Real Life In London Part 109

"Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moons.h.i.+ne, Esquire. This gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, and a mouth--the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a great speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the blue mountains in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he possessed, according to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no one will discount a check from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal of Epictetus Moons.h.i.+ne, some time after the breaking up of the Socratic inst.i.tution for benefitting the human race, so much got the better of self-love, that he committed several petty larcenies in hopes of being transported thither; but whether his courage or his luck failed him, certain it is that he never reached the proper degree of criminality, and only succeeded in visiting by turns the various penitentiaries in London and its vicinity.

~~412~~~ "'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, to one of the visiting governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of his talents in such a position, 'if you think a residence in this sequestered haunt a subject of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its own seat, and able of itself to make--

'A heaven of h.e.l.l, a h.e.l.l of heaven.'

And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such thing as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination; that the idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, --written in fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with a new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his blanket round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt attracted him from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to pay some score pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of him.

"The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr.

Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to make his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, in order to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to get it back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, and nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well might do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he knew nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr.

Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was at leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines of Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to preserve it from the scorching influence of the fire.

"This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he, 'I first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, who finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, telling me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam; and another was become dozed with ~~413~~~ drinking drams.

An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I earned five-pence halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with the muses.

But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the pleasure of supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my thoughts to prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during a week of gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good meal upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.'

"But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: "By the time that the philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned me entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan would be desirable; they were not nice--not they; a pair of globes; a set of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique busts; or a collection of books for the library;--any old rum, as Jack.'said, would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans would be most punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for the lender was never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan again. I was, indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes and instruments at a p.a.w.nbroker's, and the fragments of my library at sundry book-stalls. It was now high time to cut the connection, for the Socratics were rapidly withdrawing. The a.s.sociation, for want of the true golden astringent, like a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap baker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to pieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles as were most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation, I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls of the toothdrawer's pa.s.sage. I waited on the Socratics for the b.u.ms they had been so polite as to borrow.--One, to shew that he had profited by studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot to overturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as money was mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit to Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he came back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind as to inform me that ~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one straw for my black looks.' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presented with his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightest recollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compelling payment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold Bath Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not his hand-writing.

"The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly laying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded me of the proverb--'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a _baculine_ joke over their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers were not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of mind,' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and the mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall he not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in quiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properly appreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the world of 'value received.'"

Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amus.e.m.e.nts out of doors, was pa.s.sed in animated and amusing conversation over the hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy G.o.d.

CHAPTER x.x.xII

In London, blest with competence.

With temper, health, and common sense, None need repine or murmur--nay, All may be happy in their way.

E'en the lone dwelling of the poor And suffering, are at least obscure; And in obscurity--exempt From poverty's worst scourge--contempt.

Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den.

Unheeded issues forth again; Wherefore appears he, none inquires, Nor why--nor whither he retires.

All that his pride would fain conceal, All that shame blushes to reveal; The petty s.h.i.+fts, the grovelling cares, To which the sous of want are heirs; Those evils, grievous to be borne, Call forth--not sympathy, but scorn; Here hidden--elude the searching eye Of callous curiosity.

~~415~~~ The following morning was one of unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, the originally intended movements of the party being thus unexpectedly interrupted. Dashall had arisen before his usual hour, and departed from home before the appearance of Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of course, supposed that the promised duel would have decided the fate of one of the antagonists before they should see him again.

In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his arrival about half past eleven o'clock.

"Well," said Sparkle, "it is all over--who has fallen--which is the man--how many shots--what distance--who was the other second--and where is the wounded hero?"

"Nay," said Tom, "you are before-hand with me; I have none of the intelligence you require.--I have been in search of Lord Bl.u.s.ter, who left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for Edinburgh; and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of Laconic's intention to seek, or if he has--is determined to be out of the way of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, it will end, like many other duels, in smoke."

~~416~~~ "Notwithstanding your friend's letter was so full of fire,"

observed Tallyho.

"But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret--toe to toe, my boy," continued Sparkle.

This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered to Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not restrain.

"Dear Tom, "Don't like fighting in England--am off directly for Cork.--Tell Bl.u.s.ter I'll wait there till he comes--but if he values his life, not to come at all.---Please do the needful in despatching my servants, &c. within two days, for I am in such a pa.s.sion I can't wait a moment.--So adieu.

"Yours, sincerely, Laconic."

"Excellent, upon my word," said Sparkle; "here are two men of honour determined upon meeting, running away from each other even before the preliminaries are arranged."

"There is novelty in it at least," said Tom, "though I am by no means astonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not think either of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing would satisfy him but fighting immediately, provided Bl.u.s.ter was to be found: any person to whom bis character was not known would have expected some spilling of blood before this time. But it is now plain that this bl.u.s.tering was the effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment has extinguished the flame of his irritability."

"I think," said Tallyho, "it would be well to advise them to meet half-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling their differences."

"Curse their differences," replied Dashall, "I'll have nothing more to do with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet with Bl.u.s.ter, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as it is, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it must necessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I should very much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fully acquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intended duel, I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if he had not actually departed, you may rest a.s.sured I would have nothing to do with him or his concerns."

~~417~~~ "Come, come," cried Sparkle, "grumbling is of no use now; and as the circ.u.mstances are not made public, the duellists will escape being laughed at. There is no harm done--we must be upon the alert--we shortly bid adieu to London, and shall not be so well pleased to leave you behind; but remember you promise to follow as quickly as possible.--Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder of the time?"

"Zounds," replied Tom, "all my plans are deranged by this foolish affair of Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move.--However, I shall not devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your service; and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. The tragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for any thing farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle, east, west, north, or south."

Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixotic excursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mind as to the precise place of their destination, when the first object that attracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcing to the public, "That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8th of October, would not take place, in consequence of the property being disposed of by private contract."{1}

1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to this valuable property:--

"FONTHILL ABBEY. "The sale at this splendid mansion is not to take place, the estate having been sold by private contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330,000L.

for the property. It is stated that every article in the Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is an event for which the people of the place seem to have been totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally a.s.serted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford would as soon part with his life as with a residence which he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr.

Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced, that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last ten years they have declined very materially, and several of them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been discovered in the t.i.tle. The original purchaser obtained these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford has been dispossessed. The defence of his t.i.tle, and the other consequences, involved him in losses and vast expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the princ.i.p.al partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected with India."

~~418~~~ "Thousands of people," says Dashall, "who had been flocking to that neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view of the premises, will, by this event, be disappointed. Several of my friends have paid a visit to it, and describe it as a most princely mansion."

"And pray," inquired Sparkle, "what is the cause of its being sold at all 1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of very extensive property."

"That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always a busy fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it is stated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in his West India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this moment executions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of the effects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: by others it is a.s.serted that no such embarra.s.sment exists. However, be that as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time past in being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities it contains; and the produce of the admission tickets, which has probably netted twenty thousand pounds, goes to the liquidation of the debts."

~~419~~~ "And an excellent plan for raising the wind too," said Tallyho; "the example, I suppose, has been taken from Wanstead House."

"Most likely," was the reply; "but if it is true that the disposal of the property is occasioned by the embarra.s.sment of its owner, it cannot but excite painful and melancholy reflections on the tenure by which men hold the goods of this life. Those who were acquainted with Mr.

Beckford's circ.u.mstances some years ago, thought him so secured in the enjoyment of a princely income, that he was absolutely out of the reach of ill fortune, being at one time in the actual receipt of one hundred thousand pounds a year. It cannot be said of him that he has wasted his inheritance at the gaming-table. The palace which he raised on a barren mountain, the greater part of those vast plantations which surround it, the collection of books, and of rare specimens of art, and the superb furniture, which gives such peculiar dignity and splendour to the interior of his residence, speak at once the immensity of his means, and attest the propriety and gracefulness of their application."

"We ought to have taken a trip there to have seen this earthly paradise," rejoined Tallyho; "but now I suppose it is all over."

"Certainly," was the reply; "and it is a circ.u.mstance for which the people in the neighbourhood appear to have been totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the beginning, that the mere luxuries of the place were to be sold, and the public announcement of this had the effect of filling the county of Wilts with pleasure-hunters from all quarters. He was fortunate who, for some time past, could find a vacant chair within twenty miles of Fonthill: the solitude of a private apartment was a luxury which few could hope for; and an old friend of mine informs me, in one of his letters, that, coming from London, travellers first met their troubles about Salisbury, The languages of France, of Holland, and of Germany, the peculiarities (in tongue) of Scotland and Ireland, the broad dialect of Somersets.h.i.+re, the tinckling accent of Wales, and the more polished tones of metropolitan residents, were all, at the same moment, to be heard clas.h.i.+ng and contending. There were bells ringing, and chamber-maids screaming--horses prancing, and post-boys swearing--wheels clattering, and waiters jostling--guests threatening, and hubbub and confusion the orders of the day:--and all this to see something which half of them, when they got there, if they were so fortunate, could not obtain a sight of. So that, perhaps, we have been quite as well off in remaining at home."

~~420~~~ "That was spoken like a philosopher," said Sparkle, dryly.--"But pray, who is to be the future possessor of this fine estate?"

"A Mr. Farquhar, who, according to the best information I have obtained, is a man of an extraordinary character, and has given 330,000L. for it as it stands, with every article in the Abbey except the family plate and pictures, and a few very favourite rarities. Some interesting particulars of the purchaser have recently been made known; from which it appears, that he is a native of Aberdeen, and went out early in life to India, where he was employed in the medical department. Chemical research was his favourite pursuit: there was some defect in the manner of manufacturing gunpowder, and Mr. Farquhar was selected to give his a.s.sistance. By degrees, he obtained the management of the concern, and finally he became the sole contractor to the government. In this way wealth and distinction rapidly poured in upon him. After some years of labour, he returned to England with half a million of money; and it is somewhat curious that a man possessed of so much money upon his arrival at Gravesend, should, merely to save the expense of coach-hire, walk up to London; which, however, it appears he did, when his first visit, very naturally, was to his banker. Without waiting for refreshment or alteration of attire, full of dust and dirt, with clothes not worth a guinea, he presented himself at the counter, and asked for Mr. Coutts.

The clerks, not much prepossessed in his favour by his appearance, disregarded his application; and he was suffered to remain in the cash-office under the idea of his being some poor pet.i.tioner, until Mr.

Coutts, pa.s.sing through it, recognized his Indian customer, the man whom he expected to see with all the pomp of a nabob. Mr. Farquhar requested to have five pounds; which having received, he took his departure. This anecdote strongly marks the character and habits of the man. He soon afterwards settled in Upper Baker-street, where his house was to be distinguished by its dingy appearance, uncleaned windows, and general neglect. An old woman was his sole attendant; and his apartment, to which a brush or broom was never applied, was kept sacred from her care.

His neighbours were not acquainted with his character; and there have been instances of some of them offering him money as an object of charity."

~~421~~~ "An admirable tenant for such a place as Fonthill, truly,"

observed Sparkle.--"Why, what the devil will he do with it now he has got it?"

"Perhaps," said Dashall, "I ought to refer you to the man himself for an answer to such a question, for I am at a loss to guess; he is now sixty-five years of age, and still in single blessedness."