a language. I kind of want to write my own thing...."

"Consisting of what?"

"Have you ever been to Burning Man?"

Sofia sends out the invites, each addressed in her beautiful calligraphic script. She gives me a computer spreadsheet to track the RSVPs. I know the invitations have landed when Cousin Jason starts e-mailing me bad press about South Africa, articles saying that car crashes are the leading cause of tourist death, and about how many people are mugged at the airports, and that there's been increased violence against white people and diseases like Ebola, and that if you're stopped at a red light at night, people will come and smash your windows and grab whatever is in your car, or hijack you.

"Thanks for all the advice," I write back. "I'll a.s.sume from the attachments that you'll be joining us in spirit but not in person."

Shopping heavily from both the Oriental Trading Company and the Lillian Vernon catalogue, Sofia has ordered pencils, notebooks, and backpacks for every kid in the village. She's packed giant plastic tubs with soccer jerseys, school supplies, musical instruments, sheet music, a ca.s.sette player, and a recorded copy of all the songs she wants them to learn, along with devil's-food cake mix, chocolate frosting, sprinkles, and candles.

Meanwhile, on the floor of George's office are four suitcases that I've been packing with clothing for the children-the same items for each kid but in different sizes and colors. I take Ricardo and Ashley to Dr. Faustus for shots, and arrange for Nate to get what he needs at school.

And as I prepare, I worry; I don't doubt that the villagers' affection for Nate is genuine, but without the money backing him up, they would be less enthusiastic. Not wanting to detract from his moment, I say nothing to Nate, but I am aware they are working us for our sympathies, for whatever we can give, as well they should-if ever there was a population ent.i.tled to reparations, this is it.

During an increasingly rare afternoon rendezvous, Amanda tells me there's more to know about the murdered girl, Heather Ryan.

"Like what?"

"Like when I found her wallet I found some other stuff too."

I look at her. "Like what?" I repeat.

"Gym clothes, notebooks from school-stuff."

"Do you ever think of giving it back to her family?"

"No," she says.

"Why not?"

"They have a whole lifetime of her stuff, but this is all I have," she says.

"But they are her family-"

"And she is me," Amanda says, cutting me off.

"So, when you said there's more to know about her, what did you mean?"

"Her cell phone still works."

"I guess her parents haven't turned it off yet. I'm sure it's not the first thing on their list."

"She gets messages...."

"What kind of messages, and from who?"

"Voice mail from her best friend."

"Really?" I ask, surprised.

Amanda nods and hands me the phone. "The first one is from the day she went missing," she says, pus.h.i.+ng the voice-mail b.u.t.ton and putting it on speakerphone. "Where are you? h.e.l.loooo? Call me. Okay, seriously, why are you being so weird? Call. Should I be worried? If you don't call me in the next five minutes I'm going to call Adam.... Okay, so Adam doesn't know where you are either. FYI, you're officially a missing person.... h.e.l.loooo! Okay, so, the police told your parents that they found your body in a garbage bag. Your mom screamed and then vomited all over the kitchen floor. Your dad told me and Mrs. Gursky to stay with her, and he left with the police. Mrs. Gursky cleaned up the mess. I took your mom into the living room. I'm not sure what to think. I spent the night in your room with your sister. We just kind of sat up. I kept thinking you'd come home at any moment-and show everyone that this whole thing with search dogs and people canvasing was all a giant overreaction. Your dad got back at about five in the morning. They made him look at your dead body to make sure it was you. How could you be dead? Is it freaky that I'm calling a dead person? I guess I don't really believe it. It's like I won't believe it until you tell me it's true. You're the one who always tells me what is and what isn't, how weird is that? Who am I supposed to talk to now? I went home this afternoon, my parents kept asking if I was okay. I'm not okay, but I couldn't take the way they were looking at me, like I was a lost dog. I had to get out of the house, and then all these reporters were chasing after me and I went to your house and your family is a mess, which makes sense. The rest of us are, like, in shock. I met Adam at the park; he thinks that it's all his fault, on account of how he didn't believe you when you said you weren't going out with that guy, and that he f.u.c.ked everything up...."

"How many of these are there?" I ask Amanda.

"A lot," she says. They go on: "Today was your funeral, you would have loved it. Everyone was there, even Mr. Krupatskini, who acted like he was in charge, and of course no one paid any attention to him, but your parents let him announce that there's now a scholars.h.i.+p in your name. And your mom invited me over and took me into your room and asked if there was something special of yours that I wanted; I took the bracelet you shoplifted in seventh grade. 'That was one of her favorites,' your mom said. 'I know,' I said. 'I have a matching.' And she gave my sister your old blue bike. Your dad looks like he's going to have a breakdown; he keeps doing that thing where he sweeps his hair back off his forehead, but since he's bald it looks freaky to see him sweeping invisible hair off his head over and over again.

"Meanwhile, you'll never guess who killed you: it was the guy with the b.u.mps on his face who Adam thought you were going out with. The reason he knew so much about you was because he had your old journal, so he did kind of know you. Now I keep dreaming that he's following me. I know this is supposed to be about you, and in the dream it's like I'm second best.

"Do you think there's any chance you'll come back-is that too weird to ask?

"What's it like there? Is it a real place? Are there other people?

"Miss you."

Amanda pushes the skip b.u.t.ton a few times. "Sorry not to have called in a while. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but Adam and I are sort of seeing each other. You're not mad, are you?"

"And then it stops," Amanda says. "The phone got turned off."

"Who is she to you?"

"I don't know. Like someone I never was. I feel very close to her. I'm a.s.suming these will stay on here as long as I keep the phone charged-or do they, like, vanish over time?" she asks.

"I have no idea," I say, uncomfortably mesmerized.

We part company at the grocery store; she has shopping to do, and I need to get home in time to meet Ricardo's bus.