The Nanny Diaries Part 7

"So??!!"

"I ummmm, yeah,yes Ihave, I? hestammers.

"He-llo! Are you ever not speechless?" I attempt to s.h.i.+mmy so that I can face the wall. Of course, in thisfive-by-seven boxI makeit all oftwodegreesawayfromhim. Heisquietfor a moment. "Look,I'm reallysorryfortheother night. Sometimes thoseguys canbereala.s.sholes when theydrink.I knowthat's no excuse,but,I mean, they're justoldfriendsfromhighschool?

"And?" I saytothewall.

"And ..." Heseemsstumped. "Andyoushouldn't judgemebasedononedrunkennightatDorrian's."

I s.h.i.+mmy back to facehim. "Um, yeah. hat's one drunken night when your buddies from 'back in the day' called me a ho. Listen, sometimes I hang out with friends whose politics I don't agree with, but onlyup to apoint. If,oh, say, gangrapewere ontheagendafortheevening, I wouldspeakup!"

"Well!"

"Well?"

"Well, for someone who didn't like it when snap judgments were made about you, it's pretty hypocritical ofyoutojudgeme soquicklybasedontheirbehavior."

"Fair enough." I take a deep breath and try to straighten to my full height. "Let me clarify, I'm judging youonthefactthatyoudidn't step intoshutthemup."

He looks back at me. "Okay, I should've said something. I'm sorry things got so out of hand." He tucks his hair behindhis ear. "Listen, come out with me tonightand let me make it up to you.I'm hangingout with some college friends. t's a whole different crowd, I promise." The door slides open and both a woman in a cashmere wrap and her standard poodle glare with annoyance because there is no room for themaroundmycostume. Thedoorslidesclosed.I realizeI haveonlytwomorefloorstoacquiesce.

"Obviously, I have a really decadent affair ahead of me." I gesture with one three-fingered hand to my purpletorso. "ButI cantrytostop byaroundten."

"Great! I'm not sure exactly where we're going. We were thinking of Chaos, or The Next Thing, but we'll definitely beatNightingale's till eleven."

THE NANNY DIARIES "Well, I'll try to make it." Despite the fact that I am not completely clear where, in his list of destinations, I should aim to make it to.The doors open to the lobby and I attempt a s.e.xywaddle to the car,tryingtoremember toleadwith myhips.

I wait until H. H. is safely around the corner and then, after one last a.s.s-push from the doormen, we are on our way. I take a little bit of pleasure from the fact that Mrs. X is forced to lean across and pin the cardonGrayer herselfa.s.shehastheuseof all tenofherfingers.

"Honey, 1 finally found out who the Brightmans used to book their safari? she begins, but Mr. X gestures to the phone and shakes his head. Not to be outdone she pulls her Startac out of her Judith Leiberpumpkinclutch anddials. Thepuffy,primary-coloredsideof thecarsits inprolongedsilence.

"... I don't thinkher decoratordid averygoodjob..."

"... takeanotherhardlookatthosenumbers?

"... andmauve?"

".. .atthatAPR?Is henuts?"

"... bamboofor akitchen!"

"... buybacktenbillionover thenextthreeyears..."

I lookdownatGrayerandpokehisyellow tummy with apurplefinger. Helooksup andpokesme back.

I squeezehis feltchub,he squeezesmine.

"So." Mr. X flips his phone closed with a loud click and looks at me. "Do they have Halloween in Australia?"

"Um, I, uh, think they have something calledAll Souls' Day, but, um, 1 don't think people dress up or, uh,trick-or-treat,traditionally,"1 answer.

"Honey,"Mrs. X intercedes. "ThisisNanny.Shetookover from C-a-i-t-1-i-n."

"Oh,right,right,of course.You're prelaw?"

"I wanttositnexttoMommy!" Grayer suddenlybursts out.

"Grove,staynexttomeandkeepmecompany,"I say, looking down.

"No!I wanttositnexttoMommy now."

Mrs. X looks over at Mr. X, who has retreated back behind his paper. "We don't want to get your fun makeup onMommy's coat?staywith Nanny,sweetie."

After a few more rounds,he finally tuckersout andthefour of ussit insilenceas thecarglides down to the very bottom of the city, where the dense, narrow streets of Lower Manhattan give way to the imposing towers of the Financial District. The neighborhood appears deserted, except for the funereal lineoftowncarsformingoutside Mr. X's company.

Mr. and Mrs. X slide out and march ahead of us into the building, leaving Grayer and me una.s.sisted to maneuveroursphericalbodiesoutofthecarandontothesidewalk.

"Nanny,saythreeand I'll pus.h.!.+Saythree,Nanny! SAY IT!"

With his little feet in my backside and my face nearly on the sidewalk it's no wonder he can't hear me whenI scream, "Three!"

I smush my face to the left to see Grayer sticking his lips out the crack in the window. "Didja say it, Nanny?Didja?"

I can sense a flurry of activity behind my enormous haunches, accompanied by snippets of the mastermind atwork. "Okay, nowI'm Rabbit... and you .. . you're Pooh ... and ... are youcounting?... and ... after all the honey ... stuck in the tree. HAT'S THREE, NANNY, on THREE!" He could be constructing acatapult outofc.o.c.ktailnapkinsbacktherefor all I know?

WHOMP!.

"I didit!Nanny,I didit!"

I right myself, reach down with my three-fingered hand for his, and we waddle with pride toward the entrance. Mr. andMrs. X havekindly heldtheelevator forusandwe rideup totheforty-fifthfloorwith anothercouplewhosechildrencouldn't attend. "Homework."

We all step out into a cavernous reception area, which has been transformed into a Tim Burton film. hemarblewalls arecoveredincut-out batsandfakecobwebs,every inchoftheceilingdrips in streamers, spiders, and skeletons. Thereare numerous bar tables strategically placed at regular intervals aroundtheroom,eachaglowwith a hand'carvedpumpkin centerpiece.

It seems as thoughevery unemployed actor in thetristate area has been called in to entertain the troops. At the reception desk Frankenstein pretends to answer phones, Betty Boop walks by with a tray of drinks, and Marilyn is singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to a cl.u.s.ter of Mr. X's colleagues in the corner. Grayerlooksaroundwith a bitof trepidationuntilGarfield comes bywith a trayof peanutb.u.t.ter andjellysandwiches.

"You can take one. Go ahead, Grayer," 1 encourage him. He has some trouble with the gloves on, but managestosecureoneandmunches,slowlymus.h.i.+nghis bodytighteragainstmyleg.

The far wall is a breathtaking, floor-to-ceiling view of the Statue of Liberty. I seem to be the only one appreciating it, but then I'm also one of the few nannies with a visible face.Apparently Mrs. X was not alone in her concept for the evening; all the nannies are in huge rented costumes at least three feet in circ.u.mference; the child is a small Snow White, nanny is a large Dwarf, the child is a small farmer, nanny is a very large cow, the child is a small Pied Piper, nanny is a large rat. However, the winners, hands down, are the Teletubbies. I exchange wan smiles across the room with two Tinky Winkys from Jamaica.

A couplewith asmallWoodstockandlargeSnoopyintowcomes over tous.

"Darling,youlookfabulous!" says thewifetoMrs. X,ormaybe Grayer.

"HappyHalloween,Jacqueline,"Mrs. Xreplies,givingher anair kiss.

Jacqueline, wearing a tiny pink pillbox hat with her blackArmani, barrels on to Mr. X. "Darling, you're notincostume, youbadboy!" Herown betrothediswearing a captain's hatwith his pinstripedsuit.

"I'm dressedas a lawyer,"Mr. Xsays. "Butreally,I'm aninvestmentbanker!"

"Stop!" Jacqueline says, giggling. "You're such a st.i.tch!" She looks down at Laa-Laa and Woodstock. "You little darlings should go check out the games area. t's fabulous!" I look over at Snoopy, who's listing under the weight of the giant head. "We got a much better company this year to organize the wholething.TheydidBlackstone's 4thof JulyBungeeJump andc.o.c.ktails."

"I heard that was lovely. Mitzi Newmann's gotten addicted. She had a free-fall bridge installed in Connecticut. Go ahead, Grayer," Mrs. X encourages. He stares up at all the macabre mayhem and doesn't lookentirely convincedthathewantstobeseparatedfromhisparentsrightnow.

"Go on,sport,and ifyou're good, I'll takeyoutoseetheexecutive diningroom," Mr. Xsays, prompting Grayer tolookup atme.

"Where Daddy has lunch," I explain. I take his hand and follow our Peanuts teamto the children's area, which is cordoned off with a little picket fence. As Barbie opens the gate I look at her. "Good idea," I say, "let's keepout thegrown-ups."

The whole twenty-foot area is rilled with activity tables and games that seem mostly to involve throwing things. (A miscalculation on someone's part, I think, as a small Big Bird goes down.) I notice veryquicklythatthegrown-up drink traysaren't circulatinginhereandleanoutover thefencetoswipe a little relief. Occasionally parents swing by, like maitre d's, to ask if the child is enjoying him/herself andremark, "Amarshmallow ghost! Ooooh,scary!", thenturnbacktoeachothertoadd, "You justhave no idea what our renovation is costing. t's really staggering. But Bill wanted a screening room."And theyshrug,rolltheireyes, andshaketheirheads.

Mrs. X has come in with Sally Kirkpatrick, a woman I recognize from Grayer's swimming cla.s.s, to watch her three-foot Batman try to obliterate his ring-toss opponents. I come up behind them to check inaboutbedtime.

THE NANNY DIARIES "Your newgirl's reallygoodatgetting Grayerinthepool,"Mrs. Kirkpatricksays. "Thanks, I wish I could take him, but Tuesday's my day at the Parents League and with ice skating on Fridays and French on Thursdays and CATS on Wednesday I need one day to do something for myself."

"I know, I'm so busy. I'm on four different committees this season. Oh, can I put you down for a table fortheBreastBall?"

"Of course."

"So whathappenedtoCaitlin?Your newgirldidn't seemtoknow."

"Sally,itwas a nightmare. I'm luckyI foundNannywhenI did! Caitlin, whosework I never foundtobe exemplary, by the way, but I put up with it, because, well, one does. Anyway, she had the nerve to ask for the last week ofAugust off after I already gave her the first two weeks of Januarywhen we went to Aspen."

"You're kidding."

"Well, I justfeltshewastryingtotakecomplete advantageofme?

"Ryan,playfair. hatwaslolanthe's ring,"SallyshoutsatherBatman.

"ButI positively didnotknowwhattodo,"Mrs. Xcontinues,sippingPerrier.

"So youfiredher?" Sallyasks, eagerly.

"First I talkedto a professionalproblemconsultant?

"Oh,who'd youuse?"

"BrianSwift."

"I hearhe's great."

"He was fantastic. elped me put the whole thing into perspective. He made it clear that my authority as house manager had been called into question and I had to bring in a replacement to drive the point home."

"Brilliant. Don't let me forgetto get his number from you. I'm having suchproblems with Rosarita. The otherdayI askedherto runup to Midtown to pick up a few things while Ryan was inhockey cla.s.s and shesaid she didn't want tobecauseshedidn't thinkshe'd haveenoughtime togetback.I mean,doesshethinkI don't knowhow longittakestogetaround?"

"I know,it's appalling.Afterall, whenthekids areincla.s.s they're justsittingthere,onourdime. I mean, really."

"So,areyoudonewith all yourinterviews?" Sally asks.

"Well, we have Collegiate on Tuesday, but I'm not sure if I want him on the West Side," Mrs. X says, shakingherhead.

"But it's such a good school. We'd be thrilled if Ryan got in there. We're hoping the violin gives him an edge."

"Oh,Grayerplays thepiano. hadnoideathatwasimportant," Mrs. Xsays.

"Well, itdependsonhis level. Ryan's alreadycompetingregionally..."

"Oh,I see.That's fantastic."

Apprehensiveof what I mightsaytoMrs. X atthis moment on two vodkatonics,I tiptoebackwardand spot Grayer, still slinging beanbags like a pro, which leaves me free to grab another drink and observe the grown-up side of the room. Everyone is dressed in black, the men are tall, the women slim, they all standwith theleftarmfoldedacross theirabdomen,thelefthandsupportingtherightelbowsotheright hand can wave a drink around as they talk.As the pumpkin centerpieces slowly burn down they begin to cast long shadows of bankers and banker wives and everyone is starting to look to me like a Charles Addamscartoon.

I realizeI'm getting woozyfrom theheatand thealcohol, but mypurple posterior doesn't fit into anyof the pint-size plastic chairs. So I sit on the floor a few feet away from the cupcake table where Grayer has stationed himself while his pitching arm recovers. There is so much commotion around us from the Busby Berkeley staff of hired activity folk that I must consciously fix my stare on Grayer while he decorates.h.i.+s fourthcupcake. I leanmyheadagainstthe wall andwatchwith prideashea.s.sertively grabs sprinklesandsilver b.a.l.l.s, whileother childrenwait for their nannies, crouched beside them, to hand over tubes of frosting as if their charges were about to performsurgery.

Eventually, Grayer's frostingfrenzyslows andheis leftstaringwith glossy eyes attheblackandorange cardboard centerpiece, his gooey hands motionless atop the table. Little beads of sweat are forming on his face. e must be boiling in that costume. I crawl over and whisper in his ear, "Hey, Buddy, why don't you take a break from all that cake making and come hang out with me for a bit?" He drops his foreheadonthetable,narrowlymissing his candycornmasterpiece.

"Come on, Grove," I say, slippinghim intomyarms andshufflingback tothewall onmyknees. I unzip his hoodanduse anapkintowipe thedrippingmakeup fromhis foreheadandfrostingfromhis hands.

"I gotta bob for an apple," he mumbles as I lay him down with his head resting on the white rectangle ofmycostumed lap.

"Sure,justcloseyoureyes for a fewminutesfirst."

I take a swigfrom mynewestdrink, lettingtheroomsoften abit moreasI fa.n.u.sbothwith aprospectus left beneath a nearby cabinet. Grayer's body becomes heavy as he drifts off. Closing my eyes, I try to picture myself in this room at some important business-type thing, but can't seem to conjure anything otherthanleading aboardmeetingasTmkyWinky.

I must keep nodding off, because I start to dream about Mrs. X, in a mink Laa-Laa costume, trying to convince me that 1 really should let her speak to H. H.'s posse about the whole "ho-thing" as "setting boundaries" is "her middle name."Then Mr. X dances in to the tune of "Monster Mash," pulling off his head to reveal that he is actually my Harvard Hottie, demanding to be taken to the bathroom. I jolt awake.

"Nanny,I gotta pee." "MonsterMash"blaresdownonus. I locate a clock under the cobwebs. Nine G.o.dd.a.m.n thirty. Okay, so it's. hat? Twenty minutes up the FOR, ten to get out of this thing, and another twenty to get downtown to Nightingale's? He'll still be there,right?

"Okay!Let's getthis showontheroad.Let's find a bathroomandgetmoving!"

"Nanny, slow down." I pick up my dragging Grayer and sling him onto my purple hump as I dart betweenthedownedandwounded,wh.o.a.reeither mid-or post-sugarcrash.

"Coming through, coming through. Have you seen the bathroom?" I inquire of a five-foot Indian woman in a Barney costume trying to placate a screaming three-foot Barney who can't seem to bite a doughnut off a string and has taken the matter directly to heart. She points over her shoulder at a line winding endlessly around the corner. I look around for out-of-the-way potted foliage, preparing a speechabouthowthisis "just liketheplayground."

Grayer pointsbehindme. "The bathroomisthat way, inmydaddy's office."

I plop him down, instructing him to lead the way, "like someone is chasing us." He takes off down the deserted corridor with his hands between his legs. It's darker and quieter than the room we have just escaped, and I speed-walk to keep Grayer in sight. Halfway down the hall he pushes a door open and I runtocatchup, practicallyrollingover him whenhefreezesinthedarkeneddoorway.

"Well, h.e.l.lo there, Grayer." A woman's voice startles us. Mr. X flips on the lamp as she comes around the desk in black fishnets, leotard, and a bowler hat. I recognizeher instantly. "h.e.l.lo, Nanny," she says, tuckingherlooseredhair underthehat.

Grayer andI arespeechless.

Mr. X steps out from behind the desk, readjusting himself and surrept.i.tiously wiping lipstick from his mouth. "Grayer,sayh.e.l.lo."

"I love your costume," she says brightly before Grayer can even speak. "See, I'm 'Chicago' because that's ourbiggestmarket!"

"She's notwearinganypants,"hesaysquietly,pointingather nettedlegsandlookingup atme.

Mr. X swiftly picks up Grayer without looking at any of us, including Grayer, and with a "Time to call it a night,sport. Let's findyourmother" headsbacktowardtheparty.

"Um, we had to find a bathroom. Grayer has to go," I call after them, but he doesn't look back. I turn to Ms. Chicago,butshe's alreadypastme,clickingdownthehallintheoppositedirection.